We call her Issue Nine.

Weighing in at a healthy six stories, by the splendid Eric Westerlind, William Farrant, Sara Finnerty, Matt Rosen, C.G. Morelli and Matthew Amundsen, she’s our own little bundle of sunshine. Sure, you can hold her. And you can read her here, or download the .pdf here.

Aw, look at that, she likes you!

If you’ve already submitted a Print Only story and not yet heard back, don’t fret. We’ll treat your submission with the same love and respect we always do.

This closing will most likely be permanent. We’ve received, and accepted, some great stories submitted solely for the print anthology, but, next year, we’re thinking all potential contributors will have to go through the website first. There’ll still be some never-before-published stories, but we’re going to try and request new contributions from authors we like. But that’s getting ahead of ourselves. We’ve still gotta get this year’s anthology banged out.

Selections of already-published pieces for the print anthology will begin in earnest in May. We’ve got a rough idea of which stories we’ll pick, and those lucky authors can expect an e-mail formally requesting their OK then. We’ll announce the line-up in June and hopefully get the book out in July. ‘Til then, you’ll have to sit tight, tear through the archives and the current issue, and make your best guesses.

You can find the .pdf here and the online version here.

Including short fiction from yt sumner, Jim Walke, Morowa Yejidé, Chris Yodice, and Jenny Ortiz, this issue is quite simply the single greatest thing ever, for all time.

You know the drill. Get their words into your, and everyone’s, brain. Do it. I don’t care how. Download it, surf it, link it, blog it, tweet it, read it aloud and add it subliminally to your CDs, print it out and leave it on the subway, staple it to telephone poles. Just make sure the entire world reads it. Or else we’re all doomed.

Word up, peoples. Here we are with the sixth sensational issue of Jersey Devil Press. I’m in the middle of both moving AND getting laid off, so, for the sake of not overtaxing my brain, I’ve decided to skip making ridiculous connections between our stories and just dive right into the awesomeness that is this issue.

I know. It’s rough for me too. But I think you’ll survive.

Starting us off is yt sumner’s beautifully bleak “Big Girl,” followed by Jim Walke’s epic tale of brothers and pants, “Hand Me Down.” Next is Morowa Yejidé’s stirring “To Do List” and the snooping sisters of Chris Yodice’s “Normal After All.” We close the issue with what might be my favorite title of all time: “Out of Steam Punk and Zombies Comes Bruce Lee,” by Jenny Ortiz. It is absolutely as wonderful as it sounds.

So there you go. Read them, enjoy them, tell the authors that you love them. We’ll be back in thirty with issue seven, and I promise to make the most strained, ridiculous associations you’ve ever seen.

.pdf is here, links to the individual stories are below.

– Eirik Gumeny

Big Girl, yt sumner
“I’m getting bigger.”

Hand Me Down, Jim Walke
“It was a golem of a garment. The blue reflected shockingly against human skin,
the sort of color that governments might paint nuclear waste containers
in a misguided effort to reduce panic.”

To Do List, Morowa Yejidé
“I don’t want to see all of that.”

Normal After All, Chris Yodice
“The girls always thought that there was a head in the box,
but they couldn’t imagine whose.”

Out of Steam Punk and Zombies Comes Bruce Lee, Jenny Ortiz

“East likes Bruce Lee the best; she knows everyone says it,
but Bruce Lee was a badass motherfucker.”

I personally enjoy the fact that he has no idea how he found us. Fate? Magic? Boredom and the internet? Who cares! Thanks for the kind words, Ken.

And it looks like “Golden Streams of Babylon,” by Andrew Frankel, was pegged as today’s genre story on Fiction Daily. Sweet.

I’m sure someday we’ll stop being so excited and proud about being appreciated. Not, you know, soon, but someday.

First, our goal:  To publish stories non-writers would actually want to read.  We prefer funny, weird, and, above all, entertaining; sober melodramas generally don’t fly so well with us.  There are certainly exceptions, but that’s largely because they’re exceptional.

Second, previously published works:  We’re still accepting them, but we want to clarify that a bit.  By “previously,” we literally mean “previously.”  If it’s currently published, i.e. something that went up in another journal last month and is still readily available online, or if it’s part of the book you just released, that seems a little greedy to us.  If it’s only on your own personal website or a forum or something, though, don’t sweat it.

