Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Issue 44 wgah’nagl fhtagn

Issue 44 lies waiting for you to read, far beneath the ocean depths, in the stupefying ruins of R’yleh, sheltered in the shadows of madness.

Or you could just download the PDF.

We begin with “The Hunter in the Darkness” by Paul “Deadeye” Dick. It’s a fantastic take on what would happen if vintage Gonzo journalism crossed paths with a Dagon-like cult. Suffice to say drugs, nudity, and profanity ensue. Also, Scooby Doo references.

“Interior Design” follows, in which Rob Ern dares to consider what could be more terrifying than the Necronomicon. The answer, of course, is HGTV.

Next, Laura Garrison brings you a weird Western, “The Madness of Fluffytown.” It’s a story that also answers the question most of us have long pondered: what if Cthulhu were less squidlike and more, well, poultry.

Jason Andrew then mashes up Lovecraft’s Dream Cycle stories with Charles Perrault’s French fairy tale, “Puss in Boots.” Yeah, we would never have thought of that combination in a million years either, but Jason pulls it off nicely in “Whispers to the Moon Are Always Heard by Cats.”

Finally, Christopher Keelty closes out the proceedings with the straight-up unsettling “The Watchers in the Dark.”

‘Cause a Lovecraft issue should end with a story that will give you nightmares.

Last Call for Lovecraft

Good news. Thanks to a man named Deadeye Dick we have fulfilled our longstanding goal of finding a Cthulhu mythos story with dick jokes. Thanks, Deadeye.

Deadeye Dick’s contribution is just one of many amazing stories to grace the pages of our upcoming special issue in which we challenged writers to mash-up one literary style with something Lovecraftian (as Neil Gaiman so brilliantly did in “A Study in Emerald.”) So far we’ve got a weird Western, the Necronomicon on HGTV, some shit that’s just straight up scary, and Puss in Boots. That’s right, we said, “Puss in Boots,” motherfrakkers. Plus Deadeye Dick’s story.

So how cool is this issue going to be? So cool you’ll want your story in it too. And we have room for maybe one or two truly outstanding pieces, so get to the typing. Midnight on May 1st is our deadline, which leaves you two weeks to get that story finished and submitted.

Be sure to read the guidelines for “Write Lovecraft Like Neil Gaiman” first and remember: Neil Gaiman is not allowed to enter. But you are. Unless you happen to actually be Neil Gaiman, in which case, how about a ReTweet, huh?

She’s LoveCrafty and She’s Just My Type

We want you to write Lovecraft like Neil Gaiman, not Alan Moore. Because NEONOMICON creeped us right the fuck out. Also, kinda skanky.

So in this crazy whirlagig called the indie publishing game, you lose some and you win some. And then sometimes you just call something off. Unfortunately, much like US participation in the 1980 Summer Olympics and the 1994 World Series, the 2013 JDP Novella Contest is not going to happen.

We genuinely thank everyone who sent in stories, but — to be honest — this year there just wasn’t anything that completely knocked us out. There were some well written pieces that didn’t have a speculative element (as the guidelines expressly called for) and there were stories that did have a speculative element, which were interesting, but just not enough so that we wanted to make them the sole focus of an issue. In the end, we wanted to be super-excited about bringing the winner of our novella contest to the attention of our mighty readership and it just didn’t work out. (And just to be clear, no, this isn’t some lame-ass April Fool’s joke like, say, an Internet search engine pretending it’s able to fucking smell.)

C’est le vie. Which we’re told is French for, “The fuck you gonna do sometimes?”

There are several silver linings. First, Jody Giardina and Nick Kimbro get to stay novella contest winner and runner-up, respectively, for another year (and possibly indefinitely). We know their families are sick of hearing about it, but they get to go on bragging.

Second, our other two special issues planned for this summer are turning out to be not complete clusterfraks like the novella contest. (And that’s how we’re planning to advertise them.)

Our main focus right now is on the awkwardly if accurately named “Write Lovecraft Like Neil Gaiman” Issue, which seems to be a triumph of quality over quantity. We haven’t received a ton of submissions, but we have picked up a few really cool pieces and can already tell this issue will be amazing. But we could still use another story or two to round it out so get to typing. You’ve got till the end of the month.

The poetry issue is also going great, but — as we’ve noted in the past — it turns out poems don’t take up that much space. So we need lots of them. Check out the guidelines and send us something cool. You’ve got till June 1st.

Finally, even though we won’t have a novella for you in June as planned, we will have a regular old issue of odd and entertaining short stories. It turns out we’re still pretty good at attracting those, so sleep easy. And if you have one, send it in before nodding off.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to go spend our last dollar to buy a Sabrett.