Of course, if we’d gone this route, we might have found ourselves stuffing soggy bread into defrosted bald eagles every November.

Thanksgiving is arguably more American than Independence Day. What were we fighting for, if not our right to blast a wild turkey with a shotgun (or, you know, buy a frozen one at Kroger), deep-fry that sonofabitch, then consume it with a variety of butter-logged, marshmallow-oozing side dishes before passing out in the living room with football playing quietly on the TV?

In case you are the first one to wake up from your tryptophan coma, or if you’re just holed up in the guest bathroom, taking a break from the family togetherness in the only place where you can get some peace and qui—FOR ODIN’S SAKE, STOP JIGGLING THE HANDLE; THERE’S CLEARLY SOMEONE IN HERE.

As we were saying, we have some recommended Turkey Day reading for you. First up is Eirik Gumeny’s “Almost Every November,” in which the Thanksgiving tables are turned when a few genetically modified birds take matters into their own artificially-prehensile feathers. Then there’s Stephen Schwegler’s “Chinese Take-Out,” in which a group of humans holed up in a shopping center after a massive wild turkey uprising find a way to celebrate the holidays. And you can’t go wrong with any of our Pushcart Prize Nominees for this year.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Sure, you could finish that TPS report/chapter of your novel for NaNoWriMo/gallbladder surgery you’re performing right now . . . but dammit, you deserve a break.

To that end, we’ve organized this month’s selections by the amount of time it would take an average adult to read them, rounded to the nearest minute. And you know you’re above average, so you’ll read them even faster. (Admit it: you’re going to time yourself.)

Ian Sacks, “Amazing Human Post-It Note,” 2 min.

Sloan Thomas, “Only One Good Reason to Get a Haircut,” 3 min.

Alex Munkacsy, “The Grey Egg,” 3 min.

Lucas Dylan-Frances, “Katelyn,” 4 min.

Michael Schoch, “The Particular Human,” 8 min.

Gary Moshimer, “Saving Jesus,” 12 min.

You really shouldn’t try to rush, though, because (1) these stories are worth savoring, and (2) the sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll have to get back to filling in those spreadsheets/interrogating that suspect/feeding your manticore.

Ah, November. The gratuitous tree nudity; the biting, sleet-flecked wind that slices through our Duck Tales underoos; the dread of our Thanksgiving tofurky being mocked by omnivorous relatives.

But instead of wallowing in our depression like a hippopotamus with seasonal affective disorder, we’ve dedicated ourselves to providing you with an engaging diversion in the form of our November issue. So make yourself a margarita, turn on some ukulele music, and let Lucas Dylan-Frances, Gary Moshimer, Alex Munkacsy, Ian Sacks, Michael Schoch, and Sloan Thomas carry you away like a balmy tropical breeze.