Also good times? Genghis Khan Versus a Velociraptor and Issue Eight. Not really related to one another, but both available online. So get to it.

“We do.  We do feel terrible.  You took pictures, right?”

Of course we did.  Make your way over to our photo gallery and take a peek at the super-talented, photogenic actors… and Eirik and Steve.  Also, there are music stands.

“God, that looks awesome.  I bet I missed all the cool merchandise you guys were selling, too.  I suck.”

Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself.  There’s still some left!  Grab your wallet and head to our store to order Perhaps., Exponential Apocalypse, or the Genghis Khan Versus a Velociraptor magnet set.  That’s right, magnets!  Bright, colorful and showcasing some of the choicer quotes from the evening.  Plus they stick to metal!  Magic!

“Fuck yeah.  But I don’t think I’m going to get the quotes without knowing the plays…”

Oh my goodness, we can fix that too!  Check out the scripts for all four plays: Too Easy, Urinal Cakes, Better Than Flowers, and Genghis Khan Versus a Velociraptor.  Now you can act them out in your living room with your friends!  Or put on a show with the neighbor kids!  There’s nothing funnier than six-year-olds cussing and talking about sex!  OK, maybe don’t use six-year-olds.

In any event, grab a beer, order a pizza, and start clicking on the links above.  It’ll (sort of) be just like being there!

Feel free to download them, read them, perform them, whatever. Please just give the author credit.

All files are in .pdf format.

Too Easy

Urinal Cakes

Better Than Flowers

Genghis Khan Versus a Velociraptor

Also wanted to mention that Stephen Schwegler is giving away a copy of his book Perhaps. to one lucky reader. You can tell this is all him because, nice guy that he is, he’s not even making you jump through hoops for it. You can check out the details here.

And while we’re talking about contests, go check out Bananafish’s first Short Story Competition. The winner gets money AND a t-shirt.

OK, now, time to rock out the May issue. Make sure you catch up on April’s while you still can!

Well, OK, yeah, you can catch up on all the issues all the time, but let’s at least pretend there’s some urgency here.

Wishes & Fishes
by Eirik Gumeny

Once upon a time there was a monkey. But this was no ordinary monkey. This was a magic, wish-granting monkey. Unfortunately for the monkey, though, this wish granting came at a price: He had to be listening to country music for the wish to come true.

The monkey hated country music.

He tried to like it, he really did. He wasn’t a stupid monkey, he knew that liking country music would be in his best interests. But there were songs about tractors. Tractors! The monkey just couldn’t do it.

One night, while drowning his sorrows in cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster, the monkey met a girl monkey. They got to talking and everything was great, until a Garth Brooks song came on over the PA system. The monkey immediately became annoyed.

“What’s wrong?” asked the girl monkey.

“I hate country music,” replied the monkey.

“It’s not THAT bad.”

“I know,” continued the monkey, “and it gives me the power to grant wishes, but…”

“You can grant wishes when you hear country music?”

“Yeah.”

“How is that a problem?”

“I really, REALLY hate country music.”

“Why don’t you just wish for the power to grant wishes WITHOUT having to hear country music?”

The monkeys lived happily ever after.

The show went extremely well and, hopefully, we’ll be able to do something similar down the line. We’ve got a ton of pictures and video for those of you who weren’t there, but, first, Monica and I need to sleep for three days straight.

Sweet merciful crap! Genghis Khan Versus a Velociraptor is tomorrow! TOMORROW! TOMORROW!!!

On the off chance you hate exclamation points, let me explain this in a calmer manner: We are absolutely fucking stoked for this event. And we want you there. All of you. And your friends. If you haven’t already reserved your seat, DO IT NOW. Until we get that e-mail, we can’t make any promises. Don’t be left out.

Here’s the link to the nitty-gritty: www.jerseydevilpress.com/genghis

And here’s the ADD version:

In case the exclamation points aren’t evidence enough, we are stoked for this event. And we want you there! If you haven’t reserved your seat, DO IT NOW. Unless we get that e-mail, we can’t make any promises. You’ll be standing outside, looking sad, watching everyone else have the awesomest time ever. Don’t be that guy! Or girl! Or whatever you identify as!

The nitty-gritty is here: www.jerseydevilpress.com/genghis

The short version is here:

Genghis Khan Versus a Velociraptor: A Reading/Workshop/Shindig
Saturday, April 24th, shows at 6:00 and 8:30 p.m.
tickets@jerseydevilpress.com
Shetler 1, Shetler Studios, 244 West 54th Street, New York, NY 10019

Motherfuckers, seriously. Genghis Khan Versus a Velociraptor is next weekend! Meet the JDP authors! And not just Steve and Eirik! Drink some beer! Watch a show! Cheaper than the movies! Do it! You know you want in!

Get your seats reserved now by e-mailing tickets@jerseydevilpress.com! Yes, we’ve got the Facebook event thing, but be sure to e-mail us anyway. People lie about events all the time on Facebook! You’ve probably done it yourself, haven’t you? For shame. And, besides, getting that ding in our inbox is a massive ego boost for us.

Guys, don’t forget! Genghis Khan Versus a Velociraptor is less than two weeks away!

Get your seats reserved by e-mailing tickets@jerseydevilpress.com! Yes, we’ve got the Facebook event thing, but be sure to e-mail us anyway! People lie on Facebook. E-mail is far more trustworthy. And getting that ding in our inbox makes us feel special.

Speaking of making us feel special, our donation drive is still underway!

For every donation of $5, Eirik will write a short story on a Post It note and mail it to the donation-giver. $10 gets you a short story written on a piece of paper ripped from a steno pad. $20 and your story’s on actual, factual, 8.5 x 11, lined, ruled, notebook paper. And anyone who donates $40 or more gets a seat reserved for them in the front row of the show. These generous awesome folks, regardless of amount, will also get mad props on the website, should they want that.

Donation button’s to the right. Get clicking!

Thanks in advance. We look forward to seeing you at the show!