{"id":925,"date":"2010-12-07T17:05:50","date_gmt":"2010-12-07T22:05:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=925"},"modified":"2010-12-15T00:09:40","modified_gmt":"2010-12-15T05:09:40","slug":"blitzenkrieg","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=925","title":{"rendered":"Blitzenkrieg"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Ryan Forsythe
\n
<\/br>
\nIt was a dark and stormy night.\u00a0 All throughout the house, not a creature was stirring.\u00a0 Okay, that\u2019s not exactly true.\u00a0 Behind the east wall of nine-year old Penny\u2019s bedroom was a whole colony of cockroaches.\u00a0 I\u2019m talking Macropinesthia rhinoceros.\u00a0 Yep, Australian rhinos, the biggest of all cockroaches.\u00a0 One of these dirty buggers could take your foot off, if you know what I mean.\u00a0 And there were thousands<\/em> of \u2018em.\u00a0 But little Penny was finally sound asleep, after tossing and turning for hours thinking of each and every thing she had asked Santa for.\u00a0 Would she wake up to find a My Little Tweeker with GlueSniffing Action\u2122 under the tree?<\/p>\n

Anyhoo, let\u2019s try not to get sidetracked by the cute kid\u2014and she was cute, with her freckles, dimples, wide corrective lens-free eyes, and nary a hint of the pimples that had scarred her stupid brother Jimmy, making him think he was the butt-ugliest boy at Carson High, which he was, by the way.\u00a0 No, let\u2019s not get off course.\u00a0 Right now we\u2019re more interested in these cockroaches.\u00a0 Big mean hairy sonsabitches with one aim, one purpose uniting them on this of all nights.<\/p>\n

Revenge.
\n
<\/br>
\nIt was precisely one year earlier, on a Christmas Eve not unlike this one, when one of them eight fancy reindeer stomped NrwFTrb.\u00a0 Just so you\u2019re not confused by the name, I should note here that cockroaches don\u2019t take names like Willie and Peter and Dick.\u00a0 No, those are names that Homo sapiens reserve for their kids to ensure a lifetime of penis jokes.\u00a0 But cockroaches don\u2019t have penises, not technically.\u00a0 You might just say the cockroach\u2019s very name is something of a misnomer.\u00a0 Which is not to say that they don\u2019t have cock jokes<\/em>.\u00a0 Which they most certainly do.
\n
<\/br>
\n

Excerpt from The 101 Best Cockroach Cock Jokes for Kids<\/span><\/em>
\nBy RuxvtPr \u201cRuxvtie\u201d Johnson<\/center>
\n
<\/br>
\nCock-cock<\/em><\/p>\n

Who\u2019s there?<\/p>\n

Cock.<\/em><\/p>\n

Cock who?<\/p>\n

Cockroach.<\/em><\/p>\n

—<\/div>\n

<\/br>
\nQ: What\u2019s the difference between a Gromphadorhina portentosa and an angry automobile driven by an asshole Blatella germanica?<\/em><\/p>\n

A: One is a Madagascar hissing cockroach.\u00a0 The other is a mad hissing gas car roach cock.<\/em><\/p>\n

—<\/div>\n

<\/br>
\nQ: What did the female cockroach say to the male cockroach after sex?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0 My one time and I end up with Mr. Attaphila fungicola!<\/em>
\n
<\/br>
\nJust in case you didn\u2019t get that last one, I should mention that the smallest species of cockroach, the Attaphila fungicola, reaches a maximum length of 3 millimeters.\u00a0 Also, some females mate once and then are pregnant the rest of their lives.\u00a0 As you can see, this is a large source for jokes among cockroaches.\u00a0 The book may have sold well among cockroaches, but it was a total bust among all other species\u2014even humans, who will generally buy anything, especially if it has the word \u201cBest\u201d in the title.<\/p>\n

But the cockroaches.\u00a0 The Christmas before, little NrwFTrb had just finished covering his spermatophore in a protein-reach wrapping, in order to provide some nutrients for his best girl. \u00a0When WAM!<\/em> Out of nowhere comes Blitzen.\u00a0 I know, it would have been better to say \u201calong came Rudolph\u201d\u2014Santa\u2019s got to make it to town and all that.\u00a0 But we want to be true to NrwFTrb\u2019s memory.\u00a0 And so, we must stick to the facts.\u00a0 Which can pretty much be summed up this way: Splat.<\/p>\n

