{"id":7735,"date":"2017-11-15T23:19:35","date_gmt":"2017-11-16T06:19:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=7735"},"modified":"2017-11-15T23:19:35","modified_gmt":"2017-11-16T06:19:35","slug":"kafka-in-paradise","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=7735","title":{"rendered":"Kafka in Paradise"},"content":{"rendered":"

Tushar Jain<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Phone rings.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cGood afternoon, sir! You\u2019re talking to Sudesh. Thank you for calling the Paragon Store. May I know who I\u2019m speaking to?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is Dhanakar Prabhakar.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you for clarifying that, Mr. Prabhakar. And you\u2019re calling from your registered mobile number?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat? Registered mobile? I don\u2019t . . . \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cNo issues, Mr. Prabhakar. I have checked and I can see that you are, in fact, calling from your registered mobile number. So, tell me, how can I assist you today?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh. I ordered this book from your store. I want to return it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh. I\u2019m disappointed to hear that, sir. May I know the name of the title you wish to return?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018Kafka in Paradise.\u2019\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Mr. Prabhakar.\u201d Brief Pause. Keys clack. <\/em>\u201cMr. Prabhakar, I can see that you bought this book five days ago and as per our policy, you are safely within the period of one week during which you can return the book and be refunded fully for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI already know that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRegardless, it is our policy at the Paragon Store to ensure that our customers are well-informed about, well — ha ha — our policies! Old fart!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat! What did you say?!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a bit of disturbance on the line, Mr. Prabhakar. I\u2019m guessing it\u2019s from your end?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm. Work going on in the building . . . \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cI see. In any case, as I mentioned, you are eligible for a full refund for \u2018Kafka in Paradise.\u2019 But first, I am required to ask you some details. Was the delivery not on time, Mr. Prabhakar?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDelivery? No, no. Delivery was perfect, totally on time. Ahead of time, to be perfectly honest.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, thank you for confirming that. Next question. Was the condition of the delivered book not satisfactory? Did you find a page torn or any kind of damage to the copy you were handed?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis copy? It\u2019s great! Glossy. Incredible cover art. Premium quality pages. Publishers these days are really pushing hard against those e-books, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUm, I guess so, Mr. Prabhakar. Sir, if the delivery was on time and you\u2019re satisfied with the copy of the book you received, why do you want to return it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI read it. I didn\u2019t like it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI read it twice actually. Didn\u2019t like anything about it both times.\u201d<\/p>\n

Brief Pause.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSir . . . You\u2019ve read the book?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTwice, did I say? Make that thrice. Yeah. Three times. After reading it twice, I thought if I read it another time, I might like it. But no. Hated it every bloody time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Mr. Prabhakar, if you\u2019re admitting you\u2019ve already read<\/em> the book . . . Well, even if I go purely by policy, we cannot have the book returned to us if you just didn\u2019t \u2018like\u2019 it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not? You said it yourself! It\u2019s within the seven day period!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s true. But — \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt said on your site-thing that you care about having satisfied customers. Well, I\u2019m not satisfied with this dumb book! I want to be rid of it and have my money back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, Mr. Prabhakar, it\u2019s not as easy as that. Since this is a somewhat unique problem, I think I might not be the right person to handle this. Will it be okay if I transfer you to my senior, Mahesh? I\u2019m sure he\u2019ll be able to assist you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever. Makes no difference to me. I just want my money back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDefinitely, Mr. Prabhakar. I\u2019m putting you on hold while I transfer the call . . . Crazy fuck!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did you — \u201d<\/p>\n

