by M. R. Lang
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\nIt\u2019s a yellow school bus with a prow made from house decks in the front. \u00a0There\u2019s a wooden hull wrapped around it and the windows are stained-glass. \u00a0The stop sign on the side has a Jolly Roger biting its tongue painted in green. \u00a0For the mission at hand, it has snow tires stolen from a used auto parts store.<\/p>\n
The captain sits on the roof of the bus-ship, dangling her legs through an emergency exit. \u00a0She wears a thick, black fur coat and a puffy, worn ski cap to keep her warm. \u00a0Her long, brown hair tied in the back, below the hat, is starting to freeze at the ends. \u00a0Welder’s goggles keep the snow and bright glare out of her eyes. \u00a0Down inside, her skellingtons man the ship and get ready for the job. \u00a0The knives are sharpened, the guns are loaded, bones are bleached, and Alice in Chains is playing over the bus-ship\u2019s intercom system. \u00a0As he passes the sign, Derek, the driver, motions to the others that it\u2019s almost time.<\/p>\n
North Pole: 3 miles<\/em><\/p>\n Captain Ducksworth jumps down into the bus-ship to inspect her crew.\u00a0 The navigator, Shelly, has a crude drawing of the northern hemisphere drawn on her skull, and there\u2019s a small candy cane sticking out to mark the North Pole. \u00a0There\u2019s also a rifle strapped to her back. \u00a0The one they call Tool has a denim Sex Pistols jacket open, revealing his ribs, which have a machete and a handgun inside for easy gettin\u2019 to. \u00a0Morris and Joplin clean their guns, sitting together in the back. \u00a0Ron paints his vertebra, alternating red and green. \u00a0The belts hanging off his shoulders and wrapped down around his ribs have been painted bright white, clashing against his off-white bones.<\/p>\n The captain opens her coat to show a rapier hanging from each side of her belt and a nine millimeter handgun sticking out of her waistband between them. \u00a0She takes a moment to pose, a hand on her hip, and pictures bold text across her waist: \u201cCaptain September Ducksworth: Surrealist Pirate, Extraordinaire.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s almost time, crew. \u00a0We\u2019ll perform a frontal assault on the compound the moment Derek pulls up to the stables. \u00a0Hit anyone and anything that gets in your way. \u00a0I want us to move fast before they can mount a counter attack.\u00a0 If they get a chance, they\u2019ll hit us hard. \u00a0If anyone\u2019s too injured to continue, fall back to the ship and have Derek signal me.\u201d<\/p>\n The captain looks out the windshield and sees another sign.<\/p>\n \u201cThe fat man is mine\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Reindeer Crossing Next 500 ft.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/br> The team doesn\u2019t get more than fifteen feet before the snowmen sentries burst from the snow and pull out rifles from inside themselves.<\/p>\n \u201cFALL BACK!\u201d September yells.<\/p>\n They each fire off a few shots as they retreat to the snow banks. \u00a0Ron\u2019s skull is grazed and two holes are punched through Tool\u2019s jacket.<\/p>\n \u201cShelly! \u00a0Morris! \u00a0Joplin! \u00a0Suppressing fire!\u201d<\/p>\n The three run to the top of their snow banks and fire at the snowmen while the other three charge with swords drawn. \u00a0September plugs a snowman\u2019s rifle with one sword and takes several swipes at it with the other. \u00a0Ron slices one snowman in half and then tosses his sword into another\u2019s head. \u00a0Tool jumps straight for a snowman and drives the machete down the top of its head. \u00a0The other three now focus on the remaining snowman and decimate it with bullets. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 September waves the whole team to move forward. She\u2019s sure Santa’s heard the gunfire.<\/p>\n As they approach the compound, doors in the snow burst open, throwing snow behind them. \u00a0Clowns and jesters on springs fly into the air to reveal jack-in-the-box guards. \u00a0Four of them take aim with shoulder-mounted cannons and fire wooden train grenades. \u00a0The team runs through the explosions and fire back. The guards can only fire one shot every few seconds, and the grenades are easy enough to dodge. \u00a0It\u2019s not long before they\u2019re dispatched.<\/p>\n September eyes Santa\u2019s cottage a short way down a path away from the compound.<\/p>\n \u201cTool, Morris, and Shelly, inside. \u00a0Make sure no one comes after us. \u00a0Everyone else with me.\u201d<\/p>\n September, Joplin, and Ron run down the path, keeping their eyes open for more sentries and guards, guns ready. \u00a0Gunfire and screams are heard behind them. \u00a0As they get closer to the cottage, Santa\u2019s Mechanical Robotic Soldier Calibrated for Logical Assassination and Ultimate Sabotage jumps out from behind a metal Christmas tree and slings ninja stars shaped like the Star of Bethlehem. \u00a0Ron and Joplin change course towards MRS CLAUS while September heads right for Santa\u2019s front door. \u00a0She twirls around and lets her back hit the wall, next to a window. \u00a0She takes a glance at the others fighting MRS CLAUS before spying inside the cottage. \u00a0Santa is sitting at his desk, checking his list. \u00a0She sidles towards the door and takes deep breaths.<\/p>\n Captain Ducksworth kicks in the door and fires towards where Santa was sitting, but he\u2019s already gone. \u00a0Gun first, she inspects the cottage for fat men in red. \u00a0As she starts to peak inside a bedroom, September hears boots hit the floor and she spins around.<\/p>\n \u201cHo, ho, ho! And what are you doing here, little girl?\u201d Santa asks.