by Andrew Frankel
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\nI was desperately in need of a piss so I ducked into The Burrito Palace.\u00a0 There were many people inside; I asserted my way to the counter and asked the girl behind it where I\u2019d find the bathroom.\u00a0 She shook her head, saying that it had been out of order all day.\u00a0 I swore aloud.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut there\u2019s a unicorn out back, in the alley, who\u2019s just begging to be pissed on.\u00a0 You should go piss on him.\u201d\u00a0 She smiled, sexy.<\/p>\n
This struck me as terrible, but I knew that I\u2019d heard her right.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut why?\u201d I demanded.\u00a0 \u201cWhy would anybody piss on a unicorn?\u00a0 In an alley?\u201d<\/p>\n
The girl narrowed her eyes at me and spoke in a tone at once sharp and vague.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll see,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
Out back, just a quick moment later, I was having the time of my life pissing on the unicorn in the alley.\u00a0 I looked at the heavens and laughed a hearty laugh.\u00a0 When I\u2019d rushed into the alley and come upon this unicorn, I\u2019d realized at once that the Burrito Palace girl had been right.\u00a0 Here was a unicorn who truly was just begging to be pissed on; he spoke with a pissy rasp and had that defiant \u201cpiss on me\u201d look set hard in his eyes.\u00a0 The soot all over his coat and his Cockney accent suggested to me that perhaps he was a down-on-his-luck chimney sweep, one who had fallen from grace for the sake of cheap thrills.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, what\u2019s this then?\u00a0 Man about town, out for an evening piss?\u201d\u00a0 He winked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou bet your unicorn ass,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
And I pissed on him.\u00a0 I think it delighted us both.\u00a0 After, we had a seat, he in the piss and I beside it, and smoked cigarettes.<\/p>\n
The unicorn seemed to revel in a feeling of contentedness.\u00a0 He swayed, spoke of summers he\u2019d spent in his youth.\u00a0 When he paused to sneeze, I asked his name.<\/p>\n
\u201cLarry,\u201d he said, \u201cLarry Green the Third, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you\u2019re red,\u201d I said, chuckling at the small irony.<\/p>\n
He turned his Cockney unicorn eyes to the night sky and drew long at his cigarette.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s because I\u2019m a bloody failure.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sniffled, coughed, and spat on the alley floor.<\/p>\n
I felt as though maybe I ought to say something to Larry Green the Third.\u00a0 His change in mood had been abrupt; perhaps he was unstable.\u00a0 It had occurred to me earlier that this probably wasn\u2019t the first time he\u2019d been pissed on today.<\/p>\n
\u201cListen, Larry.\u00a0 It\u2019s not all that bad.\u00a0 You know.\u00a0 Maybe you just need a change of scene.\u201d<\/p>\n
Again he sniffled.\u00a0 His gaze looked thoughtful and I followed it, and saw two policemen rushing toward us with angry faces.<\/p>\n
In the jailhouse, there were strange biblical screeds and illustrations scrawled on the cell walls.\u00a0 I considered them.\u00a0 Maybe I had gone wrong somewhere.\u00a0 I had never intended to get locked up for something like this.\u00a0 Larry smelled like pee.\u00a0 The charges were public urination and eliciting a lewd act in public, respectively.\u00a0 Larry looked crushed when they saddled him with his charge, and I understood.\u00a0 There was nothing sexual about what we had been up to in that alley when the policemen happened by.\u00a0 Just a unicorn who wanted to be pissed on, for reasons that were his own, and me obliging him.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut why are you locking us up?\u201d I asked the policeman.\u00a0 \u201cCan\u2019t we just pay our fines and be on our way?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d Larry added defiantly.\u00a0 I glared at him, wishing he would shut up for a while.\u00a0 He\u2019d started running his mouth as soon as they cuffed us, and I felt this could only affect our situation negatively.\u00a0 They don\u2019t much care for Limeys in these parts.<\/p>\n
It turned out my feelings of anxiety were not unfounded, as the cop got up from his desk, pulled his gun from his belt, unlocked the cell door and proceeded to savagely pistol-whip Larry.\u00a0 The unicorn collapsed and spit blood on the cell floor; the cop turned to me but I only shook my head and raised my hands.\u00a0 He returned to his desk and reclined into his seat, a look of disdain and repugnance on his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe reason I\u2019m locking you boys up,\u201d he said, \u201cis I don\u2019t like the idea of some freak and some unicorn roaming the streets of my city and pissing on each other in alleys.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know where you degenerates come from, but that\u2019s not how we do things around here.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt the need to defend my honor.<\/p>\n
