Alex Munkacsy<\/p>\n
On his way across Anderville Bridge, a traveler stumbled over an egg. Sunlight pierced its pitted, translucent surface.<\/p>\n
The traveler turned the warm, grey, gelatinous egg around in his hands. His foot had dented it. There was something bony and sharp inside, so he held it up to the sun. In the center, the traveler saw a pointy chin and a crooked nose. A small mouth cracked open, yawning.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are you<\/i> going?\u201d it said.<\/p>\n
The bony face shifting around in the egg\u2019s jelly reminded the traveler of dung worms slithering across dirty pans underneath lukewarm water. The traveler sucked air and held it in his lungs. Years of washing dishes in seedy taverns had hardened his nerves.<\/p>\n
\u201cI — I\u2019m going to the next town for work,\u201d the traveler said. The egg squirmed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a job for you,\u201d it said. \u201cIf you are interested.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d the traveler replied. \u201cI don\u2019t know what kind of thing you are. But you seem dangerous. I\u2019ll just check the next town.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou will not find work there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you<\/i> seem dangerous,\u201d the egg said, grinning. \u201cAnd nobody knows what kind of thing you<\/i> are.\u201d<\/p>\n
The traveler fidgeted.<\/p>\n
\u201cI suppose that\u2019s true, in a way,\u201d he said. \u201cBecause they don\u2019t know me. But you\u2019re a disgusting egg. I\u2019m a person.\u201d<\/p>\n
The egg sniggered.<\/p>\n
\u201cA person, all right. A greasy, disgusting person.\u201d Its pointy nose twitched. \u201cYou\u2019ve been fooling with trash. Digging for food. Haven\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n
The traveler frowned. The egg smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho am I to judge? You\u2019re trash. I\u2019m fooling with you because I\u2019m digging for food.\u201d The egg yawned again. \u201cAnyway, since you are the kind of trash that can walk, you might as well carry me to the next town. I\u2019m tired of eating the sun.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe sun? But — what else do you eat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople. Clean people! Not like you. Now take me to the next town before I lower my standards.\u201d<\/p>\n
The traveler shoved the egg under one arm and plodded on to Anderville. He\u2019d never been, but he knew places like it. Just another rat hole.<\/p>\n
From the top of a grassy hill the traveler sighed and surveyed Anderville. Like most castles, Castle Anderville was really just a big shack. The villagers lived in smaller \u201clean-to\u201d shacks propped up against the castle. Everyone thought that the town would collapse if the peasants didn\u2019t lean their shacks against the castle walls, but the opposite was true.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho dares approach the throne?\u201d the King of Anderville demanded as the traveler approached the rocking chair. A paper lantern flickered overhead, dangling from the low ceiling.<\/p>\n
\u201cA traveler. I\u2019m here to request an audience.\u201d<\/p>\n
The king wore a purple sackcloth bathrobe. His dripping wet hair was slicked over his bald spot.<\/p>\n
\u201cReally? Well — that\u2019s flattering.\u201d The king rocked back. He kicked his feet in the air, revealing a pair of smooth, pale calves. Then he rocked forward, flicking water into the traveler\u2019s face. He arched a fuzzy eyebrow, causing his monocle to pop out.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmmph. But. You appear to be poor. Dirty. Unshaven!<\/i>\u201d The monocle swung under the king\u2019s frowning face like the pendulum of a grandfather clock. \u201cNope, sorry. Go away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWait,\u201d the traveler said. \u201cI found something valuable. I\u2019ll sell it, if you let me work.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shadows danced on the particle-board walls. <\/i>The King smelled of peppermint shaving cream.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, now you\u2019re talking. Let\u2019s have a look-see. If you\u2019ve got something, I\u2019ll let cross-eyed Ordolf find something stupid for you to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
The traveler presented the egg. The king extended a pruned hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cGive it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The king turned the egg beneath the paper lantern.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmm. Mmmmhmmm, hmm — wait. N-no.\u201d<\/p>\n
The egg squirmed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou fool!\u201d<\/p>\n
He hurled the egg at the wall. It split in half and translucent goop oozed, gathered and formed into a thick, grey slug. It curled, like a half-baked cinnamon roll.<\/p>\n
\u201cBang pots. Pans. Go get — somebody,\u201d the king said, rising. \u201cWake up everyone! Do somethi — \u201d<\/p>\n
The slug torpedoed off the wall into the king\u2019s shouting face and shivered down his throat. The traveler bolted out of the castle but when he returned with help, nothing was left of the king except an oily stain. The slug was gone.<\/p>\n
\u201cWelp. You seem smart enuff,\u201d said cross-eyed Ordolf, plopping a chicken bone crown on the traveler\u2019s head. \u201cAll hail the new King of Anderville!\u201d<\/p>\n
Anderville grew rich under the reign of the traveler. He ordered the villagers to harvest wild grapes and showed them how to make wine. What the town of Anderville couldn\u2019t drink, they sold.<\/p>\n
All the villagers agreed that the traveler was the wisest and cleanest king that Anderville had ever had. Years passed and the traveler lounged in his enormous bathtub, sipping wine. Word spread about the \u201cGreat Grape King.\u201d Each time an attractive woman passed through Anderville, the traveler married her and extended the rickety castle. After the castle quadrupled in length the citizens of Anderville started calling it \u201cWife Castle.\u201d<\/p>\n
One night, the traveler was lounging in the tub with seven of his wives. They began to sing: <\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cOh the big fish slicked all the li\u2019l ol\u2019 fish,<\/i><\/p>\n
an\u2019 the fish got squished in the big fish dish.<\/i><\/p>\n
And the fish they drank and they ate and they kissed,<\/i><\/p>\n
While the time ticked by on the watches on their wrists.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cJolly good,\u201d the traveler said, clapping. He sipped wine, burped.<\/p>\n
Under the water, something slimy slithered across the traveler\u2019s thigh. He yelped and jumped out of the tub.<\/p>\n
\u201cClumsy traveler,\u201d the wives said in unison. Grey mucus bubbled from their nostrils. \u201cRemember me?\u201d<\/p>\n
The wives\u2019 eyes were ashen, swirling clouds. The king\u2019s trembling wine bottle slipped from his pruned hand and smashed on the ground.<\/p>\n
The seven wives yawned simultaneously. One extended a long forked tongue and licked the wooden floor. They began to chant:<\/p>\n
\u201cGarbage picker, garbage licker. Clumsy and so rude.<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cGarbage picker, garbage licker. Brought me all this food.\u201d <\/i><\/p>\n
ALEX MUNKACSY<\/b> is a writer and a photographer from Honolulu, Hawaii. Find him online at alexmunkacsy.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Alex Munkacsy On his way across Anderville Bridge, a traveler stumbled over an egg. Sunlight pierced its pitted, translucent surface. The traveler turned the warm, grey, gelatinous egg around in his hands. His foot had dented it. There was something … Continue reading