The phone is put on hold. George Michael\u2019s \u2018Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go\u2019 plays. Someone picks up after a minute.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cGood morning, Mr. Devakar! This is Mahesh speaking.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Prabhakar! And it\u2019s afternoon! And I\u2019ve been on hold listening to some awful song!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh? Oh! That would be George Michael, sir. Our C.E.O. is very taken with the music of the late singer and songwriter Mr. Michael. But that is besides the point. At the Paragon Store, more than their business, we value our customers\u2019 time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoesn\u2019t seem like that so far! I\u2019ve been held up trying to return this miserable book and — \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe book, yes! Sudesh informed me about your, um, case and I\u2019m very sorry to say — \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not taking it back?!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m afraid not, Mr. Prabhakar. You see, you have already \u2018read\u2019 the book. We are past the stage of \u2018purchase\u2019 and \u2018return.\u2019 You have already consooooomed <\/em>the product. You wouldn\u2019t have returned us an empty bag of chips if you ate the chips and didn\u2019t like them, would you? In that example, you quite literally would have consooooomed <\/em>the product.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy are you talking like that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTalking like what, Mr. Dinakar?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy name\u2019s Prabhakar! Never mind. And as far as I can remember, the Paragon Store doesn\u2019t sell chips! But it does sell books! Which I\u2019m entitled to return, as per your<\/em> policy, within a week\u2019s time if I\u2019m dissatisfied!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh. Ah. Mr. Prabhakar, again, what we\u2019re having here is simply a conflict of terrrmmms<\/em>. I don\u2019t think you completely comprehend the complex conundrum of contrary forces involved in market economics. Our present problem though is relatively simple. It is the problem of a man who walks into a \u2018bookshop\u2019 and thinks it\u2019s a \u2018library.\u2019 As I said, a problem of . . . terrrmmmmms.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop talking like that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTalking like . . . whhaaaaatttt<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is absurd! You\u2019re telling me you won\u2019t take back this horrible book!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot after it\u2019s already been read, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s your stated company policy! It\u2019s written all over your website!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, yes. That is<\/em> true. But what interests me especially Mr. Dinakar is that you insist you\u2019re returning the book because you didn\u2019t \u2018like\u2019 it. Now, this is an interesting loophole, Mr. Dinakaran. We have<\/em> reimbursed clients and taken back products based on the \u2018quality\u2019 of the product. For instance, if we sent you a mixer-grinder and it failed to mix and grind, we\u2019d readily take it back and reimburse the customer. Hmm . . . hmmmmmmm.<\/em> And you say you didn\u2019t like the book qualitatively at all?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe prose\u2019s stilted! The writing\u2019s pathetic! And the characters are cardboard cut-outs!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm. This is a very interesting case. But, at my level, I think I will be of no use to you. I\u2019ll transfer you to my senior, Hitesh. He is the man for the job. Even if I were to consider your request as valid, I don\u2019t think I can reimburse you such an amount on a whim.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe book\u2019s only a hundred and fifty rupees! Yours is a multi-billion dollar company!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd January is a month of thirty one days. All good facts, Mr. G. V. Dinakaran. But one has nothing to do with the other. You\u2019ll be put on hold while I transfer the call.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you dare<\/em> play me any George Michael son — !\u201d<\/p>\n

The phone is put on hold. George Michael\u2019s \u2018Last Christmas\u2019 plays. A minute passes.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHello, you\u2019re speaking to Hitesh, Head of Sales! How can I help you today?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe book! I want to return this damn book!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes. Mr. Prabhakar, right? Mahesh told me about you. Don\u2019t worry, sir. I think I am in a position to help you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbsolutely, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank God!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. I\u2019m glad you\u2019re relieved, Mr. Prabhakar. At the Paragon Store, we deeply<\/em> value our customers.\u201d<\/p>\n

Brief Pause.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh. I thought I was being quite clear. Mr. Prabhakar, there\u2019s no way we\u2019ll be taking the book back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou bastards!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no need for language like that! Please let me clarify. Mahesh informs me that the question being raised here is about the quality<\/em> of the product as a basis for a full reimbursement, right? Now, sir, here\u2019s the snag. The Paragon Store takes full<\/em> responsibility for the products we sell. But it takes absolutely none for the contents <\/em>of those products. It is this dichotomy, Mr. Prabhakar, that is causing us so much trouble. Between the \u2018product\u2019 and its \u2018contents.\u2019 Those are two very different things and we at the Paragon Store are only responsible for one of them. The product. Not its contents. The bag of chips. And not the chips.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just a hundred and fifty rupees!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease don\u2019t interrupt, Mr. Prabhakar. It\u2019s very rude for a man of your age. Where was I? Yes. So now, since you have raised objection to the content<\/em> of this product, I will revert you to the third party who is to be held solely responsible. In this case, that would be the author of this book.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no, there\u2019s no need to — \u201d<\/p>\n

Keys clack.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s no bother, sir. It\u2019s part of our protocol. Rest easy. \u2018Kafka in Paradise,\u2019 wasn\u2019t it? Yes, yes. The name\u2019s showing up. The author is . . . \u201c<\/p>\n

