{"id":6619,"date":"2015-03-04T10:27:54","date_gmt":"2015-03-04T17:27:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=6619"},"modified":"2015-03-04T10:27:54","modified_gmt":"2015-03-04T17:27:54","slug":"the-little-duck","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=6619","title":{"rendered":"The Little Duck"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sam Bradford<\/strong><\/p>\n

You have to dismantle Brad Pitt\u2019s butt cheeks before replacing them. Donald knows that too well. Twice monthly he finds himself on a small stool, like a milkmaid, in front of Brad. This is Fight Club<\/em> Brad, shirtless, and his jeans have a hidden zipper that runs down the seam of each leg. Donald, in white gloves, unzips the jeans.<\/p>\n

He doesn\u2019t say anything to Brad, unlike some of the other employees. You start talking and things get weird. It\u2019s just a wax model, after all. Donald has the dual job of night watchman and \u201cEvening Sprucer\u201d over Brad and the others in Sir Blingly\u2019s Wax Emporium.<\/p>\n

Patrons pose with Brad for photos. Here, they can feel the excitement of celebrity proximity without any shame over the inability to control themselves. One outcome of this phenomenon is a surprising number of patrons, who, when posing with Brad, reach around and pinch his bottom.<\/p>\n

Enough pinching results in a pocked, uneven wax derriere. Armed with a putty knife and a hair dryer, the Evening Sprucer rights such wears and tears and alerts the Wax Master to larger maintenance.<\/p>\n

According to Todd, who is Wax Master and Donald\u2019s boss, the last thing you want to do is rip people from their fantasy. For one moment these workaday folk are on equal terms with celebrities, casual enough to throw an arm around them or pinch their bottoms. A furrowed rump, however, disrupts the illusion of egalitarian brotherhood the emporium temporarily provides.<\/p>\n

So Todd had the idea of installing rubber foam pads in Brad. He excavated the wax hindquarters (rumor has it they are still in his office somewhere) and replaced them with foam. Now Todd can look over the floor from his upstairs office and see adventurous patrons rewarded. Of course they know the figures are wax, but the unexpected gluteal suppleness generates a flash of doubt visible from across the museum. Like seeing people believe in a miracle. It lasts for only an instant, but Todd lives for this moment.<\/p>\n

But even the foam wears out. A vigorous pinch can pluck out a nugget. And if you shuffle Brad\u2019s pants, it falls by his ankle. Then, when it catches on that you can \u201cget a piece of ass\u201d from Brad Pitt, the response is piranhaian.<\/p>\n

So Donald exchanges used butt pads for fresh ones. Donald, a still-single Ph.D. candidate in political philosophy, bows before Brad for rump maintenance. Donald, a real-life philosopher, already bald and bearded, sees women swoon over a mound of wax and ignore him entirely. Donald, whose 416-page dissertation-in-progress considers the political detriment of American consumerism, takes a dual job at SB\u2019s just to sustain himself in his kimchi-stained, one-room apartment.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s all ok. Donald doesn\u2019t mind tonight as he rezips Brad\u2019s pants and trashes the mangled foam buttocks. It\u2019s all ok because that morning, Donald had received the first glimmer of real progress after eight years of labor: an email from a publisher telling him that he was \u201cin for a treat.\u201d To be looking for it in the mail.<\/p>\n

The mail came and Donald only allowed himself to see the return address from the major publishing house. They don\u2019t send hefty packets for rejection letters.<\/p>\n

You see, Donald wanted to be more than an obscure scholar. He wanted to be the thinker that obscure scholars devoted themselves to. He knew that to have a lasting impact on the populace, you had to put things in terms they understand.<\/p>\n

So Donald wrote what was to be the first in a string of scathingly dark satires, designed to skewer American consumerist ignorance so immaculately that there could be no resistance.<\/p>\n

His first piece, \u201cThe Little Duck,\u201d improves Eric Voegelin\u2019s concept of sociopolitical history, the Orders of Being. This Donald portrays by describing American fowl<\/em> behavior.<\/p>\n

The gods of the Greeks and Romans inhabited the natural world — the trees, rivers, atop a particular mountain. Everything divine is in human, worldly terms. This, to Voegelin, marks the Compact Order of Being:<\/p>\n

