by Matthew Amundsen
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\nThe first hour of my second day on my third temporary assignment, I was paid $17 to drink half a cup of coffee, say hello to four or five people, and turn on a computer.\u00a0 That left plenty of time for organizing my desk.\u00a0 I like to keep it clean and presentable.\u00a0 Even though it is only my desk temporarily, I still respect it and feel obligated to make it look nice.\u00a0 I spend a lot of time fussing over it because that is how professional I am.<\/p>\n
I like to work.\u00a0 I know people my age are not supposed to give a fuck about anything, and I agree with them that most things are not worth giving a fuck about, but I like money.\u00a0 What a good little American I am!\u00a0 I would like to be rich one day so that I could buy a monkey.\u00a0 That would be outrageous!\u00a0 I just want a little monkey to sit on my shoulder and watch me type.\u00a0 I would teach it how to care for its nails and feed it frozen yogurt.\u00a0 That is a perk we have at this office, free yogurt.\u00a0 That is so nice of them to think of us year-round.\u00a0 Even in the winter, we can eat frozen yogurt, even temps like me.<\/p>\n
Let me assure you, I am quite professional.\u00a0 I am always dressed in tasteful corporate attire: shined shoes, pressed pants, leather belt, ironed shirt, and a tie that is easy on the eyes but has just a hint of splash to betray my quirky but loveable personality.<\/p>\n
I arrange all my clothes the previous night, laying them on a stuffed chair in proper order as if I was sitting there myself.\u00a0 I do not tie the shoes.\u00a0 Instead, I align the laces in orderly fashion, protruding them straightforward.\u00a0 Sometimes it frightens me in the middle of the night when I wake up and see my own ghost.\u00a0 I should be used to it, but I\u2019m not.<\/p>\n
Once I wore a flashy tie on my second assignment and everyone looked at me all day.\u00a0 It was almost unbearable.\u00a0 A lot of people said they liked it but I think they just said that to make me feel better because everyone was staring.<\/p>\n
I will never wear a tie like that again.<\/p>\n
Even seated at my desk I make certain that my tie is centered upon my shirt.\u00a0 It is important for me to look symmetrical.\u00a0 That is how professionals dress.<\/p>\n
There is a girl in the office next to me.\u00a0 I try not to notice her because that would not be professional.\u00a0 I do not know her name or what she does.\u00a0 Every time I am about to say hello, she avoids eye contact with me, as if on purpose.\u00a0 I do not know why.\u00a0 She is quite pretty and I am growing addicted to the scent that lingers after she walks by.\u00a0 It is very subtle; that is how I know she has class.<\/p>\n
Once she looked me straight in the eyes when we passed each other in the hall.\u00a0 I was on my way to make copies.\u00a0 I like making copies.\u00a0 The rumble of the machinery and the smell of fresh ink make me giddy.\u00a0 But that was the only time she looked me in the eyes and she was lovely.\u00a0 I bet she would talk to me if I had a monkey.<\/p>\n
If only I had a monkey.<\/p>\n
When I was a child, my parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said a little monkey and they said I was<\/em> a little monkey!\u00a0 That was not funny.\u00a0 And, as you can probably guess, I did not get a little monkey for my birthday.\u00a0 I got a chair.<\/p>\n The monkey I want would be one of those monkeys that plays with itself a lot because after work we would go home and masturbate to cable television or lingerie catalogs.\u00a0 It would be fun.\u00a0 I would even show him how to do it if he did not already know.\u00a0 If I were really rich, I could afford a hooker for him too.\u00a0 But if not, we would just share one.\u00a0 I would not mind because I am not selfish, unlike some people in the office.<\/p>\n The second hour on my third temporary assignment on the fourth floor was more exciting and did not leave as much time for manicured ministrations.\u00a0 I typed a letter for one of my bosses.\u00a0 Some people say that I am a \u201cwhiz\u201d at typing because I can type so fast.\u00a0 I \u201cwhiz\u201d through every assignment.\u00a0 At the temp agency, I tested at 74.5 words per minute, but I made 15 errors.