by Brian Long
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\n\u201cThe World\u2019s Largest Jigsaw Puzzle is a Bitch to Solve.\u201d<\/p>\n
This was the headline smeared across the front page of Nebraska\u2019s largest newspaper, like a bold font slap in the mouth.\u00a0 Brannigan, Nebraska, which was hailed as being the home of the World\u2019s Largest Jigsaw Puzzle on all of its billboards, was a small town without much money to its name, and its citizens were tired of being mocked for their incomplete roadside attraction.\u00a0 The desperate need for a new tourist trap had been growing since the Great Fire of \u201966.\u00a0 Brannigan lost two attractions on that day, when the World\u2019s Largest Match was burnt down by the newly completed World\u2019s Largest Magnifying Glass.\u00a0 The oversized ocular assistant was taken down when it was deemed to be far too dangerous to Brannigan, and any oversized objects that might be constructed in the future.\u00a0 As time went by the town burrowed deeper and deeper into financial ruin.\u00a0 Brannigan\u2019s citizens were looking for any excuse to stage a political coup and with the printing of this article they were certain they had found it.\u00a0 The small town\u2019s mayor, Cal Janson, was certain the newspaper article would become his epitaph if he couldn\u2019t assure the people at the town hall that the puzzle would be finished soon.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, if we could refrain from throwing anymore bottles or shoes, especially those of you wearing high heels, we can continue with the questions,\u201d said Cal, nervously adjusting the tie that felt way too large around his straw-thin neck.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re the laughing stock of the entire county Mr. Mayor!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think there was a question in there,\u201d Cal said.\u00a0 He dabbed his handkerchief, which was now soaked with liquid fear, against his charcoal hair.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy question is, why on Earth didn\u2019t we make the world\u2019s largest dictionary instead!?\u201d<\/p>\n
The crowd began to murmur in agreement.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople, we are only forty pieces away from finishing the puzzle!\u00a0 Now it\u2019s true, we still can\u2019t tell what the image on the puzzle is, but I am certain once the last few pieces are put into place it will all make sense.\u00a0 And I hope all of you will be coming out for the big celebration tomorrow where we will be finishing the puzzle; won\u2019t that be great?\u201d<\/p>\n
The crowd gave a tepid reaction, and then the mayor continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlso, Mr. Cappello, they turned down your world\u2019s largest dictionary idea nearly thirty years ago, you\u2019ve really got to let it go.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cal began to survey the crowd for the next question when one of the townspeople exclaimed:<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s only saying that \u2018cause he\u2019s porkin\u2019 the puzzle maker\u2019s niece!\u201d<\/p>\n
Cal took a nervous glance at his wife, Carli; she had recently been kicked out of her second attempt at anger management and things were always a bit sticky those first few post-therapy days.\u00a0 This time she had been kicked out for proclaiming that \u201cThis shit is for pussies!\u201d in the middle of a group therapy session.<\/p>\n
Carli stood up from her seat, gently brushed off her purple dress, tucked her brown hair behind her ear and stepped up to the podium.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood people of Brannigan, to make the claim that attempting to finish the world\u2019s largest puzzle is the result of nepotism because of my relationship with the puzzle\u2019s creator is ludicrous.\u00a0 My ties to my Uncle Sebastian are strained at best, and as far as the newspaper article is concerned…\u201d<\/p>\n
Cal was amazed by his wife; she had always had a calm and levelheaded side that few people besides himself had the opportunity to see; he couldn\u2019t believe this was actually his wife, reasoning and keeping the peace with the crowd.\u00a0 And then she said this:<\/p>\n
\u201cHonestly?\u00a0 Who reads the fucking newspaper anymore, for Christ\u2019s sake?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis meeting is adjourned, thank you everyone,\u201d said Cal, grabbing his wife and bolting off stage while the sound of boos, shattering glass, and shoes thumping against the wall accompanied their mad dash.
