by P. Matthew Kimmel
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\nTim was 25, and, other than being gloriously bald, he didn\u2019t really care much for his appearance.\u00a0 In spite of this, he was the image of Mr. Clean.\u00a0 He was 6\u2019 5\u201d and all bulging, toned muscle.\u00a0 The rest of him was as hairless as his head.\u00a0 This was not due to any effort on his part, though.\u00a0 He was stunning, in a word, and probably even more so because of his lack of attention to his appearance.\u00a0 Tim looked exactly the opposite of who he was.<\/p>\n
Tim worked at a dry cleaner.\u00a0 He intended to do more with his life, but hadn\u2019t figured out what.\u00a0 A job cleaning clothes happened to be available when he graduated from college and it paid his bills.\u00a0 So he took the job.\u00a0 Besides, looking like Mr. Clean helped with business.\u00a0 Or so his boss said.<\/p>\n
Tim mainly worked the register, so he spent most of his shift people watching.\u00a0 The store had a big glass window with faded writing at the top, and it happened to be in the middle of a busy shopping center.\u00a0 People watching tended to be very good. Then Tim remembered that there was a barbershop in the complex.\u00a0 That\u2019s where it must have come from.\u00a0 Of course, the barbershop was in the direction the hair was rolling to, rather than away from.\u00a0 And there was no wind to blow it that way anyway.\u00a0 But Tim didn\u2019t like to argue with his own perceptions, so he left it at that.\u00a0 The hair rolled by, and Tim continued to stare into space.<\/p>\n He would have gone back into his semiconscious state, had the hair not rolled back into his view.\u00a0 This took place a few seconds after it rolled out of view.\u00a0 Tim figured that the wind had changed.\u00a0 But then the hair stopped in front of the window.<\/p>\n This wouldn\u2019t have been so confusing if the wind had ceased.\u00a0 The hair would have rolled along a little bit more, and then come to a gradual stop as its momentum disappeared.\u00a0 But this hair stopped immediately, right in the middle of the window.\u00a0 As if it had been moving itself and decided to stop, instead of just being blown through.<\/p>\n Tim decided to ignore the hair, and simply looked above it.\u00a0 It was far too strange and, besides, it looked rather disgusting on a second viewing.\u00a0 It was gunky and unhealthy.\u00a0 And it was in fact at least six different colors.\u00a0 Someone had obviously dyed it, decided they didn\u2019t like the color, and changed it.\u00a0 Probably within minutes of the first dyeing.<\/p>\n The hair probably sat there for five minutes.\u00a0 Again, Tim was trying not to pay it a great deal of attention.\u00a0 But then it stood up.<\/p>\n Ordinarily, hair cannot stand without extreme mousse, at least in Tim\u2019s less than adequate experience, but this particular pile of hair stood.\u00a0 Or at least went from being a pile to a vertical column of hair.\u00a0 And it seemed to be looking at him.<\/p>\n Hair, of course, doesn\u2019t have eyes with which to see, but it doesn\u2019t usually stand up on its own, either.\u00a0 Therefore, the fact that it was pressed up against the glass and facing Tim quite directly would be best classified as staring.<\/p>\n Tim at this point was a tad bit startled, but unlike most people who tried to rationalize the absurd, he tended to take life at face value.\u00a0 Therefore when the hair stood, he accepted it as fact, and not a trick of light or his mind.\u00a0 Tim didn\u2019t particularly like the thought of hair standing up of its own accord, though.\u00a0 So, again, he did his best to ignore it.<\/p>\n The hair, however, seemed to want get his attention.\u00a0 It started to hop.\u00a0 The entire mass of it would collapse in on itself and then jump up.\u00a0 Collectively.\u00a0 Not a single strand of hair would remain on the ground.\u00a0 It would all leap right into Tim\u2019s view.\u00a0 And when he would try to shift his attention to the right or the left the hair would leap in that direction.\u00a0 The hair wasn\u2019t going to be ignored.\u00a0 And it definitely wasn\u2019t going to be ignored by Tim.<\/p>\n At this point Tim had a decision to make: continue to sit there and ignore the hair unsuccessfully, or do something about the hair.<\/p>\n Though the second option was slightly more disturbing, Tim decided it was the best option to take.\u00a0 He was there to mind the store, and an agitated wig would probably not help business.<\/p>\n Having made this decision, Tim had another decision to make, this time whether to tell the other people working at that time about the hair.\u00a0 The other people in the store being Steve and Sandy.<\/p>\n Now Steve might get a kick out of the hair.\u00a0 However, since Steve was usually at least half-stoned, he\u2019d probably believe the hair was just the result of some really good shit, and just sit and stare at the hair.\u00a0 Sandy, on the other hand, would probably believe that the hair should be dealt with, but only after flipping out so completely that the paramedics, the police, and the fire department would all have to be called in.\u00a0 So Tim decided not to alert his coworkers and to handle it on his own, if he could.<\/p>\n Tim then realized he had no idea exactly what to do with the hair.\u00a0 He pondered for a bit, reconsidered getting Sandy to help, and then remembered it was time for him to sweep the store.\u00a0 Though this last thought wasn\u2019t hair related, it did key upon a possible solution:\u00a0 sweep the damn thing away.