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m here to stop you, fat man!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHo\u2026 but I only bring happiness to children around the world! \u00a0Why would you want to stop me?\u201d<\/p>\n September takes a few steps forward, making sure the gun is between the two of them.<\/p>\n \u201cYou only bring happiness to the children you want to! \u00a0And then you break into their houses while they\u2019re sleeping. \u00a0Who are you to decide who\u2019s naughty and nice!? \u00a0Getting children to write you letters about all the toys they want, then toy makers and video game studios mark-up the prices and push the goods you tell them to! \u00a0And there\u2019s that whole elf-slave thing. \u00a0I\u2019m on to you. \u00a0Oh, I\u2019m on to you so good\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHo, ho\u2026 ho\u2026 You\u2019re a naughty, little girl, Ms. Ducksworth.\u201d Santa puts his hands on his belt and laughs, making his belly shake like an evil bowl of pudding.<\/p>\n \u201cSanta\u2019s going to have to put an end to you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n He whips off his belt and it snaps straight into a sword.<\/p>\n September tries to take a shot with her gun, but Santa is a fast old elf. \u00a0She draws a sword with her other hand and blocks Santa\u2019s belt-sword. \u00a0She takes aim with the gun, but with his free hand, Santa grabs it and pushes it to the side. \u00a0He pushes her against the wall and smiles. \u00a0She kicks him in the knee and he falls to one side. \u00a0With Santa wavering, September cuts his sword arm at the elbow and escapes his hold. \u00a0She gets off five shots into his belly, but Santa just laughs. \u00a0The bullets are pushed back out from his belly and hit the floor. \u00a0September looks Santa in the eyes just as they start to turn as red as his suit. \u00a0He takes a look at the cut on his arm as it heals itself, the suit mending itself with a loud hissing sound. Santa slowly turns his gaze back to September and continues to laugh. \u00a0She runs into the hallway and shoots at Santa\u2019s face, but his beard bursts up to cover his face and the bullets just bounce off. \u00a0In the hall, September realizes she\u2019s gotten herself cornered. \u00a0She\u2019s only one idea left.<\/p>\n Santa calmly walks over to his desk and opens a drawer. \u00a0From inside, he pulls out an old ordinance pistol from the 19th century. \u00a0It\u2019s been customized with a Christmas tree shaped sight and red and white striping.<\/p>\n \u201cSanta got this little baby from the Easter Bunny last year. \u00a0Ho, ho, ho\u2026 I\u2019ve been waiting for a chance to try it out.\u201d<\/p>\n As Santa takes aim, September ducks low and start running. \u00a0She takes a few blind shots at Santa\u2019s head, causing his beard to cover his face. \u00a0With Santa effectively blind, September pounces on his chest, stabbing him where his heart should be. \u00a0She kneels on his protruding stomach, no longer shaking, and pushes the sword in deeper.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d Santa screams. \u00a0\u201cMy heart has been pierced! \u00a0My cold, dark heart\u2026 Ho, ho\u2026 oh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Santa coughs and starts to falls backwards. \u00a0September pushes off and lands on her feet a few feet in front of where Santa now lays.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve been a very naughty\u2026 Oh, God\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Santa\u2019s juices spill onto the floor and start to bubble. \u00a0His eyes slowly turn back from red to blue and his beard begins to melt. \u00a0September stands above Santa, victorious. \u00a0Outside, MRS CLAUS explodes.<\/p>\n The team walks back to the stables followed by a horde of newly freed elves. \u00a0They release the reindeer into the custody of the elves and turn Rudolph over to some elf chefs. \u00a0Derek opens the door and lets the other skellingtons board. \u00a0As September gets on the first step, a taller elf named Shermey walks up to her and tells her that he\u2019ll take charge of the compound and plans to turn it into a dental school. \u00a0She smiles and walks onto the bus-ship.<\/p>\n As she turns the heater to high, she looks at her crew and asks, \u201cWho\u2019s for coffee?” by M. R. Lang It\u2019s a yellow school bus with a prow made from house decks in the front. \u00a0There\u2019s a wooden hull wrapped around it and the windows are stained-glass. \u00a0The stop sign on the side has a Jolly … Continue reading
\nDerek slides the bus next to the reindeer stable and everyone else hustles out of the bus-ship. \u00a0Tool pistol-whips Rudolph so he can\u2019t alert the Claus. \u00a0Once they\u2019re sure the stable is locked up tight, the team makes for the compound. \u00a0A hundred feet from Santa\u2019s compound, they separate and dive behind snow banks for cover. \u00a0September peers behind the snow to survey the battlefield. \u00a0A handful of elves are already packing the sleigh with brightly wrapped boxes, but only two bags are full\u2026 there\u2019s still time. \u00a0September waits for the elves to go back inside for more boxes before she signals her skellingtons forward.<\/p>\n
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\nM. R. LANG<\/strong> writes from his aboveground cavern, assisted by his manservant, Jackandular McGaston. With his supercomputer that in no way at all resembles a flying mammal of any kind or makes horrible, shrill cries when alerted to local crime, he writes short fiction and plays solitaire. No one knows where the giant penny comes from. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"