Charlie Harmon<\/p>\n
You ever hear the story of how Fox tricked Tiger into thinking he was the King of the Beasts? Well, one day Fox was taking a midday stroll through the forest, cigarette dangling precariously from the end of his snout, white-tipped tail swishing at a jaunty angle, when he heard a branch snap not five feet behind him. He paused long enough to TAP TAP TAP the ash from the end of his cigarette and turned to find that he had a close-up view of what might well have been thousands of jagged teeth, accompanied by a low, rumbling growl of the type that has made more than a few of the forest\u2019s denizens mess their trousers. Not Fox, though. He was slicker than Mother Goose\u2019s shit and he knew that no good had ever come from showing fear to a predator.<\/p>\n
\u201cHail and well met, Tiger!\u201d he said, bowing deep enough that the tip of his tail stopped just above the ground in front of him. \u201cI\u2019m afraid I didn\u2019t think to carry any breath mints today, but if you — \u201d<\/p>\n
And just like that Fox was flat on his back, pinned beneath an enormous, striped paw, with only his head and tail free and clear. He had, however, managed to keep the cigarette in his mouth, which is an impressive feat if you think about it.<\/p>\n
Tiger\u2019s wide, flat face rose into view over the paw. He bared his teeth again, and Fox tilted his head to the side just in time to avoid most of a drop of tiger spit big enough to put out a small fire. Tiger just stared down at him for a moment, yellow eyes deep and impassive.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wonder if you\u2019ll be as funny, Fox, after I\u2019ve shat you back out,\u201d Tiger said, and his voice was deep and rumbly enough that it tickled Fox\u2019s ears. Tiger hated each and every one of the creatures of the forest and the kingdom beyond, but he hated the clever ones the most, and there was not a one more clever than Fox.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhile I\u2019d never underestimate,\u201d Fox said through gritted teeth, wriggling like a worm on a hot sidewalk, \u201cthe comedic potential of dung . . . \u201d He leaned his head forward, just enough to crush the burning tip of his cigarette into the soft, downy skin between Tiger\u2019s toes. Tiger leaped about a hundred feet in the air, letting out a yowl that would have broken glass if there\u2019d been any nearby, but he landed on his feet, like always. Fox, meanwhile, was brushing dust and dirt from his fur. \u201cThat\u2019s much<\/i> better!\u201d He took his tail in both paws and held it up to his face, looking for dirt. \u201cNow, as I was saying,\u201d he licked the pad of a paw and rubbed at a grass stain, \u201cyou\u2019re not going to eat me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tiger, who was sitting on his haunches, spreading his toes to squint the tiny burn, stopped to look at Fox. \u201cAnd why is that, do you think?\u201d He bared his teeth again, as his face was not terribly expressive. \u201cBecause I would tend to disagree.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, Tiger,\u201d Fox said, dropping his tail and placing his paws where a waist might have been. \u201cI sometimes forget that no one ever talks to you because you\u2019re such a terrible bore — \u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause they fear<\/i> me,\u201d Tiger said, because deep down it did <\/i>bother him that none of the other animals liked him, though it never occurred to him to stop trying to eat them.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d Fox said with a condescending nod, \u201c\u2018fear.\u2019 Anyway, that\u2019s why you haven\u2019t heard the news. I\u2019m King of the Beasts now! All the beastly denizens of the forest, not to mention the kingdom beyond, are now my subjects. They fear my wrath, as should you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tiger had a lot of things to recommend him — his strength, his speed, his ability to digest almost anything he swallowed — but he was, bar none, the most gullible creature in the forest. He was also the second dumbest, after Sloth. \u201cWait, seriously?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll tell you what,\u201d Fox said. \u201cI really shouldn\u2019t have to, but I\u2019ve always liked you — \u201d Tiger nodded at that blatant lie, because like I said, he was a dummy. \u201c — so here\u2019s what I\u2019ll do. I\u2019ll follow the path in the same direction I was going, and you follow from as close or as far back as you like. If the first three creatures we encounter don\u2019t flee in terror at the sight of me, well,\u201d he sighed, \u201cI\u2019ll let you devour me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tiger\u2019s eyes narrowed suspiciously, and he thought about the offer for a good long while, not realizing that he\u2019d lost the game the moment he allowed Fox to talk to him. He looked at Fox, looked down the path, and looked at Fox again. \u201cPromise?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
Fox resumed his stroll through the forest with Tiger stalking through the trees behind him, drifting from one side to the other and back again. Tiger did his best to keep out of sight, but not only was he the size of Old Mother Hubbard\u2019s Cadillac, he was orange.<\/p>\n
After a bit of walking, they came upon a big, thick log, upon which a roughly man-shaped creature was seated. It was covered in thick, coarse hair and beard, so long and intertwined that it was unclear where one ended and the other began. It looked like nothing more than a tumbleweed with pale, skinny arms and legs sticking out of it. It had a pair of boots much too big for its skinny little feet, made of strips of banded metal, one of which it was wearing and one of which was on the log next to it. Its bare foot was also propped up on the log, and it was doing its best to trim jagged, yellow toenails with a potato peeler.<\/p>\n
\u201cA pleasant day to you, my good goblin,\u201d said Fox with a small bow. \u201cI don\u2019t want to discourage an impulse towards grooming, but I believe you may be doing that wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