\u00a0 I was angry with myself because they were very simple errors.\u00a0 Once I typed \u201ccopmany\u201d instead of \u201ccompany\u201d and \u201ctake aletter\u201d instead of \u201ctake a letter.\u201d\u00a0 I pulled my hair I was so mad!\u00a0 Although I am meticulous about my spelling, the program I am [writing on right now this very minute] using in the office has a spell check device I can implement after completing a document to make sure no misspelled words slipped by me.\u00a0 They rarely do, but I use it anyway, just to make sure.\u00a0 Better safe than sorry, I say.\u00a0 Better safe than sorry.<\/p>\n I wonder how much it would cost to have a monkey-sized keyboard made.\u00a0 He could help me type, maybe just numbers and special punctuation like question marks.\u00a0 I do not like typing numbers.\u00a0 They are so far away from the other letters and they slow me down when I am typing a world-class memo.\u00a0 The monkey could do that.\u00a0 He would enjoy that task, and I would feed him animal crackers.\u00a0 He would not even know if he ate a monkey cracker!<\/p>\n I would teach the monkey to use the fax machine too.\u00a0 If only our clients knew their faxes were sent by a monkey\u2014that would be so funny!\u00a0 The monkey would clap and dance, dance and clap, and I would feed him animal crackers.<\/p>\n The third hour on the fourth floor in the building near Fifth Avenue was very hectic and I had no time to attend to my nails.\u00a0 I was so busy I forgot I even had<\/em> nails!\u00a0 Or at least I did not think about them, which amounts to the same thing.\u00a0 Whiz whiz whiz, fax fax fax, hello hello hello.\u00a0 That was my hour, not necessarily in that order.<\/p>\n Each office has its own rhythm, but it takes patience to learn this unique beat.\u00a0 I am like a chameleon because I can blend in anywhere.\u00a0 I am a dancer, or at least I should have been.\u00a0 I tell my sister that all the time.\u00a0 She is a little monkey!<\/p>\n The fourth hour in the building near Fifth Avenue, I began to type my sixth inter-office memo.\u00a0 I am very impressed by the system they use here.\u00a0 If I put a letter in a specially marked envelope and just write someone\u2019s name on the outside, a man will show up and take it to that person.\u00a0 What a good system!\u00a0 That saves me the time and effort of having to walk and learn new names.\u00a0 And it does not even cost a stamp, though I suppose they have to pay the man who delivers the letters.\u00a0 He probably does not do it for free.\u00a0 I have a lot in common with him because he probably likes money too.\u00a0 But I could not even guess what he does with his money.\u00a0 Maybe he has to feed a family of goats\u2014wait, I just guessed and I said I could not!\u00a0 I sure am outrageous sometimes.<\/p>\n The fifth hour after photocopying my sixth memo for inter-office delivery as the seventh person in the department\u2014including the pretty girl\u2014was lunchtime.<\/p>\n Lunch hour, how soon it arrives!\u00a0 I must make a confession here: I like to test out closets at lunchtime when no one is around to make sure they would be suitable for my monkey.\u00a0 After waiting for everyone else to leave the office for lunch, I go into the closet, push aside whatever garments are hanging there\u2014usually just my coat\u2014and hang from the bar to measure its durability and grip.\u00a0 A good bar needs to be thin because my monkey will have small hands, but it must also be sturdy.<\/p>\n The coat closet in this office is practically ideal.\u00a0 Although I could not fully test it yesterday because I had to drop off last week\u2019s time sheet at the temp service on my lunch hour, I remember its bar being particularly firm and sturdy and not too thin or thick.<\/p>\n When I hang in the closet, I occasionally enjoy a good hoot.\u00a0 But I have to be careful about hooting because it can bring attention.\u00a0 A good hoot is distinctive, unique even, like fingerprints or snowflakes.\u00a0 I practice my hoot at home when I watch shows about monkeys on PBS or the Discovery Channel.\u00a0 I must admit that I hoot along pretty well to them.<\/p>\n You may ask, why hoot?\u00a0 Is not \u201cmonkeying around\u201d in the closet, hanging from the bar, enough?\u00a0 No, it is not!