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\nAt the ceremony the following morning, Cal remained nervous.\u00a0 It looked as though the entire town had showed up at the grand unveiling.\u00a0 Many of them had stopped at Fiscal Frank\u2019s Flea market before arriving, which was having a sale on angry mob supplies.\u00a0 They had all purchased bargain priced pitchforks, torches, or Molotov cocktails and each of them was prepared to handle their problems in the manner that their town was famous for: a good old fashioned mob scene.<\/p>\n
Cal\u2019s attentions were split between the volunteers putting the last few puzzle pieces into place and his watch, which was reminding him with each tick of the second hand that Carli was running late.\u00a0 He still could not determine what the image was that the tiny pieces were supposed to make once they had been put into their proper position.\u00a0 The rabid gerbils that currently inhabited his stomach calmed a bit when he saw his wife approaching the podium alongside her uncle.<\/p>\n
Uncle Sebastian had always been considered a pariah in Brannigan and he wore this small-town judgment proudly like a crown.<\/p>\n
\u201cScrew \u2018em,\u201d he always said.\u00a0 \u201cIf I want to be like those cow-humpin\u2019-corn-suckers I would burn all my books and plant my ass on a tractor.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sebastian was never one to keep his thoughts to himself, but in the past few years he had stopped speaking.\u00a0 It was as though his voice was a mom-and-pop store in a run-down neighborhood, boarding up its doors forever.\u00a0 All he did now was read book after book about space travel.\u00a0 The idea of flying through the cosmos had always fascinated him.\u00a0 Everyone in Carli\u2019s family always assumed it was because of his disdain for Earth and everyone on it.\u00a0 He collected every newspaper article he could about America\u2019s first moon landing and hung it on his office wall; in fact, it was on July 27th<\/sup>, 1969 one week after the moon landing, that he was commissioned by the town to build the world\u2019s largest jigsaw puzzle.\u00a0 Sebastian was a master toy maker and specialized in puzzles; while the town desperately needed some kind of attraction to get tourists into Brannigan.\u00a0 It seemed like the perfect match.\u00a0 Five years later, Sebastian completed his magnum opus.\u00a0 A 1,000,000,001 piece puzzle that was exactly the length of the open land on the outskirts of the town; and now, nearly thirty years after its creation, it was complete.<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019s he doing?\u201d Cal whispered to his wife.<\/p>\n \u201cI dunno, silent Sally still won\u2019t say a damn thing,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t understand, he was always flapping his gums when I was a kid.\u00a0 Ah, damn it!\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry honey; I just can\u2019t keep my cool.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s really alright, dear.\u00a0 Once today is over I think things will get a lot easier for us.\u201d<\/p>\n Cal loved his wife; some would say in spite of her rage fueled outbursts, but it was rather because of them that he fell in love with her.\u00a0 The two of them were like the two halves of a black and white cookie; unimpressive separately, but once you put them together, they created something perfect. Cal was the president of the Indifference Society.\u00a0 The majority of their meetings were spent discussing what they should do that week, but Cal always made sure that meeting time was always set aside for Carli, who came to their meetings in the hopes of recruiting more people for her next protest.\u00a0 Cal fell in love with the way her lips curled back when she snarled, and the way her small mole looked on her cheek when it reddened with fury.\u00a0 He went to all of her protests.\u00a0 It was on the day she punched out a cop to protect him while he was tied to a holly bush that he knew he was in love.\u00a0 Cal asked her to be his campaign manager for his bid at the class presidency, and thanks to her ingenious smear tactics he won by a landslide and finally gained the courage to ask her on a date.\u00a0 She said yes. A few charitable claps were given to the mayor as the final piece was dropped into its destined position with a click.<\/p>\n \u201cOh my God,\u201d Cal said, \u201coh my God, ohmyGodohmyGod.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShut up, honey,\u201d Carli said.<\/p>\n Cal spotted the jet plane a few short miles from the puzzle; he clapped his sweaty palms together in anticipation and turned on the walkie-talkie he had strapped to his belt.