Ah, but he wasn\u2019t dead yet.\u00a0 No, NrwFTrb was a smart little cockroach, and so he was able to detect the smallest movement in the air by the tiny hairs sticking up on his cerci, two little appendages on his back.\u00a0 The hairs sent the word along his nerve cells to get out of there pronto.\u00a0 Unfortunately, compared to NrwFTrb, the reindeer were enormous.\u00a0 And there were eight of them.\u00a0 His cerci said, \u201cMove! \u00a0Move! \u00a0Move!\u00a0 Go now!\u00a0 Run!\u00a0 Go!\u00a0 Go!\u00a0 Go!\u201d\u00a0 And I don\u2019t use all those exclamations loosely.\u00a0 They are nasty things, certainly never to be overused.\u00a0 But as I noted above, we must be true to this story.\u00a0 And NrwFTrb\u2019s cerci most certainly were shouting.<\/p>\n

He darted from Dasher and Dancer and propelled past Prancer. \u00a0The vermin virtually vaulted Vixen and quickly covered ground between Comet and Cupid.\u00a0 He even dashed doggedly away from Donner. \u00a0But then, there NrwFTrb was.\u00a0 A bloody blemish beneath Blitzen. \u00a0Blast that belligerent beast.<\/p>\n

Really, our hero had just lost his head.\u00a0 Cockroaches can live a long time without their head.\u00a0 But he was no longer able to fend for himself, to fight off predators.\u00a0 And sure, even if technically<\/em> he died an hour later because that gull considered him a tasty snack\u2014just the right mix of crunchy and salty\u2014the other cockroaches still attributed his death to that asshole Santa and his reindeer goons.<\/p>\n

Man, those cockroaches were steamed<\/em>.\u00a0 And so they planned and plotted for this day, knowing that the executioner in red only comes once a year.\u00a0 Ah, and this brings us right back to where we started.\u00a0 To catch us up: A dark and stormy night.\u00a0 Penny\u2019s house.\u00a0 Cockroaches stirring.\u00a0 Revenge.
\n
<\/br>
\nKnowing this night would be their one chance in 365 to exact revenge\u2014for this was no leap year\u2014the cockroaches were abuzz with chatter.\u00a0 It came to a head forty minutes before midnight, when Tyyyyuk raised a point.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if Penny and the other child\u2014the one called \u2018Jimmy\u2019\u2014have not been good this year?\u00a0 What if Santa is bypassing the house this year?\u00a0 Then we\u2019ve prepared this whole time for nothing.\u00a0 I say we must cut our losses now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Please note: when I say Tyyyyuk raised a point, you must understand that cockroaches are silent animals. \u00a0They communicate without vocalizing, instead using touch and chemicals and sometimes even visual cues to share information.\u00a0 Don\u2019t think I don\u2019t know this.\u00a0 Hey\u2014if anyone knows these particular cockroaches, it\u2019s me.\u00a0 But I\u2019m paraphrasing here, translating for you.\u00a0 Obviously if I said, Tyyyuk touched Pwdssv\u2019s back and then probed her antenna before proceeding to drop a trail of feces in a four inch circle and finally touching twice the smaller sensory bristle extending from her abdomen, you\u2019d have no idea what I was talking about.\u00a0 You\u2019d literally have no freaking clue that Tyyyyuk was a pacifist, advocating that they give up the mission.<\/p>\n

Anyway, Tyyyyuk\u2019s speech riled NrwFTrb\u2019s mother, Sally.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d she screamed.\u00a0 \u201cI won\u2019t let this be in vain!\u00a0 They took my son\u2014my only son!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cActually,\u201d said her husband Ubdqm.\u00a0 \u201cWe have 246 children.\u00a0 And you\u2019ve got 32 more babies in your ootheca, coming any day now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShut up, dear.\u00a0 I\u2019m trying to make a point.\u00a0 And the point is this: \u00a0How often have we let Santa dictate our lives? \u00a0We could live freely.\u00a0 But no, we live in fear.\u201d<\/p>\n

