{"id":550,"date":"2010-09-28T01:19:44","date_gmt":"2010-09-28T05:19:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=550"},"modified":"2010-09-28T01:19:44","modified_gmt":"2010-09-28T05:19:44","slug":"the-athlete","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/?page_id=550","title":{"rendered":"The Athlete"},"content":{"rendered":"

by William Farrant
\n
<\/br>
\nAll Cameras standby. \u00a0Sound Crew, ready? \u00a0Steve, run the opening sequence of triumphant classical music set against a backdrop of snow capped mountains intertwined with historical looking footage of the Greek God Mercury running around an Athenian track. \u00a0And five, four, three, two, one, bring in Camera One of our hosts, Steve\u2026 and action.<\/em><\/p>\n

Good morning everyone, I\u2019m Bob Pachorelli and this is Marie Vander Staadt and welcome to the Program. \u00a0Today we will see the Athlete compete against a Typical Day. \u00a0It should be an intense competition, Marie.<\/p>\n

Yes, Bob, the Athlete has a tough series of events ahead of him. \u00a0Some he excels at and others will test all of his mental faculties. \u00a0It looks like the action is about to begin, so let\u2019s head to the first event of the day, Waking Up.<\/p>\n

Steve, bring in Camera two, and\u2026 now.<\/em><\/p>\n

It looks like the Athlete is waking up, Marie. \u00a0He\u2019s rubbing his eyes. \u00a0He doesn\u2019t look quite with it. \u00a0Is he up before 9:30? \u00a0Yes, he is, it\u2019s 9:07! \u00a0This is amazing! \u00a0It\u2019s Monday and he\u2019s up before 9:30! \u00a0What could his next move be, Marie?<\/p>\n

It looks like he\u2019s rolled over and turned on his laptop. \u00a0He\u2019s checking his email. \u00a0It looks empty, Bob.<\/p>\n

And he\u2019s out of bed now and he\u2019s gone down the hallway. \u00a0Rounding the corner, to the chair, sitting. \u00a0If he keeps this up it would be an extraordinary beginning to the day, Marie.<\/p>\n

Yes, Bob, it\u2019s a really promising start. \u00a0He\u2019s shuffled some papers, picked up a pen, and now\u2026 he\u2019s put it down\u2026\u00a0 and\u2026 oh, no, what is he doing? \u00a0He\u2019s left the desk and he\u2019s going back down the hallway.<\/p>\n

Maybe he\u2019s going to put his pants on, Marie!<\/p>\n

No, no, he\u2019s crawled back into bed, Bob, he\u2019s turned off the lights and\u2026 he\u2019s sleeping! \u00a0He\u2019s gone back to sleep! \u00a0This could have terrible implications for the next event, Doing Something Constructive During the Morning Hours!<\/p>\n

This is a dreadful start to the competition, Marie, but let\u2019s not cast judgment here, because as we know from the advanced scouting reports, he\u2019s never being very good at distance events.<\/p>\n

All Cameras zoom out. \u00a0Steve, cut to footage of past successes.<\/em><\/p>\n

Well, Bob, because the Athlete did not complete Waking Up and chose to go back to sleep instead, he\u2019s missed the second event, Doing Something Constructive During the Morning Hours and it has been subsequently cancelled with no possibility of a re-schedule.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s really a shame, Marie. \u00a0He\u2019s down two-nothing on the day and will need to win the remaining events to have any chance of victory.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s really up against it now, Bob.<\/p>\n

Steve, take us to commercial.<\/em><\/p>\n

And\u2026 we\u2019re back. \u00a0And ready for the next event, Marie. \u00a0He needs a good showing here for Making Lunch.<\/p>\n

He sure does, Bob.<\/p>\n

Steve, bring up Camera Four of the Athlete staring at the open fridge.<\/em><\/p>\n

The Athlete is at the cutting board now. \u00a0The meat is out. \u00a0It looks like Corned Beef today.<\/p>\n