In the big blue pond, the little duck sings.<\/em><\/p>\n

In the big blue pond, he sees many things.<\/em><\/p>\n

But for the Israelites, God was unfathomable. No longer in Nature. Outside of all. They had made a \u201cleap in being\u201d from the Compact Order to the Differentiated Order:<\/p>\n

In the big blue pond, the little duck was kept.<\/em><\/p>\n

Out of the big blue pond, the little duck leapt. <\/em><\/p>\n

Outside the pond, there was more to see!<\/em><\/p>\n

Outside the pond, there was more to be! <\/em><\/p>\n

But Donald himself sees a second leap in being — so long in the Differentiated Order and we create our own evil God, capitalism:<\/p>\n

The little duck found a pretty dime.<\/em><\/p>\n

The pretty dime had a lovely shine.<\/em><\/p>\n

The pretty dime caught a hunter\u2019s eye.<\/em><\/p>\n

The hunter aimed his gun at the little guy.<\/em><\/p>\n

The little duck leaps and leaps some more.<\/em><\/p>\n

Boom! The little duck is no more. <\/em><\/p>\n

Fin.<\/em><\/p>\n

Finally, someone in the publishing world had recognized Donald\u2019s vision. And so, tonight, Donald does not dawdle as Evening Sprucer. He wants time to read the contents of the hefty packet without distraction:<\/p>\n

Mr. Donald Dubeneffer,<\/em><\/p>\n

We are very pleased to offer publication of your groundbreaking book,<\/em> THE LITTLE DUCK. We even have Una Lentutti, top-tier illustrator, interested in collaborating with you. We included samples of her work.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cFancy that!\u201d Donald says.<\/p>\n

Please complete the attached contract and royalty negotiation and return in the enclosed envelope. Our editors will be in touch.<\/em><\/p>\n

We are thrilled to publish your work, Mr. Dubeneffer. We believe it is the perfect addition to our new <\/em>WORKS FOR \u201cWIDDLE WEEDERS\u201d series. Shooting from the hip here, but how would you feel about a pen name? Something punchy, so the kids won\u2019t stumble over so many syllables — think \u201cBrad Pitt.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Warmest regards,<\/em><\/p>\n

Gerard Albertson IV<\/em><\/p>\n

Albertson, Albertson, Albertson, and Albertson, Publishers, Inc. <\/em><\/p>\n

Una Lentutti — whose e-cigarette has interchangeable lights to match her outfit, whose perpetually damp hair looks jetted by an alarmed squid — was so powerful in the children\u2019s publishing division of QuadAl that she was allowed to choose a book every year to \u201cmake.\u201d Known for once depicting all characters in a book on table manners as nude and anatomically exaggerated, her drawings captivated young readers, evoking a profitable je ne sais quoi <\/em>in lackluster subgenres. The book was banned in some countries.<\/p>\n

Una was not to be inspired by a story; on the contrary, the story was not to get in her way. So every year, she scavenged the most innocuous submission from the slush pile.<\/p>\n

When she had read Donald\u2019s piece, she had recalled a species of Amazonian duck with a penis twice as long as its body. She could draw that. It\u2019s not being crude<\/em>, she thought. It\u2019s real. Just try to censor it!<\/em><\/p>\n

At the Wax Emporium, Brad Pitt and Donald climb to the top floor, where Todd\u2019s office overlooks the figures. Brad Pitt has foam bottoms pinned all over him. The two stand atop the guardrail.<\/p>\n

Brad Pitt leaps in being. He leaps and is no more.<\/p>\n

WM. SAMUEL BRADFORD<\/strong> teaches high school English in Atlanta, Ga. He is currently working on a novel. His stories have appeared in the New Yorker<\/em>, which is to say that he staples them in the back of the copy at the public library.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sam Bradford You have to dismantle Brad Pitt\u2019s butt cheeks before replacing them. Donald knows that too well. Twice monthly he finds himself on a small stool, like a milkmaid, in front of Brad. This is Fight Club Brad, shirtless, … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"parent":6618,"menu_order":1,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-6619","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P15duy-1IL","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6619","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6619"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6619\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6626,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6619\/revisions\/6626"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/6618"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6619"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}