\u201cSir! \u00a0Please, listen! \u00a0This unicorn never pissed on me!\u00a0 The girl at the Burrito Palace said their bathroom was out.\u201d<\/p>\n
And then I stopped.\u00a0 How could I make this policeman understand my story?\u00a0 Until I\u2019d tried it a few hours ago, I myself had never dreamt of the thrill that came with pissing all over a willing unicorn.<\/p>\n
Larry spoke up again.<\/p>\n
\u201cListen, please.\u00a0 Do you have any Three Dog Night?\u201d<\/p>\n
The policeman turned slowly to face him, pulling his pistol and leveling it at the piss-soaked Cockney.\u00a0 Larry shrunk into the back of the cell.\u00a0 For a long time no one spoke, and I took advantage of the silence to try to clear the tequila from my mind.\u00a0 There was no way in hell I was spending the night in this damned cell.\u00a0 The smell was almost too much; it would have been too much already if the piss on the unicorn had belonged to anyone but myself.\u00a0 I\u2019ve always prided myself on the clean, somewhat minty aroma of my own urine.\u00a0 But a fat lot of good that urine had done me tonight.<\/p>\n
Some hours passed and, failing to come up with anything intelligent to say to the policeman to clear our names, I decided to get a little sleep.\u00a0 I was dreaming about a cat that turned into a spider and wanted to bite me when I awoke to a quiet beseeching from Larry Green the Third.<\/p>\n
\u201cShut the fuck up,\u201d I hissed at him.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve gotten us into enough trouble already.\u00a0 Just go to sleep.\u00a0 We\u2019ll figure something out in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut look,\u201d he whispered, pointing a hoof toward the cop\u2019s desk.\u00a0 The policeman was dozing, his feet up on the desk, left hand tucked neatly into his pants.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s your point?\u201d I demanded.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have a chance.\u201d<\/p>\n
My gaze met his, and I fell headlong into his crystal green eyes.\u00a0 All of a sudden, my bladder was furious, ready for action.\u00a0 I guess one more couldn\u2019t hurt, I thought to myself, and instructed Larry in whispered tones to assume the position.\u00a0 Then, very quietly, I pissed on him once more.<\/p>\n
With the morning light came the changing of the guard.\u00a0 The new officer reviewed our paperwork and stared at us a while.\u00a0 At length a smile cracked on his round face.\u00a0 I feared trouble.\u00a0 He sauntered over to the cell door and cleared his throat.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d he drawled, \u201cI imagine you boys have about learned your lesson by now.\u201d\u00a0 He looked me in the eyes, and there was a flicker of something like kinship behind his glasses.\u00a0 \u201cYou pay your fine, you can be on your way.\u00a0 A hundred dollars ought to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt as though a great load had been lifted from me, and for a moment I was filled with happiness at this fortuitous turn of events.\u00a0 Then I heard Larry shuffling around beside me.\u00a0 It occurred to me that the policeman had said that I was free to pay my fine and go; there had been no mention of Larry\u2019s charges.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, then,\u201d Larry began, trying to sound casual.\u00a0 \u201cHow much will this little adventure be setting me back?\u201d<\/p>\n
The policeman looked Larry up and down, the slightest trace of a smirk detectable on his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, son, your charge isn\u2019t quite so light as your friend\u2019s here. \u00a0But seeing as you seem to be an intelligent enough unicorn, and Cockney, I think we could work out some sort of work release program for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Larry hesitated.<\/p>\n
\u201cWork release?\u201d<\/p>\n
The policeman opened the cell door and beckoned to me to step out, telling Larry Green the Third to sit tight a moment.\u00a0 I paid the cop the hundred dollars and retrieved my possessions, and he told me good-heartedly that he hoped it would be a while before we met again.\u00a0 As I left the jailhouse, I turned to look at Larry one last time.\u00a0 He winked at me as the policeman entered the cell with him, hand to his fly.<\/p>\n
After that night, I did a lot of soul-searching.\u00a0 It seemed to me that my life was headed in the wrong direction.\u00a0 Unicorns, Cockney accents, nights spent in jail\u2014what was I hoping to accomplish, traveling such a path?\u00a0 I decided to go straight.\u00a0 It was really hard at first.\u00a0 The urge would rear its ugly and relentless head on certain nights, and I wouldn\u2019t know how to assuage it.\u00a0 Once I cornered a cat behind a warehouse and pissed on it, but it wasn\u2019t the same.\u00a0 And the hurt look in the cat\u2019s eyes as he ran away afterward had burned straight to my heart, telling me that this was not the way.\u00a0 No, I told myself, harshly.\u00a0 This will be the last time.<\/p>\n
