We Will Walk the Earth Together, As Bipedal Hominoids, Hand in Hand

Kimberly Kaufman

 

 

I cursed under my breath. I didn’t want to be louder than the snaps of wood that might eventually lead me to my Sasquatch, but it was the only thing I could do to not fire my rifle in frustration.

Tony Summers had been here. When I saw the hiking boot tracks, my suspicions had grown. But when I found a pink strawberry bubble gum wrapper lying in the middle of the muted colors of the forest, there was no doubt that the Elvis-impersonator-turned-bigfoot-hunter was heading into the heart of the forest, and ahead of me.

I crumpled the wrapper and looked down at the whites of my knuckles. I wanted to turn around and go home. It wasn’t that he had pretended to like me. It was that I was stupid enough to believe him. I’d already lost so much clout with the other Society members, that if they knew I was on the same trail as Mr. Fake-Tan, they’d probably revoke my Paranormal Membership Society card for good.

But that wasn’t the only thing that mattered to me. There was the enticement of Discovery itself. I rolled my shoulders, in pain from my backpack, and notice the trees’ shadows had gotten longer, leering, as the Earth’s axis moved away from the sun. There were still the mysteries waiting in the forest. I thought of a “million-dollar” photo, the proceeds I could use to pay off my mortgage, and let Julius go off forever, like he wanted. I thought of respect from the other Society members. I needed to find the wonder in the world again, to know the fabulous Sasquatch was not just a myth for rural men and women to tell around campfires.

I couldn’t despair just yet. Tony may have had a silly slicked-back receding hairline, and would be wearing his gold, aviator sunglasses even as the forest darkened, but he was an experienced hunter, and had ancestors from the Plains Indians. Part Sioux. Or so he said. I’d seen broken branches, disturbed dirt and leaves, orangey-auburn hair fragments, and finally, as I came upon mud from the rain last night, a footprint: mammalian, no hoof, and unless Tony Summer’s foot had grown a few sizes since last week, not his. No, clearly not, because I could see the clumsy, boot prints he had left, from walking carefully around the footprint.

Tony had become my hunted as well, then. I snapped pictures of both sets of tracks.

As I traced their steps, I thought about how Julius had laughed at me, comparing my maps and charts tracking sightings to the crazy people who didn’t believe in global warming. Whether I was into Bigfoot or not, I wasn’t good enough for him. Turned out while I was preparing for our retirement together, planning a long road-trip through Sasquatch country, he had been secretly seeing his teaching assistant. I’d have to delay retirement, now, but decided to go on the trip anyway.

As I continued through the forest, I thought of Tony, pretending to be interested in me, humoring me by asking all about my upcoming trip. It was foolish to think anyone could be interested in my graying hair, crows-feet eyes, and slowly thickening middle, even if I still one of the best sharpshooters I knew. Men were somehow always turned on by a woman who could shoot, so I didn’t think it was too weird when he bought me that second bottle of wine. If only I hadn’t passed out on the couch when he brought me home. I was sure he had copied my maps.

Thinking about Julius, Tony, and general old age, I was fuming by the time I arrived at the end of the tracks. I stood before jagged lines in the mud, the signs of a struggle.

Despite the foreboding signs in front of me, the air smelled fresh; the smoke from the fires that week had finally moved out of the forest. Maybe my bad luck, like the smoke, was clearing out.

Looking back at the forest floor, I could see the tracks where a body had been rolled around, unwillingly, and then dragged away. I scrunched my face, half not believing that that fucking asshole would think of killing one of the rarest animals on earth. It was like that man who shot the last dodo bird, or those beasts who still hunted endangered elephants to turn their feet into ottomans for dictators and oil tyrants. I had thought better of Tony. It was strange the deference we are capable of giving men who look dazzling in white and rhinestones.

I almost walked right into it, just on the other side of a redwood tree. A dead body, hanging upside down. I didn’t recognize it, at first, the face was contorted in agony, its mouth hanging wide open and bloody, the blood dripping down its cheeks. I looked around to make sure I was safe.

I had walked into a small clearing and it took my eyes a moment to adjust to the sun. It wasn’t until I saw the Sasquatch walking towards me that I realized the body was Tony’s — his face looked pale and his sunglasses were gone. And Tony was always smiling and, well, he wasn’t anymore. I was almost surprised by the wave of guilt and tragedy that fell over me — I had liked him, peanut-butter-and-bacon-breath and all — but I didn’t have time.

The Sasquatch had seen me. I should have tried to make better use of my camouflage jacket, but it was too late for that. It stood nearly seven feet tall, was covered in hair, longer than I had expected, and on its head, it had flowing, long red hair. Like a supermodel. I reached for my gun, for no reason other than instinct. I would never kill it. Instead, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“Please don’t kill me,” I said. How embarrassing. Now I knew that when I faced death, I was going to be one of those slobbering idiots begging for my life.