And she was right.\u00a0 Santa didn\u2019t even stop to help poor NrwFTrb.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t care, probably didn\u2019t even notice.\u00a0 It\u2019s behavior like this that gives us humans a bad name.\u00a0 (Yes, I, your trusty narrator, am a human.\u00a0 Are you surprised?\u00a0 Imagine how completely surprised you\u2019ll be when you find out I\u2019m Penny and I\u2019m actually dead and reciting all this from heaven.\u00a0 Yeah, trick ending\u2014go me!)<\/p>\n

\u201cTonight,\u201d said Sally, \u201cwe celebrate\u2026 our independence day!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWait\u2014you mean Christmas, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, my little Blattodea.\u00a0 Today we will be free of the red suited menace.\u00a0 Forever!\u00a0 We have been planning for this moment for months.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah!\u201d shouted hundreds of cockroaches.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow,\u201d said Sally.\u00a0 \u201cWho\u2019s with me?\u201d
\n
<\/br>
\nFinally, the big moment arrived.\u00a0 The reindeer thumped on the roof.\u00a0 Mom and Dad and Jimmy slept through it.\u00a0 Penny stirred a wee bit, but was soon back to her dream.\u00a0 Probably that one about Charlie Burkhalten, this dreamy guy in her math class.\u00a0 He had this great smile, but he liked Darlene Stapleton.\u00a0 Bitch.<\/p>\n

So the cookies were on the mantel, the sleigh was on the roof, and a sound pierced the air.\u00a0 \u201cHo.\u201d\u00a0 Then two more just like the first. \u00a0\u201cHo Ho.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yes, the moment they\u2019d all been waiting for.\u00a0 The cockroaches made their move, rising up and swarming Santa in a sea of brown.\u00a0 Biting his rosy cheeks, nibbling his cherry nose, attacking again and again.<\/p>\n

But Santa was not perturbed one bit.\u00a0 In fact, he began chuckling.\u00a0 The chuckles turned into one mighty guffaw that shook his belly like a bowl full of jelly.\u00a0 Something was wrong\u2014something was very wrong.<\/p>\n

Sally was the first to notice something peculiar:\u00a0 his glowing eyes.\u00a0 She flew back for a better view.\u00a0 And it was then that she realized:\u00a0 This Santa was no human.<\/p>\n

She tried to alert the others.\u00a0 But the roaches paid no attention.\u00a0 Few saw her spin around two times, back her wing against another roach, and tap her front legs together.\u00a0 And so they did not know what she was desperately trying to convey.<\/p>\n

This was none other than a Robo-Santa XK, one of 14,237,502 then in existence, used by Santa to be in so many places around the world at the same time.\u00a0 And that didn\u2019t even count the 3,942,807 Generation One SantaBots still in service.\u00a0 Santa was phasing them out as their warranties expired\u2014he didn\u2019t get the three-year service plan, which was actually fortunate because soon after he got all those Generation Ones, the XKs came out.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s more, this particular XK was one of a new breed, the Cockroach Eliminator 4000.\u00a0 Yes, Santa knew what these cockroaches were up to.\u00a0 Surely you didn\u2019t think the whole \u201cHe knows if you\u2019ve been bad or good\u201d applied only to humans.<\/p>\n

The elves had been hard at work in their North Pole bunker outfitting the Eliminators. \u00a0All those claymation shows you saw as a kid?\u00a0 Not even close.\u00a0 Santa and his crew lived fourteen-thousand feet below the surface in a titanium reinforced fortress, protected by a deltamethrin-encased layer of hydramethynon gel, reduced to a temperature of forty below zero\u2014cold enough to freeze any cockroach in his tracks.\u00a0 Additionally, a perimeter extending forty meters, composed of fipronil, surrounded the compound.\u00a0 When it came to cockroaches, Santa took no chances.<\/p>\n