\u00a0 And do you know why that is not enough?\u00a0 Because when I get my monkey, he is going to want someone to talk to.\u00a0 I will be there for him to hoot with all day long.\u00a0 We will have a hoot!<\/p>\n Some of you are probably thinking that since I love monkeys so much, why do I not marry one?\u00a0 I will tell you why I do not: because that is dumb.\u00a0 I will never marry a monkey.\u00a0 They are for friends, not spouses.\u00a0 Anybody knows that\u2014just ask a little kid on the street.<\/p>\n I eat bananas on my lunch hour because I want to establish a pattern which will easily accommodate a monkey.\u00a0 His presence in my life will be change enough. Sometimes I eat peanut butter sandwiches with bananas on them that I make the night before.\u00a0 I generally prefer not to eat at my desk because I like to keep it clean.\u00a0 Sometimes crumbs sneak away and then reappear at embarrassing times, like when a boss comes to your desk to give you a special task.<\/p>\n After every meal I rinse my mouth with mouthwash.\u00a0 I do not like food tastes to linger.\u00a0 Food tastes are for tasting food.\u00a0 Lunch is for lunchtime.\u00a0 If I am working and my mouth has a food taste, I feel unclean and I feel like my mind is still \u201cout to lunch.\u201d\u00a0 I should not get paid for being out to lunch.<\/p>\n Today after everyone had gone to lunch, I sneaked into the closet and closed the door.\u00a0 I hung from the bar, pulling my legs up behind me so that I was off the ground.\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00a0 This was a great closet: roomy, not too stuffy.\u00a0 My monkey would love to work here.\u00a0 Maybe they have a permanent job available.\u00a0 You have to plan for your future. \u00a0If I know anything, I know that much.\u00a0 I had never thought of a permanent job before.\u00a0 I am so used to new people and places.\u00a0 Maybe I would talk to that pretty girl if I worked here\u2014at least after I got a monkey.<\/p>\n If I had a monkey, he could take her a note that says I like her.\u00a0 She would think it was cute because he would be a cute monkey.<\/p>\n Hoot!<\/p>\n I was feeling bold with my new plan.<\/p>\n My sixth hour as the seventh person in the department on March 8th<\/sup> was elegant.\u00a0 Because a lot of people were still at lunch, I had time to drink more coffee and clean my nails.\u00a0 I like to use a straightened paper clip to do this.\u00a0 It forces out dirt and dead skin trapped underneath.<\/p>\n There came a point in the afternoon when everyone had come back from lunch and was out of their offices and in the main room filing or copying or faxing or babbling, and I decided that was an excellent opportunity to voice my question.<\/p>\n I stood and cleared my throat.<\/p>\n \u201cAhem.\u201d<\/p>\n A couple of people stopped what they were doing and looked at me, but not everyone.<\/p>\n \u201cAhem, ahem.\u201d<\/p>\n That got their attention.\u00a0 Good thing I wasn\u2019t wearing a brash tie because that would make me nervous.<\/p>\n \u201cSince everyone is here, I want to ask a question.\u00a0 It is actually one big question, with smaller ones attached.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHurry up, we are right in the middle of a merger.\u201d\u00a0 Some goon said that.\u00a0 Of course, I would hurry.\u00a0 Wasting time is unprofessional!<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, my question is, are there any permanent jobs available at this corporation and, in the event I were to be hired for such a position, would it be okay if I brought a monkey to work?\u00a0 I do not own a monkey right now, but I plan to purchase one soon, when I am rich.\u00a0 And if my monkey is allowed to come to work with me, can I put it in my contract that we buy a custom keyboard for him to use, with only numbers and special punctuation on it?\u201d<\/p>\n No one said anything for a moment, and then everyone turned away and went back to what they were doing.\u00a0 Good, they were considering my request.\u00a0 I knew they were professional because they did not say anything.\u00a0 I would not respect them as much as I do if they had made a hasty decision, even if it had been made in my favor.<\/p>\n The seventh hour at work on March 8th<\/sup>, I completed the ninth set of copies for inter-office delivery.