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is Mayor Cal Jansen,\u201d he said as the black square croaked with feedback, \u201care you in position?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRoger that, Mr. Mayor, I am in position,\u201d the pilot replied.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, what do you see?\u201d<\/p>\n Cal proudly held the walkie-talkie up to the microphone so the rest of Brannigan could share in this moment.<\/p>\n \u201cWell\u2026 uh\u2026 it looks to be\u2026 some kind of\u2026 some kind of phallus.\u201d<\/p>\n Cal gripped the podium tightly; the rapid gerbils had taken hold of his stomach with ruthless aggression and were spreading to his entire body.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m pretty sure it\u2019s a big penis, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n Sebastian began to laugh hysterically like a man whose sanity was slowly slipping away.\u00a0 He made no attempt to hide his laughter at his nephew-in-law\u2019s expense; his wrinkled hands clapped together as he watched the townspeople growing angrier and angrier.\u00a0 Cal threw the walkie-talkie onto the ground and looked the old man in his face, which was contorted from the swells of laughter that seemed unending.<\/p>\n \u201cYou spent taxpayer money to make a giant puzzle with the image of A PENIS?\u201d Cal screamed. \u201cI think it\u2019s kinda funny,\u201d she replied with a smirk.<\/p>\n The townspeople of Brannigan had had enough.\u00a0 With their weapons ready they rushed the puzzle in unison, all of their anger, frustration, and embarrassment being channeled into the burning light at the ends of their bargain priced torches.\u00a0 Sebastian\u2019s laughter was silenced by the sight of swift revenge heading for his masterpiece.\u00a0 He bolted down the grandstand\u2019s steps to throw himself in front of the wave of bodies that was about to come crashing down; if they were going to destroy his work, they would have to destroy him too.\u00a0 Sebastian thought about the exhausting evenings he spent working until the sun rose to cut each individual piece of the puzzle.\u00a0 There were beads of sweat dripping down his face as he stared into the angry eyes of Brannigan\u2019s citizens; they did not understand his masterpiece, despite the fact that he hoped they would.<\/p>\n At that moment, a black limousine came barreling down the dirt road that ran parallel to the puzzle\u2019s vertical edge.\u00a0 The limo, shining like spilled oil, stopped directly between Sebastian and the mob.\u00a0 Everything was still except for the miniature American flag attached to the car\u2019s radio antennae, which was flapping violently in the mid-afternoon breeze.\u00a0 The flag\u2019s presence seemed to suggest that the car ran purely on America\u2019s can-do spirit.\u00a0 The silence was finally broken by the clicking of the limo\u2019s back door opening.\u00a0 A large man in a blue military uniform stepped out and gave a mini salute to the tiny antennae flag.\u00a0 If his body type had to be compared to a polygon, it would be a square; two squares to be exact, one large one for the body and a tiny one sitting on top for the head.<\/p>\n \u201cHi there, folks, sorry to stop you in the middle of what appeared to be an ol\u2019 fashioned mob scene.\u00a0 My name is Colonel G.T. Watts and I\u2019m looking for a Mr. Sebastian.\u201d<\/p>\n Sebastian slowly raised his hand and stepped forward.<\/p>\n \u201cSebastian, I\u2019m Colonel Watts, damn good to meet you,\u201d said the man, shaking Sebastian\u2019s frail hand.\u00a0 \u201cThe NASA boys noticed your little project here on one of their satellites a few months back, but we wanted to wait until the grand unveiling before we came to see ya.\u201d<\/p>\n Cal tried to intervene, still under the pretenses that he was standing beside a mural of a giant penis, in the hopes of saving his political career.<\/p>\n \u201cColonel Watts,\u201d he said, \u201cI am so sorry about all of this; we\u2019ll have it taken apart immediately.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo harm done,\u201d Colonel Watts said, with a hard smack to Cal\u2019s shoulder, and returned to speaking to Sebastian.\u00a0 \u201cAs for you, sir, I want to tell you that I\u2019ve worked with NASA for a few years now.\u00a0 I\u2019ve circled this little blue ball of ours more times than I can count and I came here to tell you that you\u2019re absolutely right.\u201d<\/p>\n Colonel Watts pointed to the puzzle as he said this.\u00a0 Sebastian\u2019s eyes filled with tears as he finally broke his years of silence.