I went to see a therapist the afternoon after the episode with the cat.\u00a0 He listened to my story with his back turned to me, gazing out the window at a lush courtyard below.\u00a0 When I\u2019d told all I had to tell, he waited a while and then spoke.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know,\u201d he began, \u201cyour story is not such a unique one.\u00a0 Since the dawn of man and unicorn, the temptation has been there.\u00a0 And many great men were known to urinate on a unicorn or two at some point in their lives.\u00a0 Abraham Lincoln, for example.\u00a0 And Donny Osmond.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was relieved to hear this.\u00a0 He went on.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe thing is, all of these men, sooner or later, came to realize what you must come to realize. \u00a0Pissing on unicorns won\u2019t solve your problems.\u00a0 No matter how great the thrill, that is all it will ever be.\u00a0 Look out this window.\u00a0 There\u2019s so much life to be lived out there, and it\u2019d be a crime to piss it all away.\u00a0 Even on unicorns.\u201d<\/p>\n
The therapist\u2019s words struck a chord deep inside me.\u00a0 He was right; it was time to pull up my fly once and for all, and step into the sun.\u00a0 But first, there was someone I had to find.\u00a0 I thanked the man sincerely, left the office, and headed downtown to the Burrito Palace.<\/p>\n
It was night by the time I reached my destination.\u00a0 Again it was busy, and again the same girl stood behind the counter.\u00a0 I could tell by her eyes that she recognized me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, hey,\u201d she said, eyelashes fluttering.\u00a0 \u201cI was wondering if I\u2019d see you again.\u00a0 Was I right about that unicorn or what?\u201d<\/p>\n
For a second I was overcome with nostalgia, but I fought it back and spoke.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were.\u00a0 But it was all wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
She gave me a look that said she didn\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cListen,\u201d I said.\u00a0 \u201cHave you seen that unicorn?\u00a0 I need to find him.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to explain.\u00a0 Has he been in?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d she said with a confused smile.\u00a0 \u201cAbout a week ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did he say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot much really.\u00a0 He ordered a bean burrito and three margaritas.\u00a0 Then he asked to use the bathroom.\u201d<\/p>\n
My eyes widened at the mention of the bathroom, but again I beat back the wave of longing and asked the girl: \u201cAnd then he left?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen he left.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd he hasn\u2019t been in since?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot while I was here.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt at a loss, thanked the girl and on an impulse asked if I could use their bathroom before I was on my way.\u00a0 She handed me the key and I made my way back and unlocked the heavy door, flicked on the light.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t believe what I saw.\u00a0 A giant mural drawn with a thick red pen spanned the entire wall behind the toilet.\u00a0 There was Larry Green the Third, rolling on his back in ecstasy.\u00a0 And there I was, pissing on him with a celestial smile.\u00a0 The drawing was crude, but in a way I\u2019d never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life.\u00a0 The mural was signed, at the bottom, with a brief note.<\/p>\n
\u201cDrew,\u201d it read, \u201chere\u2019s wishing you well, and a little something to remember me by.\u00a0 We lived like kings in our time, but every king\u2019s reign must sooner or later come to an end.\u00a0 I\u2019m hanging up the old piss racket, and I hope you will too.\u00a0 Keep looking for grace, and I know someday you will surely find it.\u00a0 Until then, keep the faith, and stay dry.\u00a0 Larry.\u201d<\/p>\n
I reread the note a few times, then shut off the light and left the bathroom.\u00a0 Never before had a unicorn so changed my life, nor has one since.\u00a0 When I handed the key back to the girl at the counter, she flashed me another sexy smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou want to go ice-skating later?\u201d I asked her.<\/p>\n
\u201cSure,\u201d she said. by Andrew Frankel I was desperately in need of a piss so I ducked into The Burrito Palace.\u00a0 There were many people inside; I asserted my way to the counter and asked the girl behind it where I\u2019d find the … Continue reading
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\nANDREW FRANKEL<\/strong> was born and raised among the pines of Southern New Jersey. He lives in Boulder, where he has been studying the writing of fiction for the past several years at the University of Colorado. He is currently working on an honors thesis in creative writing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"