We know: it’s brutal out there. What with the lines and the traffic and the, well, incessant spending of money, life can be pretty rough this time of year and that’s before all the Dean Martin songs enter into the mix.

Don’t worry. Jersey Devil Press has got you covered. Just follow these five simple steps and your holiday shopping will be finished in no time.

1. Remember: nothing looks better underneath the tree than a book with a penis-shaped space ship on the cover.

2. Likewise, nothing stuffs a stocking like a frowning Viking.

3. The world ends in 2012 so you should get the people you love a good book on apocalypses.

4. You’ll need something funny with a cover you can show Grandma.

5. You know that favorite book you’ve had for eighteen months and dog-eared from constant rereading? Treat yourself to another one.

As a child, my view of Thanksgiving, not to mention my sense of humor, was indelibly shaped (some might say scarred) by the episode of WKRP in Cincinnati that aired before Thanksgiving of 1978. It’s the one where the radio station decides to give away live Turkeys at a local shopping mall.

By dropping them from a plane.

Three decades later, as a populace we haven’t got much kinder to the bird Ben Franklin preferred to the eagle as the national symbol. But that doesn’t mean our writers aren’t trying to even the score. While enjoying your feast, make time for a couple stories from our fantastic Holiday Issue that put the shoe on the other foot and the fork in the other hand, or, wing, as the case may be.

First up is Stephen Schwegler’s heartwarming story of monster birds and cannibalism inside a post-apocalyptic shopping mall, “Chinese Take-Out.”

Next, Founding Father, Eirik Gumeny shows you what the Butterball research scientists don’t want you to see in “Almost Every November.”

As Bono inappropriately sings in Feed the World, “Tonight, thank God it’s them, instead of you.”

So it’s almost Thanksgiving, the one day of the year when my extended family gathers to stare awkwardly at the ground before looking at me and saying, “So? Still writing?”

And this year I’ll be able to say, “Yep. Editing, too.”

Since the news first broke that I was taking over as Online Editor of Jersey Devil Press, many people (okay, almost no one) have been asking me how my editorial philosophy will differ from that of my predecessor.

And the answer is…hopefully, not very much.

When Neil Gaiman wrote his episode of Doctor Who he was asked what it was like to write for the Eleventh Doctor and he basically said, he didn’t write for the Eleventh Doctor. He just wrote for The Doctor. There’s only one.

I kind of hope someday people say the same thing about the Editor of JDP. (Admittedly, they probably won’t, but stick with me for a moment.) Yes, both Eirik and I are — as far as we know — mono-hearted beings, but I like to think we both wound up here for the same reasons: because the world needs a place for stories that don’t quite fit anywhere else. And providing that goes beyond any one person. Sure, one guy might rock a really long scarf while another prefers bow ties, but ultimately the persona of editor doesn’t change that much. Maybe I might hew a bit more towards horror where Eirik went more for humor but neither of us is going to say no to a well-written family memoir that ends in a zombie massacre. That’s my point.

Your Cthulhu mythos story has dick jokes?

Your Raymond Chandler pastiche involves alien invasions?

All the other editors told you it’s not right for robots to do that in a story?

Your straight literary story is just, well, too weird?

That’s why we’re here.

And when I burn out in a year or two (or, you know, next Friday), I hope the next person to take over will be committed to same ideal: give a good home to the good shit that either doesn’t belong in the usual places or simply chooses not to fit in.

So if you want to know what I’m looking for, just check the interviews Eirik and Monica did at the beginning, like the one here or here.

Or check the excellent and extensive guidelines they drew up.

Then send me something amazing.