Indeed, it is Corned Beef, Marie. \u00a0And the Athlete has his knife out.\u00a0 He\u2019s got the bread on the board. \u00a0He\u2019s swiping the mayo. \u00a0And just look at those smooth strokes!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s all in the wrist, Bob.\u00a0 He\u2019s unwrapping the Corned Beef now and he\u2019s putting it on the bread, one slice at a time. \u00a0Such precision!<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve just been informed, Marie, that the Athlete has run out of cheese. \u00a0But it doesn\u2019t seem to be affecting him. \u00a0He\u2019s adapting well, the sandwich is coming together, and now the bread is placed on top and\u2026 the sandwich is complete. \u00a0And, I don\u2019t believe it; he\u2019s added a handful of Sour Cream and Onion Chips on the side. \u00a0What a touch!<\/p>\n

This is unprecedented, Bob! \u00a0We never saw this one coming! \u00a0To the finale now, Bob, and there he goes, off to the table. \u00a0And he\u2019s sitting down, he\u2019s seated, and now we\u2019re waiting for the result and\u2026 yes, he\u2019s won, Bob. \u00a0He\u2019s made his lunch in a great time! \u00a0The Sour Cream and Onion Chips have impressed the judges with their added degree of difficulty and that has put him over the top and he has won Making Lunch.<\/p>\n

This is tremendous, Marie. \u00a0The Athlete has bounced back from his sluggish start in Waking Up, and from the cancellation of Doing Something Constructive During the Morning Hours. \u00a0This sets him up nicely for the afternoon events now. \u00a0He\u2019s put himself in a good position here; he\u2019s heading in the right direction.<\/p>\n

Sound Crew, fade in the optimistic choral ensemble.<\/em><\/p>\n

The crowd is growing, Marie. \u00a0It\u2019s getting crowded in the apartment now. \u00a0And here comes the Athlete for the next event, Reading. \u00a0He looks poised and focused. \u00a0Let\u2019s see what he can do.<\/p>\n

He knows the pressure is on, Bob. \u00a0He can\u2019t afford any slip-ups for the rest of the day. \u00a0You can really sense that the crowd is behind him.<\/p>\n

Camera Two, zoom in to the couch. \u00a0Camera Three, zoom out for an overview of the crowded apartment.<\/em><\/p>\n

The Athlete has picked up a book, Bob. \u00a0He\u2019s on the couch\u2026 and\u2026 he\u2019s reading. \u00a0He\u2019s flipping pages. \u00a0A good pace here.<\/p>\n

Yes, Marie, he\u2019s jumped into this event full steam ahead. \u00a0My only concern is that he burns himself out. \u00a0He needs to realize there are several pages to come.<\/p>\n

Right, Bob. \u00a0It looks like he\u2019s slowed a little. \u00a0No, wait, he\u2019s just re-reading a paragraph. \u00a0He\u2019s reading normally again now, he may lose a little time from the re-read, but it\u2019s a long book. \u00a0I don\u2019t think it will affect his final score.<\/p>\n

Camera One, pan to the crowd. \u00a0Find a child with a painted face and zoom in.<\/em><\/p>\n

He\u2019s still going, Marie. \u00a0He hasn\u2019t put the book down yet. \u00a0The big question is: can he finish the book before Tea? \u00a0It\u2019s going to be close.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s a trooper, Bob. \u00a0We know his weakness is the distance events but he seems buoyed by winning Making Lunch and it looks like he’s really sticking in there. \u00a0The pages keep flipping. \u00a0He hasn\u2019t put the book down once. \u00a0His eyes are focused. \u00a0He\u2019s fought off the urge to take a nap several times. \u00a0He just keeps going.<\/p>\n

Camera Two, zoom out. \u00a0And\u2026 cut to the short documentary about the Athlete\u2019s sister who has polio, Steve.<\/em><\/p>\n

And\u2026 bring us back, Steve. \u00a0Give us the image of the face-painted child from Camera One, and then take us to Camera Two, nice, nice\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

And he\u2019s done it! \u00a0He\u2019s finished the book before Tea, Marie! \u00a0He\u2019s clocked in at just over two hours! \u00a0This just might be a record! \u00a0We\u2019ll have to get the guys in the truck to verify this. \u00a0But nevertheless, he\u2019s come away a winner here!<\/p>\n