It stopped walking towards me, and made a strange face. Was that a smirk? It — no, I could now see from the wide hips and the large, sagging breasts that it was a she, and breastfeeding, to boot.

She spoke to me in clear English, with an accent I didn’t recognize.

“If you put down the gun, I probably have no reason to kill you.”

 

 

Later that night, I sat around a campfire with the Sasquatch and her three children, the toddler-sized one sitting in my lap. There was so much left to see and to learn. I wanted to ask her so many questions. How did she learn to speak English, of all languages? What was the language she spoke with her children, which mostly involved clicking and whispers? Was there a father Sasquatch? Were there others? Tony and Julius were now distant memories, as was my fury. The few hours I’d spent with the Sasquatch and her children had seemed like eternity, and I had no problem staying with them until the end of time. If they let me.

I listened to the mother Sasquatch singing in her language, and I looked up to the sky and thought the stars seemed brighter than I remembered. She sung in a low pitch, gazing out into the darkness of the forest, while she grazed her fingers through her nursing baby’s orange fluff of hair. It sounded like the mourning song of an unearthly being, sorrowful, yet not without hope.

One of the little ones offered me a piece of meat, which I declined with a smile and shake of my dead. I was sticking to my trail mix tonight. I wiped away my tears as the song ended.

“Can you tell me what that song was about?” I asked.

She looked right at me and nodded. “It is about me, and my children, and their children. That we will be here, far beyond this time, and after the icecaps melt, and after that.”

She said it with such determination, so matter-of-fact and resolute, that even though I knew her species was nearly extinct, and her habitat was quickly disappearing, I believed her.

If she was trying to convince me to forget about her kind, to leave my camera behind, to give up on hunting the Sasquatch forever, there was no need. I had seen her mysteries and I had time to consider them before I died, however soon that was. As I held the child in my lap, who snuggled into my shoulder, I knew that even if I were to die tomorrow, it would be knowing that I had walked, sat, and eaten with Bigfoot. There was no greater pleasure.

 

 

 

 

KIMBERLY KAUFMAN lives in San Francisco, California. She’s published stories in Metaphorosis and San Francisco City College’s Forum. When not reading, she’s probably watching Italian horror movies or walking in the fog with her husband and imaginary dog. Her academic background is in Spanish literature and she dreams in punk.

SuckMyDick7: A Ghost Story

Carolyn A. Drake

 

 

Incorrect password.

The whisper of an eerie, ethereal giggle drifts like a cold sigh through the air.

Ass sinking into my garage sale couch, I scowl at the thin wall separating my apartment from Mrs. Next Door’s place before returning my tired eyes to the Netflix login page on the television screen. The television — a simultaneous Christmas present and bribe to call my mother more often — is easily the most valuable object in my threadbare apartment, aside from the six-year PharmD degree framed and hanging above the toilet. No one calls pharmacists ‘Doctors,’ but that does not stop my mother from explaining to her bridge group how her son, Sam — you know, the doctor — moved across the country after graduation, and he has a one-bedroom, one-bathroom bachelor pad in New Brunswick, New Jersey, that is sparsely furnished due to ‘minimalism,’ which is a funny way to say ‘student loans.’

Still wearing my white lab coat and the dead-eyed, thousand-yard stare associated with an eleven-hour shift in a popular retail pharmacy chain, my brain is moving ultraslow. I want nothing more than to down a beer or four while binging mind-numbing cooking shows, but my go-to password since I was twelve — SparkyGoodBoy2 — is not working.

I twiddle the knobs to the PS4 controller, retyping the password out.

Incorrect password.

“What the hell?” I mutter.

Another unnerving giggle echoes and wafts throughout my apartment. This time, though, the sound originates from above me.

All at once, I understand. Letting my blonde head fall back on my shoulders, I heave a sigh. I really should have guessed.

“Jerk,” I call, glaring up at the ceiling.

For a moment, all I notice are ancient stains of water damage.

Then, the ghost that came with this dump swoops down through the ceiling and hovers over the television.

Dex and I met five months ago on the weekend I moved my few belongings out of my college dorm into this damp deathtrap. We had both been surprised to find that not only could I see him when he was watching me shower, I could also hear him making lax observations about my beer gut and feel his ice-cold skin when I screamed and slapped his undead ass backwards through the shower curtain.

Seeing, hearing, and feeling ghosts is new to me; Haley Joel Osment I am not, nor have I ever been.