Brief Pause. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Prabhakar . . . \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Dhanakar Prabhakar?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSpeaking.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSir, um, it says that . . . ahem . . . <\/em>have you<\/em> written this book, Mr. Prabhakar?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. And I want to return it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are not satisfied with it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think it\u2019s awful! I don\u2019t want anything to do with it!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you wrote it!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that! Don\u2019t keep telling me that! Now will you give me back my money or not?!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, this is . . . It was quite simple before, Mr. Prabhakar but . . . If you have a problem with the content and you yourself<\/em> are responsible for the content. I\u2019m not entirely sure I know what the company policy says about that. Mahesh was right. This is a very unique case. Frankly, I don\u2019t think I am at the right level to handle something like this. I think I\u2019ll have to transfer you to the Head of Sales.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?! I thought you<\/em> were the Head of Sales!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMe? No, no, no. Sir, I believe there has been a miscommunication. My name <\/em>is Hitesh Hadoff-Sales. I have a Welsh father and my mother\u2019s from Catalonia.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing in India?!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cChasing a dream, sir. I have long aspired to be the Head of Sales.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEnough! Do not transfer me to another incompetent idiot! Transfer me to someone who can make decisions around here!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cActually, sir, you\u2019re in luck! Fortunately, our C.E.O., Mr. Paresh, is here today! He comes over for inspections sometimes. I think he will be the best person to tackle this particular issue. Please stay on hold while I transfer the call.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWait! Don\u2019t put me on — \u201d<\/p>\n

The phone is put on hold. George Michael\u2019s \u2018Careless Whisper\u2019 plays. Two minutes pass. Someone picks up. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve had it with this!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, Mr. Prabhakar! This is Paresh here. The C.E.O. of the Paragon Store. I hear that my boys are feeling quite stumped by your case.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, that\u2019s an understatement!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019s no cause to worry, Mr. Prabhakar. This is the very reason I\u2019m here, getting in touch with the everyday customer. Reminds me of the days when I was just like Mahesh or Hitesh. No different from Ramesh or Dinesh. Sitting in a cubicle next to Suresh or Ganesh. One of the boys, you know. But today, I\u2019m here to set examples. To solve trying problems like yours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo what are you going to do about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat am I going to do about it? Ha! Right to the heart of the matter! I\u2019ll tell you what I\u2019m going to do about it. The Paragon Store will send an agent down to your residence today itself and collect the book from you. Within the week, the money will be fully reimbursed to your bank account.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWha . . . Just like that?!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust like that, Mr. Prabhakar. You see, this is the difference when you talk to someone who can make quick decisions and take action.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou — You\u2019re a very reasonable man! Thank you!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo problem at all. It was my pleasure, Mr. Prabhakar. Now, I can see this red light blinking here which means there\u2019s another tough case waiting for me to handle, so — \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes, yes! Please go ahead. I\u2019m glad this is done with! I mean I just wouldn\u2019t have been able to take one more horrible George Michael song. Haw haw haw<\/em>!<\/p>\n

Brief Pause.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHello?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you have against George Michael, Mr. Prabhakar?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, haw haw<\/em>, what would I<\/em> have against a dead m — \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, yes! I know he\u2019s dead! You needn\u2019t point that out to me, Mr. Prabhakar!\u201d<\/p>\n

Sudden sounds of muffled snivelling is heard on the line.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Paresh?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGeorge Michael was a visionary, you know! A musical genius! Singer, songwriter and — and that hair! His influence on Western music and culture is unparalleled!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, come on. That\u2019s stretching it a bit, don\u2019t you think?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, that does it!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry to say, Mr. Prabhakar, but I don\u2019t help homophobes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHomopho — I\u2019m not a — !\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have our Complaints Department for that sort of thing. Please stay on the line while I transfer you to one of my juniors.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no, please no! No more transfers! Listen!<\/em> Mr. Par — !\u201d<\/p>\n

The phone is put on hold. George Michael\u2019s \u2018Faith\u2019 plays on high volume.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TUSHAR JAIN<\/strong> is a poet, playwright, and author. He was the winner of the Srinivas Rayaprol Poetry Prize, 2012 and a winner of the Poetry with Prakriti Prize, 2013. Subsequently, he won the RL Poetry Award, 2014. He was a winner of the DWL Short Story Contest 2014. He won the Toto Funds the Arts Award for Creative Writing, 2016. His work has been published in myriad literary magazines and journals such as Aaduna, Papercuts, The Nervous Breakdown, Antiserious, Raed Leaf India, The Young Ravens Review, The Bangalore Review, Streetcake Magazine, The Sierra Nevada Review, Into the Void Magazine, The Cape Rock Journal, Miracle, Dryland Magazine, Edify Fiction, Gramma, decomP Magazine, Priestess and Hierophant Magazine,<\/em> and elsewhere.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tushar Jain     Phone rings. \u201cGood afternoon, sir! You\u2019re talking to Sudesh. Thank you for calling the Paragon Store. May I know who I\u2019m speaking to?\u201d \u201cThis is Dhanakar Prabhakar.\u201d \u201cThank you for clarifying that, Mr. Prabhakar. And you\u2019re … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"parent":7732,"menu_order":3,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-7735","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P15duy-20L","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/7735","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7735"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/7735\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7743,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/7735\/revisions\/7743"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/7732"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7735"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}