In the middle of the swarm, Santa gave a wink of his eye and a twist of his head.\u00a0 Suddenly, a cloud of boric acid blasted from his schnoz, coating the cockroaches in toxic powder.\u00a0 Those closest to the robot immediately started dropping.\u00a0 Only those buzzing on the outer perimeter were able to escape.\u00a0 Sally was not so lucky.\u00a0 In her fruitless attempt to warn her fellow roaches, she got a little too close to the acid.<\/p>\n

The Robo-Santa XK Cockroach Eliminator 4000 tapped a finger to his nose and soon disappeared.<\/p>\n

Though he was out of sight, Sally heard him chuckle and shout, \u201cMerry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!\u201d<\/p>\n

As Sally lay dying, she turned to her younger brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cTyyyyuk, promise me you\u2019ll destroy that man, if it\u2019s the last thing you do.\u00a0 That you\u2019ll avenge my death and the deaths of all who have given their lives today.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t really think it\u2019s appropriate to engage\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cPROMISE ME!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, uh.\u00a0 I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n

And with that, Sally fell on her back, her legs shook three times, and she was gone.<\/p>\n

The survivors regrouped and surveyed the damage.\u00a0 Fully three-quarters of the cockroaches had perished in the epic Battle of Christmas Eve.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are we going to do, Tyyyyuk?\u201d asked WqYIPf.<\/p>\n

Tyyyyuk was torn.\u00a0 On the one hand, he didn\u2019t believe in aggression.\u00a0 But he couldn\u2019t sit idly by while those reindeer continued to destroy the roach way of life.\u00a0 Or could he?<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, WqYIPf.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI hate to say it.\u00a0 But there\u2019s only one thing that can ensure that our way of life continues.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2014you don\u2019t mean\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I\u2019m afraid it\u2019s the only way.\u00a0 We must acquire a nuclear bomb.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tyyyyuk gulped.\u00a0 He really did.\u00a0 This is the one action that means the same among cockroaches as it does among humans.\u00a0 So I didn\u2019t have to translate.\u00a0 But I wanted you to know that I wasn\u2019t translating, just describing the scene.\u00a0 So I had to tell you that.\u00a0 Sorry\u2014I\u2019ll stop.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere in the world are we going to find a nuclear bomb?\u00a0 Those things have got to be locked up tighter than a\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLeave it to me,\u201d said WqYIPf.
\n
<\/br>
\nNuclear-grade Plutonium was hard to come by in the U.S., but in the former Soviet Union, they only had to get past one man with a gun and a chain-link fence.\u00a0 Still not convinced that a cockroach could get past security?\u00a0 Chew on this: for an adult cockroach that can squeeze into a space the thickness of a quarter, a chain-link fence is an invitation.<\/p>\n

In fact, cockroaches are not uncommon in former nuclear weapons holdings.\u00a0 Sure, in the U.S., janitors regularly mop the floors at high-security nuclear laboratories.\u00a0 But with the break-up of the Soviet Union, the regular cleaning schedule has been stopped altogether.\u00a0 Hence, cockroaches are not an uncommon sight.\u00a0 A fact that they exploited to their advantage to walk off with seventy-five kilograms of Plutonium\u2014enough for a baker\u2019s dozen of Nagasaki-sized bombs.
\n
<\/br>
\nExcerpt from the Congressional Subcommittee Hearing into Who Knew What When. And How.<\/em>
\n
<\/br>
\nSENATOR A: \u00a0Madam President, refresh our memory.\u00a0 Why did you elevate the threat level on December 6 to \u2018Really, Really Red\u2019?<\/em><\/p>\n

PRESIDENT: \u00a0There was clear and present danger. \u00a0We had detailed and highly specific information that an attack was imminent.\u00a0 It is my sworn duty to warn the American people, to prepare them\u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

SENATOR B: \u00a0Madam President, is it your intent to negotiate with the cockroaches? \u00a0Are there even presently any agents who can understand cockroach\u2026 ese?<\/em><\/p>\n

PRESIDENT: \u00a0Um\u2026we\u2019re working on it.\u00a0 As I\u2019ve learned, cockroaches don\u2019t talk so they must communicate in other ways.\u00a0 But as I\u2019ve stated before,\u00a0 under no circumstance will the cockroaches be allowed to maintain these weapons.\u00a0 If there are any cockroaches listening now, let me say\u2014<\/p>\n