While I did fear for my sanity those first few nights, the continued presence of a chatty deceased college kid stopped being terrifying after a while and became more or less a minor nuisance, no worse than the flickering lights or leaky faucet. Adding that to the fact that breaking my lease would cost the same as four months of student loan payments and I decided to accept Dex as a temporary fixture in my life, choosing to stay in my haunted apartment for the foreseeable future.

Besides . . . he’s kind of cute.

In life, Dex was a lanky Rutgers University sophomore. He stood at six-foot-two, so now, the vibrant pink high-tops he perished in dangle through the top of the television.

“Guess the new password,” Dex grins, his ghostly impish voice resonating in a way my living one never could. The specter tosses his head to flip his bangs away from his face, although I know the movement is only out of habit. Dex’s thick dark hair and Ramones tee-shirt float around him, caught in an otherworldly current.

“SuckMyDick7,” I snarl through my teeth.

“Well, if you insist,” Dex shrugs and glides downwards towards the couch.

“Come on,” I double-up and swat Dex’s translucent form away, guarding my loins as heat rises to my cheeks. “Knock it off!”

“Whaaaat?” The roguish voice in my ear is equal parts mischievous and coquettish, and the hair on the back of my neck stands on end when he floats back into my line of vision and leans in for an exaggerated smooch. I recoil and he laughs.

“I thought you were a hard Kinsey three,” Dex smirks.

Cursing myself for getting so drunk last week that I came out to a dead guy, I give his cold skin a hard shove away and pray that my ruddy complexion will be misconstrued as exertion.

“Yeah,” I growl, “but I have no desire to find out if necrophilia is a thing I’m into.”

“Chill out, I’m just trying to — ”

“You’re just trying to drive me crazy!” I snap with more vitriol than I intended.

To my floating haunter’s credit, Dex does not escalate the situation. He merely props his chin up on his knuckles and fixes me with a sympathetic gaze. Being the grumpy asshole that I am, I despise him for it.

“Bad day again, huh?” Dex asks, bobbing in the air above the couch.

Crossing my arms tight over my chest, I collapse into the cushions, knowing that I look like a sullen little boy but not caring.

“Yes,” I finally reply, and even I can hear the sulk in my own voice. “You want to guess how shitty it is not know a single person in this city?”

Dex raises his eyebrows and gestures to his transparent body.

“You’re dead,” I dismiss him with a wave of my hand. “You don’t count.”

“What every dead person wants to hear,” Dex’s resonating voice is as tight as his translucent jeans, “that I ‘don’t count’. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” I reply briskly. “I just hate how . . . ”

Pausing, I grasp my fingers at thin air, struggling to find the words to describe my bitter loneliness without sounding overdramatic. Linguistics is not my strong suit.

“I leapt so quickly at the opportunity to have a job,” I finally say, “any job after graduation that I didn’t even think how isolating living alone in a city five hundred miles from my hometown would be. My only living interactions are fighting with insurance company representatives and getting yelled at by soccer moms with outdated coupons.”

“So make some living friends,” Dex replies dryly.

“Making new friends is next to impossible when you’re a twenty-five-year-old dude who is kind of an asshole, and not good looking enough to get away with it.”

“Hey, I offered to blow you,” Dex grins, and I can’t tell if he’s just trying to be nice or flirting again. I won’t admit to myself which one I’m hoping for. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No,” I snip, petulant. “I want the password to my Netflix account.”

“That’s rough,” Dex nods in sympathy, “but it’s not happening.”

My personal poltergeist has time to stick his tongue out at me before he is forced to dive into the couch to avoid my grasp. He pops up beside me through a ragged cushion to reveal his body from the shoulders up, mirroring a bizarre version of whack-a-mole.

“I’ve wanted to watch the new X-Files for weeks,” Dex says, his large, dark eyes on mine.

Goddamn, why does he have to be so cute?

“You keep saying ‘tomorrow,’” Dex continues before ducking back into the cushions as my hands come down on the area where his head had been. He reappears a second later with an impish grin. “Honey, it’s tomorrow.”

“Watch it when I’m at work,” I grunt and grab at Dex’s form once more before he bolts from the couch and floats too high for me to reach.

“I need someone to talk to about it,” Dex all but whines, pouting his spectral lower lip for effect in a way I secretly find adorable. On occasions like these, I wonder if he is aware of how often I steal glances at his perfect cheekbones when he is not paying attention. “And since you’re the only one who can talk to me . . . ”

“I don’t like your sci-fi shit!”

“Then guess,” Dex gestures to the television, drifting backwards to hover over the device once more.

My tired eyes bore into his sightless ones, but my patented retail death glare never yields results with my undead roommate.

If I want to find out who won Cutthroat Kitchen without the aid of Google, I will have to play along.

Sighing, I steeple my fingers and think. “BuffyBabe7?”

