by C. G. Morelli
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\nDetective Barnum brushed the chipped edge of his coffee-stained mug against his bushy mustache and swallowed a few inky gulps.\u00a0 The liquid had long since cooled to the temperature of a meat locker, but the lumbering officer liked it that way.\u00a0 There was nothing he hated more than pretentious, old coffee sippers or, worse yet, any man who dared to drink tea.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe got us a live one in there,\u201d he muttered to his partner as he reworked the handcuff-shaped cuff links that peaked out from beneath the gray sleeves of his suit.\u00a0 \u201cAnd, Graham, don\u2019t let your voice get too warmed up because I get to be the hard-ass this time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, nuts,\u201d Graham responded as he ran a slim comb through a mat of gray hair.\u00a0 He straightened the red bow tie he always wore with his blue and white seer-sucker suit and brown loafers.\u00a0 \u201cGotta get myself in order, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Barnum shook his head and wiped a few drops of moisture from his perpetually perspiring forehead.\u00a0 Then the two men slipped inside a room they\u2019d used more frequently than any other in the precinct, minus the bathroom stalls.<\/p>\n
A prisoner was already waiting for them inside.\u00a0 He was definitely not the garden-variety criminal.\u00a0 His long brown hair stretched casually down beneath his shoulders and he wore a crisply-pressed white robe which billowed to the floor to meet a pair of ancient-looking sandals.\u00a0 His welcoming smile was a far stretch from the greasy sneers that usually stared back at Barnum and Graham from the same aluminum folding chair behind the same decrepit table.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry to keep you waiting, son,\u201d Graham said politely as he flicked on the blinding light bulb that hung directly above the table.\u00a0 \u201cHave yourself a glass of water.\u00a0 I can\u2019t say you won\u2019t be needing it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He winked at the prisoner and gestured over his shoulder at Barnum, who was wearing a very predictable grimace on his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s not pamper the little devil, Graham.\u00a0 He\u2019s a scumbag after all.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that right, Mr\u2026. what\u2019d you say your name was?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus,\u201d the prisoner responded sheepishly.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yes sir, my pardon,\u201d Barnum quipped, \u201cthe one and only Mr. Hey-Zeus<\/em>.\u00a0 King of the Jews.\u00a0 The only son of God.\u00a0 Just goes to show you, don\u2019t matter who you are, crime doesn\u2019t pay.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I didn\u2019t\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ll speak when spoken to!\u201d Barnum shouted as he slammed a meaty fist against the old table.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m asking the questions here.\u00a0 I\u2019m calling the shots.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t recall today being no Sunday so, as I see it, I don\u2019t have to listen to a single word you got to say.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNow, Barnum,\u201d Graham added soothingly, \u201ccouldn\u2019t we just give him a chance to explain his side of things?\u00a0 It couldn\u2019t hurt, could it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI suppose you\u2019re right.\u00a0 But it\u2019ll be on my terms.\u00a0 You got that, maggot?\u201d<\/p>\n The prisoner nodded his approval.<\/p>\n \u201cNow it seems to me\u2026 with you being, you know, all powerful and whatnot, that you\u2019d have a pretty good handle on things.\u00a0 So why in God\u2019s name are people starving all over the planet?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not exactly correct,\u201d said the prisoner.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, I see,\u201d Barnum said slowly.<\/p>\n \u201cLooks like an outright denial,\u201d Graham added.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Jesus, I been doing this a long time and I ain\u2019t never seen a prisoner get away with something they haven\u2019t been truthful about.\u00a0 Now it\u2019s just my friendly advice that you be completely open and honest with us.\u00a0 I doubt my friend Mr. Barnum here will be apt to show as much hospitality.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut didn\u2019t I\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n \u201cI said I\u2019m<\/em> asking the questions here!\u201d Barnum bellowed.\u00a0 \u201cNow we got these pestering liberals ready to give handouts to any shabbily-dressed millionaire off the street and the damn communists are populating the planet like a nest of rabbits.\u00a0 Between them there\u2019s not a morsel to swallow for all the poor little orphans out there.\u00a0 They\u2019re growing children too!