SENATOR B: \u00a0What I want to know is, why weren\u2019t we prepared for this?\u00a0 Homeland security spent so much time monitoring emails and library books that they ignored the real menace right in front of our faces\u2014cockroaches!\u00a0 We now face a nuclear-capable order of insects.\u00a0 Just how in God\u2019s name did this happen?
\n<\/em>
\nPRESIDENT:\u00a0 If I may, Senator, no one had any clue that the cockroaches would do something like this.<\/em><\/p>\n

SENATOR B:\u00a0 No clue?\u00a0 It\u2019s my understanding there was a report issued by your administration in February regarding cockroaches.\u00a0 Is that true?<\/em><\/p>\n

PRESIDENT:\u00a0 Uh, yes.\u00a0 That\u2019s correct.<\/em><\/p>\n

SENATOR A: \u00a0Do you recall the title of this report?<\/em><\/p>\n

PRESIDENT: \u00a0I believe it was something like \u2018Cockroaches Determined to Get the Nuclear Bomb and Use It Against Santa, Possibly Taking Out the Rest of Humanity With Him.\u2019<\/em>
\n
<\/br>
\nTyyyyuk flipped off the television.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, I agree that this Santa is a problem.\u00a0 But we have<\/em> the weapon now\u2014it\u2019s a deterrent.\u00a0 There\u2019s no way we can use it.\u00a0 I mean, how do we even know that we<\/em> will survive the blast?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, come on, Tyyyyuk.\u00a0 We\u2019ve all<\/em> read the stories about how we\u2019ll survive anything.\u00a0 We\u2019re cockroaches, damn it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but that information comes directly from the humans themselves.\u00a0 What if it\u2019s a trick?\u00a0 To lure us into a false sense of\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTyyyyuk?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShut up.\u00a0 It\u2019s been decided.\u00a0 We\u2019re doing this.\u00a0 And we\u2019re doing it now.\u00a0 We must avenge NrwFTrb.\u201d<\/p>\n

Under his breath Tyyyyuk said, \u201cMay cockroach God have mercy on our souls.\u201d
\n
<\/br>
\nBeeeeeepbeepbeep… Beeeeeeeeepbeepbeep. This is the emergency broadcast network.\u00a0 This is an actual emergency.\u00a0 We repeat, this <\/em>is an actual emergency.\u00a0 A nuclear bomb is expected to arrive in the KPOW Loyal Listener area in approximately twenty-seven minutes time.\u00a0 All Loyal Listeners are urged to duck and cover.\u00a0 We repeat, you are urged to duck. \u00a0And cover.\u00a0 If there is a bomb shelter or bunker in your region, what the holy hell are you waiting on? \u00a0Go now. \u00a0Please stay tuned for more updates as we get them.\u00a0 We now return you to our Retro 80\u2019s Rewind Weekend here on KPOW, home of all your favorites from yesterday and today.\u00a0 Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Loverboy.\u00a0 Everybody\u2019s workin\u2019 for the weekend.<\/em>
\n
<\/br>
\nIn case you\u2019re wondering, I never got that My Little Tweeker doll.\u00a0 But it didn’t matter as within a few months just about everyone on earth was dead.\u00a0 Except for Santa, of course.\u00a0 The bombs didn’t touch him in his bunker.\u00a0 The cockroaches are reorganizing.\u00a0 I guess they have some bigger ideas for next Christmas.
\n
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<\/br>
\nRYAN FORSYTHE is a writer and artist from Cleveland now living in Southern California. He is the author of The Little Veal Cutlet That Couldn’t<\/em>, a children’s book for adults. Learn more at www.ryanforsythe.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Ryan Forsythe It was a dark and stormy night.\u00a0 All throughout the house, not a creature was stirring.\u00a0 Okay, that\u2019s not exactly true.\u00a0 Behind the east wall of nine-year old Penny\u2019s bedroom was a whole colony of cockroaches.\u00a0 I\u2019m … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":904,"menu_order":3,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-925","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P15duy-eV","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/925","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=925"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/925\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":947,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/925\/revisions\/947"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/904"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=925"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}