{"id":6624,"date":"2015-03-04T10:32:57","date_gmt":"2015-03-04T17:32:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=6624"},"modified":"2015-03-04T10:32:57","modified_gmt":"2015-03-04T17:32:57","slug":"the-people-outside-your-house-are-not-monsters","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=6624","title":{"rendered":"The People Outside Your House are NOT Monsters"},"content":{"rendered":"

Jeffery Suwak<\/strong><\/p>\n

Listen, you\u2019re in really bad danger right now. I mean, like, pretty much the worst danger ever. And it\u2019s not the kind of danger you think it is, either. You need to come outside. Right now.<\/p>\n

This is Doug Evers writing. Remember me? I grew up next door to you. You used to make me peanut jelly and butter sandwiches.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen you looking out your window a few times and I waved, but you never waved back. I tried your door a few times last night, too. You probably heard. What the heck is that thing made of, anyway? None of the other doors in the neighborhood have given me so much trouble. That door is ridiculously strong!<\/p>\n

So, listen, you\u2019ve got everything all wrong. I bet you heard that crazy story about how a meteor landed outside town and released a bunch of gas, right? I bet you heard that the gas was full of tiny eggs that turned into worms inside people\u2019s lungs, right? And I bet you heard that the worms took control of people\u2019s brains and turned them into monsters that eat people and are really stupid (which is totally ridiculous), right? Well, listen, I\u2019m telling you right now that all of that is WRONG!<\/p>\n

There was<\/em> gas in the meteorite, but no worms. What the gas actually did was to make some people start seeing things that weren\u2019t there. That\u2019s what happened to you, and that\u2019s why we\u2019re writing this letter to you. We\u2019re trying to save you from yourself. The people in your yard are NOT monsters. We are your friends.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re the last one left in the whole neighborhood. We got everyone else out of their houses already. Their doors were easy, not like yours. What is that thing made of, anyway? It\u2019s seriously the strongest door ever.<\/p>\n

So, come on outside with us. It\u2019s safe. There aren\u2019t any monsters out here. This is Doug Evers from next door. You used to make me peanut jelly and butter sandwiches, remember?<\/p>\n

Oh! And you know what else? That gas that\u2019s making you see things is also going to make you and your husband go crazy and totally start killing each other. That\u2019s why you have to come out here with us! Right now!<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to slip this note under your door (seriously, I have no idea what that thing can be made of). Of course, if you\u2019re reading this, then you already know that I slipped it under your door, so there\u2019s no reason for me to say it. Duh!<\/p>\n

Come on outside. It\u2019s totally safe out here. We are NOT monsters. We\u2019re your friends. We want to help. I promise. I\u2019ll even make you a peanut jelly and butter sandwich if you come out, just like you used to do for Doug Evers.<\/p>\n

Think about it. Seriously. Come on, brain worms? You\u2019d have to be a total idiot to believe that!<\/p>\n

JEFFERY SUWAK<\/strong> lives in Washington state. He likes the word ‘carbuncular.’ Some of his recent short fiction publication credits include Plasma Frequency Magazine<\/em>, Spark: A Creative Anthology<\/em>, and The Colored Lens<\/em>. He’s the author of “Beyond the Temepst Gate” and “No Punchline; Or, the Night Chale Thayer Blew his Head off at the Punchdrunk Comedy Club.” He regularly contributes to Song Places<\/em>, Song Facts<\/em>, and The Prague Revue<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jeffery Suwak Listen, you\u2019re in really bad danger right now. I mean, like, pretty much the worst danger ever. And it\u2019s not the kind of danger you think it is, either. You need to come outside. Right now. This is … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"parent":6618,"menu_order":6,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-6624","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P15duy-1IQ","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6624","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6624"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6624\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6632,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6624\/revisions\/6632"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6618"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6624"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}