\u00a0 When I returned to the office from making all those copies, which I sorted and stapled myself, everyone had left for the day.\u00a0 A lot of people left the lights on in their offices.\u00a0 This was unusually unprofessional of them\u2014not only to leave early, but also to leave the lights on.\u00a0 What a waste!\u00a0 Diligently, I turned off all the lights.<\/p>\n Before leaving myself\u2014there was no work for me to do if there was no one to give me work\u2014I made up my mind to try the bar in the closet one more time.\u00a0 I had to push aside a bunch of coats besides my own.\u00a0 The weather must have improved if no one needed coats.\u00a0 I felt they should have taken their coats home with them, though there was no one for me to tell of my opinion.<\/p>\n I may be special because I am a \u201cwhiz,\u201d but I bet I could teach my monkey my job.\u00a0 And then he<\/em> could feed me<\/em> bananas, and I would watch him work.\u00a0 And when it came time to do the faxes, I<\/em> would clap and dance!\u00a0 Everyone would think a monkey was sending their faxes but it would be a human.\u00a0 That is outrageous!\u00a0 And I<\/em> would type the numbers and special punctuation.\u00a0 I knew I could do it.\u00a0 What a great plan!<\/p>\n Hoot!<\/p>\n The lawyers did not know quite what to think when they found me in the closet hanging from the bar and hooting.\u00a0 If I say so myself, I have a very distinct hoot that any monkey would know as mine.\u00a0 To be honest, their discovery was a little awkward.\u00a0 I did not know my acrobatics would be scrutinized by such an impressive array of professionals.\u00a0 And my hoots\u2014well, my hoots were my fault.\u00a0 The whole office had probably heard them.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere have you been?\u201d\u00a0 I was still hanging.<\/p>\n \u201cUh, we were in a meeting.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSince you are back, I want to ask one more question.\u00a0 Will you hire my monkey, and if you do, can I be his assistant?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe you should just go home.\u201d\u00a0 They said that as if there was something wrong with me.<\/p>\n But I was not leaving, not after finding a bar this perfect.\u00a0 They stood around and I guess they just did not know what to do.\u00a0 They simply closed the door on me.\u00a0 I did not care.\u00a0 This bar was perfect and I did not want to leave.\u00a0 Maybe I could stay in the closet for the rest of the day and hang here like a little monkey.<\/p>\n Hoot!<\/p>\n That would be outrageous!<\/p>\n After a while I could hear them moving around outside the closet.\u00a0 I tossed all of their coats onto the floor so they would not be confused to find me still hanging on the bar.\u00a0 That is how thoughtful and professional I am.\u00a0 I heard them murmuring and scuffling around outside the closet and then everything was quiet.<\/p>\n I thought maybe I should go home after all, but then the door slowly creaked open.\u00a0 It was the pretty girl, and she was staring at me.\u00a0 She said she couldn\u2019t believe that there was someone out there that liked to do the same things she did.\u00a0 I made room for her so that she could hang from the bar too.\u00a0 The bar was perfect and would not break even with both of us hanging from it.\u00a0 She said we were both bananas.<\/p>\n Hoot!\u00a0 Hoot! by Matthew Amundsen The first hour of my second day on my third temporary assignment, I was paid $17 to drink half a cup of coffee, say hello to four or five people, and turn on a computer.\u00a0 That left … Continue reading
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\nMATTHEW AMUNDSEN<\/strong>\u2019s stories have been published in The Harrow, Millennium SF &F, Zygote in My Coffee, Starsong, and others. In addition to fiction, he has also published extensive music criticism for brainwashed.com<\/a> and various print publications. Over the years, he\u2019s worked in film, television, and photography while living in New York, Atlanta, and Minneapolis. He now lives in Knoxville, Tennessee, where he continues to write as well as record and perform experimental music as Surface Hoar.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"