by Leah Petersen
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\nIt really does look like a penis.<\/p>\n
I read about that somewhere, that the steeples on churches are phallic symbols.<\/p>\n
Now I don\u2019t spend a lot of time sitting around analyzing church steeples, but I\u2019m parked outside a church with nothing much to do.<\/p>\n
And, yeah, when you really look at it, it does look like a penis.\u00a0 Not as long as you think it should be, with a little mushroom-cap top.\u00a0 I wonder if the people inside realize their building looks like it has a hard-on?<\/p>\n
Why people want to spend a beautiful day like this inside the penis building I can\u2019t figure out.<\/p>\n
Then again, that God stuff\u2019s pretty important, if you believe it.\u00a0 I suppose if I thought my ass was going to roast forever if I didn\u2019t waste my weekend morning sitting under a giant dick then I\u2019d be in there too.<\/p>\n
I mean, I know my ass would get kicked out of my apartment if I didn\u2019t waste my weekdays sitting at work.\u00a0 Must be the same sort of thing.<\/p>\n
And here I am wasting my morning sitting in the car.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got the windows rolled down, so there is that.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been sitting here long, and it\u2019s almost time for the people to come dripping out the front door.<\/p>\n
Teddy\u2019s being patient too, so I don\u2019t have a screaming kid to deal with.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s a good kid.\u00a0 I told my sister she was being a real bitch giving the poor kid a name like that.\u00a0 She trotted out the whole carry on the family name bullshit.\u00a0 Well that\u2019s all fine and good if you\u2019re completely wrapped up in yourself like ol\u2019 Theodore.\u00a0 But you\u2019d think having lived with a dumbass name for thirty five years you\u2019d know better than to give it to a kid you supposedly cared about.<\/p>\n
They could at least call him Theo.\u00a0 I tried calling him that but he\u2019d look at me like he didn\u2019t know who the hell I was talking to — makes sense — so I call the poor bastard Teddy.\u00a0 When he gets older I\u2019ll explain to him that he has a dumbass name and that\u2019s why I call him Theo.<\/p>\n
Anyway, my sister was more than happy to lend him to me this morning.\u00a0 Not that she knows what I want him for.\u00a0 She\u2019s just happy to get a break from the barfing.\u00a0 Teddy loves to tag her as soon as she\u2019s got a new shirt on.\u00a0 He never barfs on me.\u00a0 Damn smart kid.<\/p>\n
So I\u2019m out here \u2018cause I\u2019m playing a trick on Martha\u2019s ex, Doug.\u00a0 He\u2019s the preacher in yonder penis building.\u00a0 Apparently some of them are allowed to do that sort of thing.\u00a0 Date, I mean.\u00a0 But no sex.<\/p>\n
So why Martha was with him in the first place I\u2019ll never understand.\u00a0 She\u2019s always been in a guy\u2019s pants faster than he can say \u201cHey, baby.\u201d\u00a0 She says preacher-man let her in there but he wouldn\u2019t go in there if you catch my drift.<\/p>\n
Anyway, he dumped her.\u00a0 Probably because he had blue balls with all her groping, but Martha says she was in love with him and she was willing to wait — she\u2019s not the one who has to deal with the permanent erection — but he dumped her and she wants to pay him back.<\/p>\n
Good enough for me.<\/p>\n
OK, doors opening, people dribbling out — and yes that\u2019s what I\u2019m trying to make you think of — that\u2019s my cue.<\/p>\n
Teddy\u2019s playing with the dirt in the floorboard of my car but he\u2019s happy enough to come along when I pick him up.\u00a0 And he\u2019s pretty damn cute so he\u2019s a good partner in crime for something like this.<\/p>\n
I stomp toward the building, trying to look pissed off.\u00a0 Teddy\u2019s giggling \u2018cause it\u2019s bouncing him up and down but I figure that\u2019s a good thing.<\/p>\n
Now I\u2019ve never met this Doug — I know Martha\u2019s my best friend but they only dated two weeks and it\u2019s not like I\u2019m up her butt all the time — but he\u2019s supposed to be easy to pick out, wearing one of those collar things.<\/p>\n
So that must be him.\u00a0 Hmmm, not bad looking.\u00a0 Still.<\/p>\n
I stop dead in front of him and plop Teddy right into his arms as he\u2019s going to shake hands with this really old man.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s your weekend, Doug, can\u2019t you at least take your own son ONE weekend a month?\u201d<\/p>\n
I figure it\u2019s polite not to cuss in front of old people at church.<\/p>\n
Dougie\u2019s white as a sheet.\u00a0 Ha!\u00a0 I knew this would be fun.<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me, I don\u2019t know you and this is not my child.\u201d\u00a0 He looks around at the growing crowd.\u00a0 \u201cNot that he isn\u2019t a lovely child.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure you\u2019re very proud of him, Miss, but I\u2019m afraid you\u2019re mistaken.\u201d<\/p>\n
He must have figured the nicey-nicey bit would make him look better.<\/p>\n
So I start crying.\u00a0 I can do that.\u00a0 It\u2019s a useful trick.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow can you say that?\u00a0 And in front of God!\u201d\u00a0 I wave my hand in the direction of the huge wanker.<\/p>\n
\u201cMiss, please, if we could talk about this elsewhere?\u201d<\/p>\n
Teddy doesn\u2019t look so good.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo!\u00a0 We have nothing to talk about!\u00a0 You\u2019re a heartless bastard and I never want to see you again!\u00a0 We\u2019ll be just fine without you!\u201d<\/p>\n
And Teddy ralphs all over the guy\u2019s suit.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s nasty too.\u00a0 Chunks of the cheese puffs I let him have in the car, mixed with formula.\u00a0 Oh, man, I want to laugh so bad but I can\u2019t ruin Teddy\u2019s moment of genius.<\/p>\n
I jerk Teddy out of Dougie\u2019s grip and stomp away.<\/p>\n
\u201cServes you right!\u201d<\/p>\n
When we get back in the car I give Teddy a high five.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing or anything, but he grins at me and he\u2019s still got nasty little barf chunks all over his chin.<\/p>\n
The kid\u2019s got potential.\u00a0 Yep, definitely a Theo. by Leah Petersen It really does look like a penis. I read about that somewhere, that the steeples on churches are phallic symbols. Now I don\u2019t spend a lot of time sitting around analyzing church steeples, but I\u2019m parked outside … Continue reading
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\nLEAH PETERSEN<\/strong> lives and writes in North Carolina when she can get some time away from her day job and her husband and two children. Rather than waste her life getting fresh air and sunshine, spending time with family and friends, or pursuing an actual career, she reads and writes. Her first novel, MOURN THE SUN, a sci-fi love story, decided it needed to be written and Leah obligingly took dictation. She is now seeking publication of said bossy novel. Leah runs a Five Minute Fiction Challenge each Tuesday at 1:30pm EST on her website, www.leahpetersen.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"