Third, the selection process:  Monica and I both read every story that’s submitted. We each rate them, one to ten, then add the scores together and divide by two.  Top six make it in.  While this ensures that only stories we both like make it in, it also means that occasionally a story that one of us loves and the other one hates doesn’t.  Which actually reinforces the next point quite nicely:

Accepting and rejecting story submissions is, by nature, subjective. Short of grading them entirely on quantifiable variables, like the number of adverbs or something, there’s not much we can do to change that.  So, to level the playing field a bit, we thought we’d give you a little heads up regarding our own personal peeves and predilections.

Eirik’s list of things that should be stopped forever:

Vampires. I think Twilight is stupid.  I’m sorry, but I haven’t been even moderately interested in vampires since “Angel” got cancelled.
Mob stories. If the entire story is just two guys talking in “goomba” speak, please don’t.  I’ve met people with mob ties in real life and they’re generally assholes.  And, honestly, you’re never going to out-Soprano the Sopranos.
College professors seducing/being seduced by young, nubile co-eds. What college did you go to where this was actually happening?  In general, any regularly used plot line in a porno is a no-no.
Thinly veiled drug metaphors. You think drugs are bad.  We get it.  We don’t care.  At the very least get a thicker veil.

Monica’s justifiable grounds for homicide:

Male writers writing female narrators. While it’s not impossible to do this, the vast majority of men writing women don’t seem to have ever talked to a woman before in their life.  If your female narrator is shallow, stupid, and unable to do anything in her life that does not revolve around men, don’t send it.

And if you’re reading this thinking, “Well, of course she’d think this, she’s a woman,” then YOU’RE THE FUCKING PROBLEM.  You can keep trying, though, if you really want to.  Interesting side note, Monica once stared at a man with such disdain that he actually BURST INTO FLAMES.  Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Stereotypical minority characters. This kind of goes hand in hand with the above.  If you’re writing a black man, try actually talking to one.  It’s 2010, people.  We shouldn’t be getting offended anywhere near as often as we do by the way people are treating characters of various backgrounds.

Unanimously awful topics:

Erotica. Actually, this one doesn’t bother us, but we’re never going to publish it.  If you want to keep sending it though, for our own personal amusement, knock yourself out.
Rape. No.  Bad.  We don’t really need there to be any more rape in the world than there already is.  Monica would also like to clarify that any sort of sexual act perpetrated without both parties’ consent is rape.  Again, we’re surprised how often people don’t seem to know what the fuck they’re writing.
Relationship drama. While this seems to be a staple of literature, it is also very often boring as all hell.  If your story’s just two people moping around, maybe find somewhere else to send it.  If they’re doing it while juggling cats, though, you’ve got our attention.

On the flip side, here are a few things we wouldn’t mind seeing more of:

Strong female voices. We know you’re out there.
A light-hearted view of the world. Fiction does not have to be so God damned grim.
Truly bat-shit insane fiction. If you’re worried that what you just wrote is too ridiculous to be published, send it.

Again, please don’t take any of the above personally.  We’re simply giving you a glimpse into our own tastes.  We’re not saying that the themes mentioned above are bad or shouldn’t be written about (well, we’re not saying it about most of them anyway), but simply that we’re really not that interested in them.  Your story about a bunch of mobsters being raped by vampires may very well be the best story about mobsters getting raped by vampires ever written.  It may deserve to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.  And we may even say as much.  But it doesn’t mean we have to like it.

Besides, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.  Of course, you better make damn sure you read THEIR submission guidelines before you start sending shit.  I don’t want to get blamed for a rash of vampire stories getting sent to a site looking for memoirs and poetry.

Bananafish is “an online venue for exceptional, short-form literature with a focus on wit, originality, and innovation,” founded by Daniel McDermott, author of “Three Dates in Orlando,” currently online in our very own Issue Four.

And if that wasn’t enough, Bananafish’s first issue also includes stories by previous JDP contributor and all-around exceptional writer Anne Wagener (“Time Machine,” Issue Three) and our very own editor Eirik Gumeny.

So go check them out. Not only is it a mini Jersey Devil Press love-in, but it’s an excellent, worthwhile literary journal in its own right.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that missing this issue would be a terrible way to end the year. You would regret it forever. I’m serious, man, don’t even joke like that. You need to read this.

The online version is available here, and the .pdf is here.

As always, you can follow us on Facebook or subscribe to the RSS feed in your reader of choice to get all the breaking, up-to-the-minute JDP news.

Unwrap the online issue here or unbox the .pdf here.