“Hello, my name is Jerry and my friend here would like to talk to you about Perhaps. by Stephen Schwegler. Go ahead, Santa.”

“Squeak.”

“Nice. Would you like to tell us a few of your favorite lines from this book?”

“Squeak.”

“Yeah, those are pretty great. For those of you who are not fluent in chipmunk:

‘And besides, Heaven has E-Z Pass.’

‘Lay a body out, chop it up and store it in Tupperware.’

‘Must provide own uniform.’

‘The room didn’t flow.’

‘Moo.’

‘Not now, I need to call a locksmith.’

‘See I was healing these lepers, said the wrong thing and, poof, here I am.’

‘Eat one and I’ll let you go.’

‘That’s because you’re trying to open it with your feet.’

‘I think he referred to him as a “deranged crack head.”’

Wait, that last one wasn’t about me, right?”

“Squeak.”

“OK, good.”