{"id":6882,"date":"2015-09-30T21:00:16","date_gmt":"2015-10-01T03:00:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=6882"},"modified":"2015-09-30T21:00:16","modified_gmt":"2015-10-01T03:00:16","slug":"wheres-the-best-bbq-in-this-town","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=6882","title":{"rendered":"Where\u2019s the Best BBQ in This Town?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Matthew Myers<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ooo-hoo. Oh man oh man oh man.\u00a0You really want the best? This is what you have to do: Make sure you have plenty of cash. They don\u2019t take credit cards or any of that.\u00a0What hotel are you staying at?\u00a0Okay, head south from there, go two miles down whatever road that is, two blocks past the third gas station.\u00a0There’s a little shack of a place with bars over the windows and all the lights out. Park in the back near the pile of old Christmas trees.\u00a0Watch your step.\u00a0The asphalt\u2019s like waves. If you become disoriented, look up and try to find familiar stars through the sodium lights. There will be nothing but a swirl of yellow-glazed bugs. Despair and then strengthen yourself. Let the shivers run down your spine and out like gutter water.<\/p>\n

Knock on the door marked DELIVERIES.\u00a0Use your knuckles.\u00a0Don\u2019t use the palm of your hand. Knock three times, each one louder than the last.\u00a0Don\u2019t knock again.\u00a0Don\u2019t doubt that you knocked right. You did just fine, just fine.\u00a0Make sure your shoelaces are tied.\u00a0Be on guard.\u00a0There are killers and thieves in the shadows of the laundromat across the lot. They will strike if they feel you’re not on point.\u00a0They may strike anyway, so keep your wits a-fucking-bout you.<\/p>\n

A woman will answer the door. She\u2019ll ask you if you need to talk to Arturo. Don\u2019t answer.\u00a0After the silence becomes unbearable, she will ask you if you have a reservation.\u00a0Say Yes. You won’t, but say Yes anyway.\u00a0She’ll ask your name. Say \u2018Frankfurt Burns, party of two.\u2019\u00a0Make sure you have two in your party.\u00a0Say you’re Rich’s other nephew and cough twice into your fist. Don’t forgot to mention that you’re Rich’s\u00a0other<\/em>\u00a0nephew or she\u2019ll become suspicious.\u00a0Technicolor spiders will appear on her shoulders and you won\u2019t know whether you\u2019re awake or dreaming, and you may forget your mother\u2019s maiden name.<\/p>\n

She will open the door and hand you a manila envelope.\u00a0Accept it immediately.\u00a0In the envelope will be a map and a postcard with a picture of a horse on it.\u00a0On the back will be a number written in pencil.\u00a0Memorize this number.\u00a0Say \u2018Thank You, Sharon.\u2019\u00a0She will crinkle her eyes as if her name is not Sharon. But it is.<\/p>\n

Return to your car. Pray no dogs come out, but do not pray out loud. Watch your corners. Make sure no one’s in your back seat before you open the door. Drive back to the gas station. Fill up your tank and buy a two-gallon container. Fill that as well.\u00a0Turn off your headlights and flip the map upside down. Follow it to the letter.\u00a0The drive will be long, and you will abandon hope of ever reaching your destination. Keep going.\u00a0You can’t fail. Your appetite is on your side.<\/p>\n

The moon will appear to pixelate and shudder.\u00a0Night clouds will turn blood red and take on a horrific majesty.\u00a0Suicidal ideations may take hold, and your steering will pull left a bit. If you\u2019re a praying man, pray.\u00a0If you\u2019re not, don\u2019t. Hold fast and breathe slowly into your hunger.<\/p>\n

In your rear view the road will chase you. You will know sorrow and you will know fear. Your bones will make sounds that your ears will doubt.\u00a0You will come to the end of the map and still you\u2019ll see nothing but corn, and the howls of animals will remind you of past loves. Don\u2019t ignore the rush of nostalgia. Feel it fully, cry until you’re dry, let the memories become small enough to fit into the glove box, then place them there beside the flashlight, the tire gauge and the gun you didn\u2019t know was there.\u00a0If you must doze, doze. The rumble strips will bring you back.<\/p>\n