He\u2019s battled hard, Bob. \u00a0If he can put a run together for the evening events he still might end up as the Champion. \u00a0The score now stands: The Athlete Conducting His Life in a Positive Light, two, and The Athlete Showing a Lack of Discipline and Drive, two.<\/p>\n

***<\/div>\n

<\/br>
\nWell, Marie, that\u2019s two events in a row for the Athlete. \u00a0He\u2019s looking very strong right now, really relaxed.<\/p>\n

Yes, Bob, he\u2019s in fine form. \u00a0But this next event is a big one for him. \u00a0It requires a lot of concentration. \u00a0Let\u2019s see if he can find the courage to win Leaving the House to Run Errands.<\/p>\n

Camera Three, Camera Four, cue for the street scenes. \u00a0Steve, prepare the graphic of the route the Athlete will take, and ready\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

Well, Marie, it\u2019s about five p.m. local time and the Athlete is preparing to leave the house. \u00a0His coat his on. \u00a0His keys are in his hand.<\/p>\n

It looks like there is a delay here, Bob\u2026 he\u2019s retying his shoes.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to make sure the equipment is in working order, Marie.<\/p>\n

Right, Bob, this is a distance event. \u00a0Let\u2019s show our viewers the graphic of the course.<\/p>\n

And\u2026 bring up the Leaving the House to Run Errands graphic, Steve.<\/em><\/p>\n

He\u2019s going to start by walking to the Grocery Store to pick up a Pork Chop; then he\u2019s going to return a Movie and, at the same time, he\u2019s going to rent another Movie; once he leaves the Video Store, he\u2019s going to the Beer Store, where he will buy one can of Beer, then return home, thus completing the event.<\/p>\n

And he\u2019s off, Marie! \u00a0The door is locked and he\u2019s heading down the street. \u00a0He\u2019s at a good clip here. \u00a0There\u2019s a slight wind, but there are no pedestrians in sight.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s in the Grocery Store now\u2026 and he\u2019s stuck behind a trio of elderly people\u2026 but he finds an escape near the Produce Department and it\u2019s clear sailing now. \u00a0That was close, Bob!<\/p>\n

Another near disaster, Marie! \u00a0There is a man the Athlete knows filling out a lottery ticket. \u00a0What\u2019s he going to do about this? \u00a0Oh, he\u2019s done well, Marie, he\u2019s lowered his head and gone down a different aisle. \u00a0And it looks like he\u2019s picked up Toothpaste. \u00a0This wasn\u2019t in the cards, Marie. \u00a0I can\u2019t fathom why he\u2019d pick up Toothpaste!<\/p>\n

Steve, give us a still-shot of the Known Man and a tube of Toothpaste.<\/em><\/p>\n

This is unexpected, Bob, but perhaps sensing a potential lengthy conversation with the Known Man he\u2019s compensated by going down another aisle and picking up the Toothpaste. \u00a0He hasn\u2019t lost any time, and the Toothpaste aisle takes him straight to the Deli.<\/p>\n

Good analysis, Marie. \u00a0And you\u2019re right: he\u2019s lost no time. \u00a0He has his pork chop now\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026At the cash register, Bob. \u00a0He\u2019s keeping it tight. \u00a0He\u2019s having no conversation with the cashier, just \u201cHello\u201d and \u201cThank you,\u201d quick and easy. \u00a0This is great stuff from the Athlete.<\/p>\n

Steve, I want a slow motion replay of the Athlete smiling at the Cashier as he turns to leave. <\/em><\/p>\n

Leaving the Grocery Store, approaching the Video Store\u2026 he\u2019s dropped the Movie on the counter and has gone straight for Tootsie<\/em>. He seems to know what he\u2019s looking for, Marie. \u00a0This is a great piece of advanced planning on his part.<\/p>\n

And what a stroke of luck, Bob! \u00a0The Overly Chatty Video Store Clerk is talking to the Owner of the Video Store. \u00a0It looks like another quick transaction!<\/p>\n