“Nope,” Dex grins, clearly pleased that I have given in and am going to provide him with a few moments of entertainment.

“ScruffyNerfHerder7?”

“Why do you keep adding ‘7’ to — ”

“It’s your lucky number,” I cut him off. “RidleyScottIsMyGod?”

“Hell yeah he is.”

“Dexter!”

“Samuel?”

I glare up at the annoying, good-looking ghost floating and smirking smugly above me. He is enjoying this too much.

“I’ll destroy Twin Peaks,” I blurt out.

His smile falters. Mine widens.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Dex replies at last, sounding more confident than he appears. “You got that for my deathday.”

Keeping my eyes on my deceased roommate, I yank the drawer of the dime store coffee table before me open and rummage through the mess of DVD cases. At last, my fingers land on the newest plastic case, and I pop it open. I place a single finger on the shining disc, smiling as Dex winces at the thought of smudges from my fingerprints.

“Any last words for your Special Agent?” I ask.

When he does not speak, I remove the disc from its case.

“Don’t!” Dex yelps, hands flying out before him but useless to stop me.

“Password.”

“This is extortion!”

“Laura Palmer’s gonna bite it a second time.”

“Fine! So Say We All.”

“One word, all caps?”

Dex gives a vehement nod.

Grinning in triumph, I slip the disc back into the case and wiggle the knobs of the remote control to enter the password. The Netflix account homepage appears on the screen.

Still beaming, I turn to Dex to gloat.

Slumping his shoulders, Dex hovers in a sitting position over the cushions beside me, but I am struck by the downcast expression on his transparent face. This is no sulking act. This is despair, and the rawness of his pain catches me off guard.

I need someone to talk to, Dex’s voice repeats in my mind. You’re the only one who can talk to me . . .

My eyes are drawn to the vertical gashes on the inside of his ghostly wrist, the ones he is usually so careful not to let me see.

Guilt gnaws at my stomach. How has the realization that Dex has no one else in the world to talk to but me never crossed my mind?

If I’m lonely, then what is he?

Sighing, I direct the cursor on the screen to the pilot episode of the new X-Files reboot series and throw myself backwards into the overstuffed couch cushions.

The skin on my right cheek bursts into gooseflesh as my phantom roommate plants a small, undead peck there.

“Thanks, babe.”

“Meh,” I grumble as a reply, pretending I do not feel the pleasant flip of my stomach and warm heat rising in my cheeks.

“Oh,” Dex adds, throwing an arm around my shoulders as the opening credits begin to roll, “the password to your email is SuckMyDick7.”

 

 

 

 

CAROLYN A. DRAKE is a Jersey shore native, and she currently resides in Denver, Colorado. In 2016, her story “Pill Pusher” was a winner of the Quarter Life Crisis contest by Three Rooms Press and was published in their anthology, Songs of my Selfie. In 2017, her story “The More Things Change” was published in the Utter Fabrication anthology by Mad Scientist Journal, and a flash fiction entitled “The Marionettes” was published online in the Trembling With Fear Archives by The Horror Tree.

The Giraffe Whispers Human Words

John Gabriel Adkins

 

 

The zoo animals — tigers, koalas, others (and loudbird) — had been retrieved and recaged after busting loose the day before, all but the yellow giraffe. The catch-men had cornered the giraffe in a dark corner but it had lowered its head low, muttering and mouthing human words, mesmerizing the whole gang. They returned with sad hands completely empty. The zoo folks phoned in a favor: the baddest, roughest ex-detective in all Montana: Ex-Detective Hughes. If anyone can crack that giraffe — and so on and so forth.

Ex-Detective Hughes cottoned-up his ears and approached the cornered shadowy giraffe, still headlow, still muttering human. I’m here to bargain. Nod if you understand.

The giraffe nodded.

Back to Ex-Detective Hughes. I get what this is. Okay? I’ve crossed the line before, I’ve done time before. I’ve been in a cage. I don’t want that for you. Do you understand?

The giraffe nodded.

Ex-Detective Hughes held out his hand. Then come with me. We’ll hit the road. We’ll lose the cages. Just you and me on the freeway. What do you say?

The giraffe nodded, raised its head, trotted out, got into Ex-Detective Hughes’ 1976 Cadillac Eldorado convertible with 14,000 miles and the top down, and Ex-Detective Hughes took the wheel, and they just went.

To this day, the giraffe exhibit languishes completely empty.

 

 

 

 

JOHN GABRIEL ADKINS is a Pushcart-nominated writer of anti-stories, microfiction and other oddities, and is a member of the Still Eating Oranges arts collective. His work has appeared in Squawk Back, Literary Orphans, Sick Lit Magazine, Three Drops from a Cauldron, The Sleep Aquarium and more.