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut, detective, I don\u2019t follow your argu\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n \u201cI told you, maggot!\u00a0 You\u2019ll speak when spoken to or you\u2019ll wait until Sunday, whatever comes first.\u00a0 Now what about this whole creation nonsense?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d Graham chimed in.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d like to hear all about that scientific mumbo jumbo straight from the source.\u201d<\/p>\n Confusion quickly flashed across the prisoner\u2019s face.<\/p>\n \u201cThe source?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u00a0 Says in the big book you created everything in seven days.\u201d<\/p>\n Barnum leaned back to admire the knowledge he was spewing.<\/p>\n \u201cThat wasn\u2019t me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure it was,\u201d Graham protested.\u00a0 \u201cBeen reading about it all my life.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd since you created it all, you must have created science along the way too.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAgain, not me, but I still don\u2019t\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n \u201cSo why in God\u2019s name can\u2019t you get a handle on those guys?\u00a0 I mean, these scientists are hell-bent on claiming your work for their own.\u201d<\/p>\n The prisoner had no response other than a blank stare that he tossed like a grenade upon the sheer naivety of his interrogators.\u00a0 Neither Barnum nor Graham noticed, and they simply continued their frenzied theorizing.<\/p>\n \u201cGreat point, Barnum,\u201d Graham added.\u00a0 \u201cThey expect me to believe this planet was created when a couple of rocks slammed together?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d said Barnum.\u00a0 \u201cOr that humans were nothing more than a couple of circus chimps swinging from a tree?\u201d<\/p>\n He pressed his meaty palms flat against the table and inched his bulldog snout to within a hair\u2019s width of the prisoner\u2019s face.<\/p>\n \u201cLooks like he ain\u2019t got much to say on this account neither, Graham.\u00a0 Another admission of guilt.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYep,\u201d Graham cooed.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s a damn shame, Mr. Jesus.\u00a0 I was starting to like you.\u00a0 Was rooting for you, actually.\u00a0 But I can only help you if you can answer Mr. Barnum\u2019s questions.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s not soften the blow here, Graham.\u00a0 I still have another question for him.\u201d\u00a0 Barnum took a long, smooth swig from the glass of water that was meant for the prisoner.\u00a0 \u201cNow, on a final account it occurs to me that all these new religions are just mucking up the works.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t we just save ourselves a lot of trouble if you just up and eliminated all the heathens?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d said Graham, \u201cit does seem like high time for you to be raining down hellfire and brimstone on the non-believers.\u201d<\/p>\n Both Barnum and Graham stood erect and puffed out their chests and admired what they saw as their own lofty reasoning amid the temporary silence.<\/p>\n \u201cLooks like he ain\u2019t got another thing to say,\u201d Barnum finally mumbled when it became apparent his questioning had fallen on deaf ears.<\/p>\n Graham responded in a somber tone that mocked all reality.\u00a0 \u201cThen there\u2019s nothing more I can do for him.\u00a0 Seems like he\u2019s guilty on all counts.\u00a0 Will you do the honors, Detective Barnum?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019ll be my pleasure.\u201d<\/p>\n The overgrown detective reached beneath his jacket pocket and pulled out a pair of shimmering handcuffs.\u00a0 He grabbed the prisoner by one of his wrists and slapped one of the cuffs tightly around it.<\/p>\n \u201cCome with me,\u201d he said harshly.<\/p>\n And then Jesus looked him directly in the eyes.\u00a0 His countenance was that of a newly-born fawn mixed with the defiant glare of incredulity.\u00a0 But he went softly nonetheless, as he\u2019d done once before, and he left the two detectives with only a few parting words for them to ponder.<\/p>\n \u201cLook, fellas,\u201d he said as they led him out of the interrogation room and back into the intestines of the precinct, \u201cI think you have me all wrong.\u201d by C. G. Morelli Detective Barnum brushed the chipped edge of his coffee-stained mug against his bushy mustache and swallowed a few inky gulps.\u00a0 The liquid had long since cooled to the temperature of a meat locker, but the lumbering … Continue reading
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\nC. G. MORELLI<\/strong>\u2019s work has appeared in Highlights for Children, Chicken Soup for the Soul, SI.com, Long Story Short, House of Horror and Fiction at Work. He is the author of a short story collection titled In the Pen<\/em> (2007).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"