And he\u2019s out, Marie; he\u2019s on his way to the Beer Store. \u00a0He\u2019s left the Video Store with just the one quick comment to the Overly Chatty Video Store Clerk: \u201cAnd that\u2019s why I wear the scarf.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bring up the sequence of images showing the Athlete as a child playing in the snow wearing a scarf, Steve.<\/em><\/p>\n

The Beer Store is empty, Bob, another stroke of luck. \u00a0He\u2019s going straight to the back where the Tall Single Beers are; he\u2019s picked up a Lowenbrau. \u00a0He\u2019s doing a price check here, Bob. \u00a0This is wonderful.<\/p>\n

Oh, no! \u00a0What\u2019s he doing, Marie? \u00a0He\u2019s put the Lowenbrau back! \u00a0He\u2019s looked up; he\u2019s grabbed a Taller, More Expensive Beer. \u00a0It\u2019s nearly twice the price!<\/p>\n

Let me show you on the telestrator. \u00a0You can see it here, right here. \u00a0Out of the corner of his eye he sees the Taller, More Expensive Beer. \u00a0Freeze it, Bob. \u00a0You can see him rationalizing, making a split second decision. \u00a0There was no going back from that point. \u00a0Could the fancy labeling have thrown him off? \u00a0We might never know, Bob.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re right, Marie.<\/p>\n

The Athlete makes yet another quick transaction at the cashier, Bob. \u00a0He\u2019s well under his targeted time, and adjusting for wind and pedestrians, there is no reason he shouldn\u2019t come in under an hour.<\/p>\n

Camera Three, get a front profile of the stretch walk. \u00a0Camera Four, go with the back profile. \u00a0Steve, alternate between the two to create the illusion of speed and urgency.<\/em><\/p>\n

And here\u2019s the finish, the key is in the door, the clock stops and\u2026 it\u2019s a record! \u00a0It\u2019s another record, Marie! \u00a0Fifty-five minutes and eleven seconds. \u00a0This is outstanding! \u00a0He\u2019s avoided meaningless conversations and pedestrians, and compensated for wind. \u00a0The only blemishes on this near perfect performance being the purchase of Toothpaste and the Taller, More Expensive Beer!<\/p>\n

***<\/div>\n

<\/br>
\nHe\u2019s up three-two now, Bob. \u00a0He needs a win in the last event, the Shower. \u00a0A tie is not an option. \u00a0It will null the day. \u00a0It\u2019s almost worse than a loss for the Athlete. \u00a0At least in losing one can contemplate what went wrong, make adjustments. \u00a0A tie will just reinforce the unfortunate repetitious and stagnate pattern in the Athletes game.<\/p>\n

Steve, cue the camera in the local pub of the Athlete\u2019s hometown. \u00a0Sound Crew, start the beat of a kick drum in four-four time\u2026\u00a0 in four, three, two, one\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

Welcome back folks to the final event of the day, the Shower. \u00a0There is definitely an energy in the apartment tonight. \u00a0Anticipation is high. \u00a0And the crowd is on their feet. \u00a0A win here would score the Athlete a four-two victory on the day. \u00a0It\u2019s all come down to this, one of the Athletes marquee events. \u00a0And it looks like the officials are in place and everything is set to go.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t see the Athlete, Bob. \u00a0He\u2019s nowhere to be seen with the event only moments away.<\/p>\n

No dead air, Steve. Fill it with crowd shots.<\/em><\/p>\n

Here he comes, Marie, through the front door! \u00a0And it looks as if he\u2019s gone for a bike ride. \u00a0Yes, he\u2019s bringing in the bike! \u00a0What a great method of preparation for the Shower! \u00a0I don\u2019t believe it! \u00a0What guile! \u00a0He\u2019s covered in sweat, Marie! \u00a0His hair is a mess!<\/p>\n

This is extraordinary, Bob! \u00a0He\u2019s down the hallway to the kitchen now. \u00a0He drinks a glass of Chocolate Milk. \u00a0And he\u2019s in to the bedroom. \u00a0The clothes are off, Bob. \u00a0Nothing is stopping him here. \u00a0He\u2019s in full flight. \u00a0He\u2019s got the towel; he\u2019s off to the bathroom!<\/p>\n

