Presents!

Holy crap, Christmas is just days away! But, sadly, I am cheap and hate spending money. However can I show my friends how much I appreciate them, without actually, you know, appreciating them?

Why, through a completely bullshit gift exchange, that’s how! It’s called Shitty Santa, and it was invented by a friend of ours, a Professor F. Ewedye of Generic Community College.

First thing you gotta do is send out an e-mail and round up your friends. (For maximum half-assedness, the date should be well after Christmas. Say, New Year’s. Or some random Tuesday.) Then it’s on to the gifts!

Spend $0 – $1.00 on a gift for each person who wants to participate. An expired bus pass? A keychain? A box of tic tacs? A $50 dollar gift card to Borders that doesn’t actually have money on it?! The sky’s the limit as long as you either stole it, got it for free, or spent less than a dollar.

Still at a loss? All you’ve gotta do is look around your room/apartment, find something you’ve been meaning to throw out, then wrap it and stick someone’s name on it. Those knee-high socks Aunt So and So gave you that are still in the package (or not)? Throw some wrapping on ’em and give ’em away. That Chia Head your mom gave you years ago she was sure you’d use? Hey, someone else’s problem now. An autographed picture of yourself (or someone else) giving the two thumbs up? Perfect! Just don’t spend money and try to be clever. Handing out nine individually wrapped toothpicks = not clever. Handing out nine individually wrapped bacon flavored toothpicks = awesome.

Just look at that cropped out half-smile!

For maximum results, everyone involved has to be in on it. Sure, you can give your brother a box of paper clips you liberated from work, but it’s only fun if he gives you half a Pop-Tart in return.

The only rule is it’s gotta absolutely be wrapped. Not well, but just wrapped with a name on it. It’s just not Christmas unless you fill a garbage bag with expensive snowman-adorned paper.

So there you go, the answer to all your gift-giving problems. No need to thank us. This is simply our gift to the world.