Jersey Devil Press

‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the top floor,
Only boss-men were stirring, trying to break down the door.

But the door would not budge, the windows were locked,
For St. Nicholas himself ensured the exits were blocked.

“I have a list for naughty, and I have a list for nice,
“But you gentlemen…” said Santa, “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“I’m sure you’re aware,” continued jolly old Nick,
“That you’ve all acted like a right bunch of pricks.”

The men in suits shrugged, some looked at their feet,
This wasn’t the first time they’d taken the heat.

Then what to their wandering eyes did appear,
But two dozen elves, and nine pissed-off reindeer.

“You bankrupted my grandma!” yelled a riled up Dancer,
“My kids won’t go to college!” echoed a blood-thirsty Prancer.

The suits pleaded and begged, they cursed at their fate,
But they knew not a single one would see the next day.

“Please,” said one of them, “I thought we’d only get coal!”
“You will,” replied Santa, “if you give back what you stole.”

The men in suits paused, and looked ’round the room,
Not a single voice raised to stave off their doom,

Despite billions of dollars spent on boats and on golf!
“I’m gonna enjoy this,” snarled a grinning Rudolph.

The elves and the reindeer launched their attack,
But Santa’s heart grew heavy, and he turned his back.

The men in suits spun and swatted and ran everywhere,
But the elves were tiny and fast and they liked to pull hair.

The clatter could be heard throughout the office,
The CEOs screaming, “Oh my God! GET THEM OFF US!”

But there was no one to help them, to witness their torment,
For all of their workers were on unemployment.

The men in suits fought, but soon lost and then died,
The elves laughed maniacally while Santa just sighed.

“I do hate doing this; it’s just not my niche,
But it’s Happy Christmas to all, not just the rich.”
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Merry Christmas (or Happy Boxing Day, Kwanzaa, belated Hanukkah, winter solstice, or just have a nice day) from Jersey Devil Press!

And don’t forget to check out our holiday issue!

The Jersey Devil Press Holiday Half-Issue is now available! We’re an hour early, but that’s OK. Consider it our gift to you. Go ahead, you can open it now, we don’t mind. Look! A quartet of holiday fiction from M. R. Lang, Anne Vize, Lora Rivera, and Audrey Forrest! Just want you wanted!

Unwrap the online issue here or unbox the .pdf here.

Alright, the submission window for our Holiday Half-Issue is now closed! Submissions seemed to run a little Christmas heavy, but, hey, ’tis the season. We’ll make our final decisions during the week, and the issue will go live next Friday. Thanks to everyone who submitted!