Jersey Devil Press » holiday

‘Twas the day before Christmas…

Jersey Devil Press — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 07:13:54 +0000

‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the top floor,
Only boss-men were stirring, trying to break down the door.

But the door would not budge, the windows were locked,
For St. Nicholas himself ensured the exits were blocked.

“I have a list for naughty, and I have a list for nice,
“But you gentlemen…” said Santa, “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“I’m sure you’re aware,” continued jolly old Nick,
“That you’ve all acted like a right bunch of pricks.”

The men in suits shrugged, some looked at their feet,
This wasn’t the first time they’d taken the heat.

Then what to their wandering eyes did appear,
But two dozen elves, and nine pissed-off reindeer.

“You bankrupted my grandma!” yelled a riled up Dancer,
“My kids won’t go to college!” echoed a blood-thirsty Prancer.

The suits pleaded and begged, they cursed at their fate,
But they knew not a single one would see the next day.

“Please,” said one of them, “I thought we’d only get coal!”
“You will,” replied Santa, “if you give back what you stole.”

The men in suits paused, and looked ’round the room,
Not a single voice raised to stave off their doom,

Despite billions of dollars spent on boats and on golf!
“I’m gonna enjoy this,” snarled a grinning Rudolph.

The elves and the reindeer launched their attack,
But Santa’s heart grew heavy, and he turned his back.

The men in suits spun and swatted and ran everywhere,
But the elves were tiny and fast and they liked to pull hair.

The clatter could be heard throughout the office,
The CEOs screaming, “Oh my God! GET THEM OFF US!”

But there was no one to help them, to witness their torment,
For all of their workers were on unemployment.

The men in suits fought, but soon lost and then died,
The elves laughed maniacally while Santa just sighed.

“I do hate doing this; it’s just not my niche,
But it’s Happy Christmas to all, not just the rich.”
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Merry Christmas (or Happy Boxing Day, Kwanzaa, belated Hanukkah, winter solstice, or just have a nice day) from Jersey Devil Press!

And don’t forget to check out our holiday issue!

Holiday Issue is up!

Jersey Devil Press — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 04:00:03 +0000

The Jersey Devil Press Holiday Half-Issue is now available! We’re an hour early, but that’s OK. Consider it our gift to you. Go ahead, you can open it now, we don’t mind. Look! A quartet of holiday fiction from M. R. Lang, Anne Vize, Lora Rivera, and Audrey Forrest! Just want you wanted!

Unwrap the online issue here or unbox the .pdf here.

Holiday submissions now closed!

Jersey Devil Press — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 05:28:47 +0000

Alright, the submission window for our Holiday Half-Issue is now closed! Submissions seemed to run a little Christmas heavy, but, hey, ’tis the season. We’ll make our final decisions during the week, and the issue will go live next Friday. Thanks to everyone who submitted!

Holiday submissions now open.

Jersey Devil Press — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:50:25 +0000

Because monthly issues just weren’t enough, we’ve decided that we’re going to have a Holiday Half-Issue available mid-December. Of course, to successfully do that, we’re going to need holiday-themed stories.

We don’t care if it’s about Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, or any other winter holiday you can come up with. Hell, it can even be about a general disdain for the entire season. It should just relate to the holidays in some way or else the entire theme is rendered moot. And, seeing as how we are us, after all, feel free to add as many Hanukkah goblins and robots to your story as you want.

Holiday submissions should adhere to our regular submissions policy. The only difference is that we’re requesting you add the word “Holiday” to the subject line. Submissions for the issue will only be open until December 11, 2009, with the issue being released the following Friday. It’s not a lot of time, we know, but we have faith in you.

And given that it’s a half-issue, we’ll probably only be running three or so stories. Just enough to print out and cram into someone’s stocking as a thoughtful last-minute gift. A gift made all the more touching if you’ve actually got a story in it.