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI knew, that if you just took a step back and looked at it\u2026 all the pieces would make something great.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think the show is over, folks,\u201d Colonel Watts shouted at the slowly calming mob.\u00a0 \u201cIf you gotta burn something down, try the motel I stayed at off the highway!\u00a0 They didn\u2019t give me fresh towels this morning!\u201d \u201cIt really is incredible, ain\u2019t it?\u201d the Colonel asked Cal.<\/p>\n \u201cI suppose,\u201d Cal said.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve seen and done a lot of things in my lifetime,\u201d the Colonel said.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve flown at the speed of sound, I\u2019ve seen the Earth from the Heavens, I overthrew the kingdom of the Radioactive Moon Chimps\u2026\u00a0 Whoops, I\u2019m technically not supposed to talk about that last one.\u201d<\/p>\n The Colonel chuckled to himself and went on.<\/p>\n \u201cThe point is, it\u2019s this kind of thing that really stands above the rest.\u00a0 An example of the things a person can accomplish when he just puts his mind to it.\u00a0 It\u2019s the only reason I\u2019ve ever been able to fly anything, because someone simply thought humankind could do it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo\u2026\u201d Cal said, \u201cit\u2019s not a penis?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, no, no, it\u2019s nothing like that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo what is it?\u201d<\/p>\n Colonel Watts looked at Sebastian.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a message,\u201d Sebastian said. Their most popular item is a miniature recreation of the world\u2019s largest puzzle.\u00a0 Once it is completed, you can view the message that was originally intended only for the eyes of those who were miles above the Earth\u2019s stratosphere.<\/p>\n It reads:<\/p>\n IT\u2019S BEAUTIFUL FROM UP THERE, ISN\u2019T IT? by Brian Long \u201cThe World\u2019s Largest Jigsaw Puzzle is a Bitch to Solve.\u201d This was the headline smeared across the front page of Nebraska\u2019s largest newspaper, like a bold font slap in the mouth.\u00a0 Brannigan, Nebraska, which was hailed as … Continue reading
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\nIn college, Carli was the president of the university\u2019s Cause of the Week Club which protested on behalf of a different organization each week, regardless of whether or not this meant supporting conflicting ideologies.\u00a0 In the span of one month they protested on behalf of the Vegans of America Group, the Meat Packing Labor Union, Mothers Infuriated by Lazy Kids (or MILK), and Nobody Asked You Mom, Now Leave Me Alone So I Can Play My Video Games, I\u2019ll Get A Job Tomorrow (or NAYMNLMASICPMVGIGAJT).\u00a0 The club gave Carli the perfect outlet for her pent-up rage.\u00a0 She could yell, threaten, burn effigies, and make signs that had both a social message, and some kind of pun.<\/p>\n
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\n\u201cI want to thank everyone for coming today,\u201d Cal said into the microphone.\u00a0 \u201cThe last puzzle piece is being put into place now and then one of the brave pilots from Fort Ramrod will be flying over to tell us just what exactly is on the puzzle!\u00a0 Yeah!\u201d<\/p>\n
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\nThe puzzle didn\u2019t actually contain an image of a penis.\u00a0 The pilot, Jack Trubee, had been seeing penises everywhere lately.\u00a0 These phallic phantoms were the product of his repressed sexual desire for Ring Pops and his recent completion of a community college course on psychological literary analysis.
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\n\u201cHow are you not more upset about this?\u201d Cal asked his wife.<\/p>\n
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\nAfter the crowd had gone their separate ways, Cal and Colonel Watts were left alone with the puzzle.<\/p>\n
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\nA few weeks later, Sebastian passed away.\u00a0 He died peacefully and without pain, the doctors said.\u00a0 A short month after what became known as the Brannigan Puzzle Panic of 2010, Cal retired from the political game and opened up the Uncle Sebastian Memorial Gift Shop right next to Sebastian\u2019s masterpiece.<\/p>\n
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\nBRIAN LONG<\/strong> runs the streets of New Jersey with a gang of literary street toughs known as The Broad Set: www.thebroadset.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"