The goblin looked up, shrieked, and fell backward off the log, all at roughly the same time. It was up in a flash, and it didn\u2019t even bother trying to run, not with that big, iron boot on its foot. It held the boot in its hands like a package and hopped on the bare foot, and with such speed that a passerby might be forgiven for thinking that that was its preferred method of travel.<\/p>\n
\u201cSee?\u201d Fox said, turning toward the forest behind him with his arms extended.<\/p>\n
\u201cGoblins are cowards,\u201d Tiger said from behind a young maple. \u201cThat doesn\u2019t prove anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
After only a few more minutes, they ran into a group of short, stout men in grimy coveralls and miner\u2019s helmets crowded around a transparent, crystal coffin with a young woman in it. One of them stood at the coffin\u2019s head.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve done everything we could, men,\u201d he said. \u201cWe\u2019ve tried shaking her, we\u2019ve tried shouting at her, we\u2019ve tried throwing cold water in her face — \u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI drew a mustache on her!\u201d said one of the others. \u201cDER-HAW!\u201d<\/p>\n
The leader glared at him for a moment, then sighed. \u201cYes, thank you, Marbles. That was fine work. The point is,\u201d he went on, managing to give the impression he was addressing everyone except Marbles, \u201cwe\u2019ve exhausted our options. There\u2019s only one thing left to do.\u201d He pulled something out of one of his pockets. \u201cWe\u2019ve got to drive this wooden stake right through — \u201d<\/p>\n
Fox, who had pointedly cleared his throat a few times, gave up and said, \u201cAhem.\u201d<\/p>\n
The little men turned as one, and then the leader said, \u201cSCATTER!\u201d<\/p>\n
There was a momentary flurry of panicked shouting and tiny, flailing limbs — one of the little men said, \u201cBut what about the princess?\u201d and another cried, \u201cShe might as well be dead already!\u201d — and then they were gone.<\/p>\n
Again, Fox turned back. \u201cMust we really see this exercise through to its inevitable conclusion?\u201d<\/p>\n
Tiger, who was doing his best to blend in with a circle of toadstools, said, \u201cWe agreed to three. Keep walking.\u201d<\/p>\n
Some time later, Fox heard a couple of high, piping voices and stepped into a large clearing that looked like it had been hit by a tornado. Straw was scattered everywhere, and a pig in overalls was using a push-broom to sweep it into piles. Another pig in an apron was wearing work gloves and collecting things from the ground — shards of glass and dishes, scraps of linen, what looked like a broken television antenna — and tossing them into heavy-duty garbage bags.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just saying,\u201d said the pig in the overalls. \u201cIt seems like too much of a coincidence.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cListen, man,\u201d said the one in the apron, \u201cI love Iggy as much as you do — he\u2019s our baby brother — but he\u2019s also an unreliable piece of shit. I mean, who builds a house out of straw?\u201d He dropped half a dinner plate into his bag with a clink. \u201cHe\u2019s gonna show up in a few months looking for the insurance money.\u201d Another broken plate, another clink. \u201cAnd then he\u2019s gonna blow it all on truffles.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSeriously, Ziggy,\u201d the sweeping pig said. \u201cA big, bad wolf starts stalking all three of us — a wolf who speaks exclusively in rhyming verse, by the way, so you know he\u2019s deeply disturbed — and the very next day Iggy disappears?\u201d He stopped and leaned on the broom handle. \u201cThat doesn\u2019t seem like suspicious timing to you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat mangy wolf with the lazy eye did all this? What, did he blow<\/i> the house down?\u201d The pig made a jerk-off gesture with its hoof. \u201cIggy probably paid him to — \u201d<\/p>\n
Fox, who had been quietly approaching them, cleared his throat. They both looked toward him. \u201cGentlemen,\u201d he said. \u201cIt\u2019s me.\u201d<\/p>\n
The pigs just stared for a moment, glassy-eyed, then took off sprinting in opposite directions. After a few seconds, the one in the overalls darted back the other way, following his brother, running so fast his feet barely touched the ground.<\/p>\n
Fox waited until they had cleared his line of sight, then turned, raised his arms to his sides, and said, \u201cEh?\u201d<\/p>\n
A minute later, having sent Tiger on his way by royal decree, Fox lit a fresh cigarette and started walking again. If there was a bit more spring in his step and a bit more swish in his tail, who could blame him? When he finally caught up to the two little pigs — and they had run a long way — the one in the overalls was hunched over, hooves on knees, spitting and dry heaving. The one in the apron was lying on his back in the grass, gasping for air. They glanced at Fox as he passed them, and he tipped an imaginary hat in their direction. A wicked grin split his face as he heard, just before moving out of earshot, the pig on the ground pant, \u201cDid you see the size of that fucking tiger?\u201d<\/p>\n
CHARLIE HARMON<\/b> has spent his entire life in and around Chicago. After stints as a barista, receptionist, camp counselor, and barcode salesman, he made the decision to return to college, and is now an MFA student in Columbia College Chicago\u2019s Department of Creative Writing and recipient of the Follett Graduate Merit Award, if that\u2019s the kind of thing that impresses you. He has been published in Prairie Voices<\/i>, Kittenpants.org<\/i>, and Columbia\u2019s Story Week Reader<\/i>. He lives with his parents, because MFAs don\u2019t grow on trees.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Charlie Harmon You ever hear the story of how Fox tricked Tiger into thinking he was the King of the Beasts? Well, one day Fox was taking a midday stroll through the forest, cigarette dangling precariously from the end of … Continue reading