He\u2019s focused, Marie. \u00a0He has that Steely Eyed Look of a Champion. \u00a0He\u2019s running the water now, and\u2026 the Shower starts\u2026 and\u2026 the Athlete is in the Shower, Marie \u2026 and he\u2019s tilting his head back, his hair is wet, and now he applies the shampoo\u2026 he\u2019s whipped up a strong lather, he\u2019s rubbing vigorously and\u2026 the soap is out of his hair, and now he moves on to\u2026 to\u2026 to\u2026 my God, Marie, he\u2019s picked up the toothbrush and the TOOTHPASTE! \u00a0He\u2019s brushing his teeth! \u00a0What a play by the Athlete! \u00a0We doubted the purchase of the Toothpaste at the Grocery Store but we\u2019ve certainly underestimated the Athlete! \u00a0We never saw this coming! \u00a0Surely he can\u2019t be caught now! \u00a0And the toothbrush is away and he\u2019s covered himself in body-wash and he\u2019s scrubbing furiously with the loofah, and we\u2019re on the homestretch now, Marie and\u2026 the Shower is off! \u00a0And he\u2019s out of the Shower now and he\u2019s toweling down, first the hair, then the arms and legs, and now the shimmy down the back!<\/p>\n

Camera Two, get water on the lens. \u00a0Steve, bring up Camera Two.<\/em><\/p>\n

He hangs the towel and he walks out into the apartment completely naked, he\u2019s full of confidence, and he\u2019s into the bedroom, and\u2026 the socks and the underwear are on, Bob, it\u2019s coming together in rapid fashion and\u2026 and\u2026 now the shirt, the shirt is on, and here come the pants, when the belt is buckled it\u2019s all over\u2026 and\u2026 and\u2026 and\u2026 he\u2019s done, he\u2019s completed the Shower by dressing himself and buckling his belt and this is just incredible, he\u2019s won, he\u2019s won, the crowd is going wild, the Athlete is pumping his fists, he might be crying, the noise in here is deafening, I can barely hear myself, this a day to remember, Bob, a day to tell our children about and our children\u2019s children to tell their children about, and the Athlete is taking a lap, waving to the adoring fans, taking it all in, and now he pops the top of the Taller, More Expensive Beer and sprays it around in a circle, and the crowd is soaking it up, and he raises the Taller, More Expensive Beer to his mouth and this, Bob, is the true mark of a Champion who knows how to live his life!<\/p>\n

Steve, show Camera Three of the crowd, capture his parents crying. \u00a0Now, bring in Camera Two and the shot of the Athlete in the hallway hugging an unknown female. \u00a0And now pan to the camera in the pub of the Athlete\u2019s hometown and the frantic cheering of a former baseball coach and several locals all telling each other how they used to know the Athlete. \u00a0Sound Crew, play that Queen song.<\/em><\/p>\n

He deserves this, Marie, it\u2019s been a long day, with the disastrous performance in Waking Up and the cancellation of Doing Something Constructive During the Morning Hours, but he\u2019s come back with a strong showing in Making Lunch, showed grit and determination through the Reading and Leaving the House to Run Errands, even with the surprising purchase of the Toothpaste, which at the time we thought odd and unnecessary, but he was ahead of us Marie, he had a game plan today and he brought the Toothpaste into the Shower and brushed his teeth there and he\u2019s won it all, Marie, and I can tell, from the pandemonium in this apartment, that there are going be some wild celebrations tonight!<\/p>\n

Steve, Sound Crew, bring up the black and white montage of former competitors celebrating to the frantic commentary of their victorious moments while a chorus of orphans sing \u201cWe are the World\u201d slightly out of tune in the background. <\/em><\/p>\n

All Cameras zoom out. \u00a0Sound Crew, slowly fade out the orphans\u2026 keep fading, keep fading, slower, slower, and\u2026 Steve\u2026 roll credits.<\/em>
\n
<\/br>
\n
<\/br>
\nWILLIAM FARRANT<\/strong> is a writer from Victoria, BC, Canada.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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