Press the radio on and scan the AM band until you hear something like the laughter of children.\u00a0Signal right but turn left and drive until the laughter dies.\u00a0Pull over and kill the engine.\u00a0Leave your keys in.\u00a0Get out of the car, take three deep breaths and follow the sound of footsteps through the kicked-up cloud of gravel dust.\u00a0Feel free to fear, but don\u2019t doubt the maker of the footsteps. Just follow and keep your own thoughts hidden from you.<\/p>\n

A screen door will find you like a spider web in the dark.\u00a0You\u2019re here.\u00a0Squeak the screen door alive and open. The cicadas won\u2019t be there to cheer you on any longer.\u00a0Step inside and go blind from the neon light of beer signs. When your eyes tune in, your Hostess will be standing there. Her hair is a black majesty.\u00a0The scar on her forehead will do nothing to hide her beauty but don’t gaze too long or she will own your soul and the pink slip to your car.\u00a0She will take your coats and offer you salvation.\u00a0Let your face fall down into her breasts without embarrassment. She will hide you and heal you.\u00a0There is a blue rose tattoo on her collarbone. Count the petals. This will come in handy in future lives.\u00a0The number on the coat check ticket will feel strangely damning.<\/p>\n

Hand her the postcard and tell her your number from the postcard.\u00a0It\u2019s no longer written there, but you remember it, don\u2019t you? Of course you do. Follow her into the dining room and when she offers you a seat, ask her for another; for a booth, closer to the window.\u00a0She will try to talk you out of it.\u00a0Do not, for Christ\u2019s sake, let her talk you out of it.<\/p>\n

Your Waitress will come by about a half hour later.\u00a0You\u2019ll think it’s Sharon but it’s not.\u00a0You\u2019ll then think it must be her twin sister, but Sharon has no twin.\u00a0She’ll ask if you want the buffet.\u00a0There is no buffet. Say No.\u00a0She’ll ask if you want to hear the Specials. There are no Specials, but don’t,\u00a0Do Not<\/em>, let her know that you know this.\u00a0When you’re very sure she’s done with the Specials, say you’d like to see the Tuesday menu, unless it actually is Tuesday, in which case simply ask for \u2018The Menu.\u2019<\/p>\n

A doughy-faced man at the next table will grab your shirtsleeve and ask how’s the weather in El Paso. If you happen to be from El Paso and have only left recently, feel free to tell him, but use plain English and avoid meteorological jargon (this will enrage him and you\u2019ll have to fight him to first blood in the parking lot with silverware and jumper cables and you will lose). Otherwise, laugh like it’s an old joke and say, \u2018Oh no, I’m not that easy,\u2019 then give a little laugh, then he will laugh too and slowly release his grip from your sleeve, leaving a runish mark that you will ponder in your old age when all of your friends have died.<\/p>\n

Study the menu. The words will spin slow and settle onto the page and into the sauce-smeared fingerprints of past diners. The fingerprints are mysteriously, Pygmi-ish small.\u00a0The jukebox will cue up Walter Pitchfork’s\u00a0Pigfucker Lacrimosa No. 4<\/em>\u00a0and it will make you fear for the lives of your children.\u00a0Especially if you have no children.\u00a0Resist the urge to call and check on them or all will be lost.\u00a0Concentrate hard on the menu.\u00a0There is a troubling wisdom in the description of sauces if you\u2019re the kind who can find it.<\/p>\n

Now order.<\/p>\n

This is your time. Do not falter. Easy now.<\/p>\n

The Burnt Tips are gone by the time you get there. Don\u2019t even ask. The Pickled Sow Cunt is what the place is known for. Order it with beans and slaw or not at all. The Pulled Pork Platter has tons more meat then the Sandwich but costs the same. The Chicken is just okay, but if you’re a chicken guy, I guess you’ll like it just fine.\u00a0The Ribs are excellent, but they’ve been known to induce temporary blindness in whites and Chinese.\u00a0Small price to pay, some say, but know the odds.\u00a0They only do full racks, no halves, and don’t even think about splitting it with your partner because fingers are lost that way more often than they\u2019re not.\u00a0The Devil’s Cock-n\u2019-Balls is exactly what it sounds like.\u00a0Do not<\/em>\u00a0order this unless you literally want to eat the Devil’s cock and balls.<\/p>\n

The 66-n\u2019-6 Sampler is the way to go.\u00a0I always get the ol\u2019 66-n\u2019-6.\u00a0It of course comes with the Devil\u2019s Cock-n\u2019-Balls, but just let them lie there if that\u2019s not something you feel comfortable digesting.<\/p>\n

The needle will mysteriously jump from\u00a0Pigfucker Lacrimosa No. 4\u00a0<\/em>three bars from the end, and either\u00a0Whammy Bar Mama<\/em>\u00a0or Slaughterhouse Kate\u2019s\u00a0Cuntrag Blues<\/em>\u00a0will come on. They have identical guitar solos but are otherwise nothing alike in sound, substance or mettle.<\/p>\n

The sauce cart will sidle up hot and loud and Gravy-Face Gary will ask you what sauce you fucking want in a voice that brings to light all of your father’s infidelities. There\u2019s Miner\u2019s Lung No. 6, Death Throes Rose, Bonnie’s Special Red, Ragwater No. 5 and Bonnie’s Xtra Special Red. If you’re braving the Devil’s Cock-n\u2019-Balls, I’d use the Xtra Special Red and man oh man let it flow. Otherwise you can\u2019t go wrong with the Special Red. Miner\u2019s Lung is an acquired taste but if you\u2019re like me, you should always be acquiring more tastes, right? Ragwater No. 5 doesn\u2019t hold a candle to Ragwater No. 4 but that recipe died violently with its progenitor Polly \u2018Pretty Please\u2019 McGuillicutty at a Greyhound station in Joplin. Death Throes Rose gives me fevers and the shits so I rarely touch the stuff.<\/p>\n

The bathroom is to the right of the aquarium. Don’t mind the chickens hanging from the Bible-blackness of the drop-ceiling grid with no drop-ceiling tiles. Those are just the Voodoo chickens.\u00a0The chickens they use for cooking are in the mop closet, which is inspected quarterly in accordance with local bylaws, so breathe clear and easy.<\/p>\n

When you exit the bathroom, mind the Irish Wolfhound chained up to the slop sink. He doesn\u2019t bite or leg-hump, but lose yourself in his gaze and you risk a hellish vision quest, suspended in a mist between two waxing crescent moons, descending into a bright blue madness, remembering all pre-verbal pains and soul scars, before reemerging awash in glory fire and a new soul-skin, released from his spell and placed safely back in your seat by the mighty oaken arms of Gravy-Face Gary, also in accordance with local bylaws. Also, the Wolfhound will own the pink slip to your car (if you\u2019ve already lost this to the Hostess, you\u2019re fucked, brother).<\/p>\n

If you’re lucky, your food will be waiting for you when you come back.<\/p>\n

Enjoy your food and eat sloooow. Chew each bite thirty-seven times or the chef\u2019s allowed to leave a trace of his soul in it (again: local bylaws).\u00a0Chef\u2019s a decent guy but I wouldn\u2019t want a goddamn mote of his soul in my belly, and I eat most anything.<\/p>\n

Now when you\u2019re done, and if you still own the pink slip to your car, pull out and drive in an easterly fashion with the headlights off until you hit the main road.\u00a0Take nothing but lefts until you\u2019re back on the highway.\u00a0If you sweat something that doesn\u2019t smell like your own sweat, don\u2019t worry, that\u2019s situation normal.\u00a0Ignore the sounds of hooves clopping beside you. Now suck on that starlight mint and let that toothpick do its work and drive, drive, drive.<\/p>\n

And of course there\u2019s Porkin\u2019 Mama\u2019s just two blocks that way. They\u2019re pretty good too.<\/p>\n

Matthew Myers <\/strong>studied film at New York University in the 90s but somehow ended up working on an ambulance in the Midwest. He now works in an office, where the leftover adrenaline from his past profession had been redirected and is now secreted as fiction of both short- and long-range capability. Apart from one accidental short-form publication, this is his first published work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Matthew Myers Ooo-hoo. Oh man oh man oh man.\u00a0You really want the best? This is what you have to do: Make sure you have plenty of cash. They don\u2019t take credit cards or any of that.\u00a0What hotel are you staying … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"parent":6881,"menu_order":1,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-6882","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P15duy-1N0","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6882","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6882"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6882\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6889,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6882\/revisions\/6889"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6881"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6882"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}