\u00a0 At the least he could shove it in front of some other store, making it somebody else\u2019s problem or hallucination, depending on what they chose to believe.\u00a0 And, at most, the disturbing experience of being swept away might convince the hair to find a better place to window shop.\u00a0 Or whatever the hell it was doing.\u00a0 So Tim got the broom.<\/p>\n Tim approached the door and the hair became much more agitated.\u00a0 It started jumping up and down very intensely.\u00a0 This gave Tim pause, but he continued through the door to the sidewalk.\u00a0 At this point the hair became still.\u00a0 Tim then tried to shove off the hair with the broom.\u00a0 Not forcefully, but with the obvious hint that the hair should move.\u00a0 However, instead of being pushed off, the hair began to crawl up the broom.<\/p>\n Deer often get run over because the headlights approaching them cause them to freeze.\u00a0 Unfortunately, Tim had exactly the same reaction to the hair slowly inching forward up the broom onto his arm.\u00a0 The hair, which was moving much like an inchworm, with a V-like movement, reached his arm and began to crawl up.<\/p>\n It felt like hair, but hair that had been put under a dryer for the last century, and, in places, obviously had gel, as well.\u00a0 This gave the hair the distinct feeling of being a bird\u2019s nest using Vaseline as a connective material.\u00a0 This spurred Tim into action.\u00a0 He started shaking his arm vigorously, trying to dislodge the hair.\u00a0 Unfortunately, like the deer, Tim reacted too late.\u00a0 Once upon his arm the hair wouldn\u2019t let go, no matter how hard he shook his arm.\u00a0 Then the hair reached his shoulder.\u00a0 Tim started to rub against the glass hoping to dislodge it that way.\u00a0 This, too, didn\u2019t work.\u00a0 Then it reached his head.<\/p>\n At first, the hair just sat there on top of Tim\u2019s head like a hat.\u00a0 But then it started to bore in.\u00a0 It felt to Tim like a million hot needles were entering his skull, which in a way they were.\u00a0 This intense pain managed to give Tim the strength necessary to grab the pile of hair and fling it away from him.<\/p>\n The hair landed fifteen feet away from Tim in a heap.\u00a0 At first it appeared to be dazed, but then it started to crawl towards Tim again.\u00a0 Tim brandished the broom like a sword and backed up.\u00a0 At this reaction the hair stopped, and just sat there.\u00a0 This lasted for about thirty seconds.\u00a0 Then it just turned around and trudged off.<\/p>\n Tim watched it go and, once it was well out of sight, went back inside.\u00a0 Sandy was standing behind the counter.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat the hell are you doing?\u00a0 You\u2019re supposed to be minding the front.\u201d<\/p>\n Tim merely pointed with the broom to the window.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, you were sweeping up.\u00a0 Good.\u00a0 Finish here and then you can go,\u201d she said, and walked to the back.<\/p>\n Tim watched her go, looked at the broom for a second, and then started sweeping.\u00a0 He finished quickly and left. Actually, Tim was right.\u00a0 After he had left work and ran to his car, the hair had followed.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t able to catch him before he got into the car, though, so it tried to jump onto the bumper to hitch a ride, but it couldn\u2019t hold on.\u00a0 It was blown off immediately after Tim put the car in drive.\u00a0 And the car moved much faster than the hair so the hair had no way of following Tim.\u00a0 It left the parking lot after that, looking almost forlorn.\u00a0 However, it returned the next day and stood around for several hours.\u00a0 Tim didn\u2019t work that day, though, so it again left without its prey.\u00a0 It returned the third day, and its patience was rewarded.\u00a0 Tim had to work. Tim had come from a long line of men who had gone prematurely bald.\u00a0 Tim, however, did not.\u00a0 If he didn\u2019t shave daily, he would have a full head of hair in less than a month.\u00a0 Sometimes he even had to shave twice a day.\u00a0 He was the envy of his family, and when he shaved all his hair off in college, the subject of ridicule.\u00a0 In fact, during many birthdays or Christmases, he was given hair care products.\u00a0 These he gave to his girlfriend, and then he continued to shave.\u00a0 Sometimes he would ask for moisturizing cream the next time he got these gifts, but this was because he found the entire thing absurd.\u00a0 No one else thought it was funny.<\/em> He hadn\u2019t left the house the day after the attack, and had been nearly driven to hysterics when the mail had come through the mail slot.\u00a0 He told his girlfriend he was sick, but he wasn\u2019t a good liar or actor, so she didn\u2019t believe him.\u00a0 She knew something was wrong, but she couldn\u2019t figure out what.<\/p>\n She made him go to work.\u00a0 And he knew the hair would return and claim him as its own.\u00a0 He had no idea what that would mean, though.<\/p>\n So, the next day, when the hair showed up one hour into Tim\u2019s shift, he was not surprised.\u00a0 He was absolutely terrified, but he wasn\u2019t surprised.<\/p>\n This time the hair had paper with it.\u00a0 And the paper had writing on it. The hair slid the paper under the door, and then backed up.\u00a0 Tim just sat there.<\/p>\n The hair beckoned, but still Tim sat.\u00a0 The hair started to jump up and down, and still Tim sat.\u00a0 Finally the hair left, and Tim sat and watched it go.<\/p>\n Tim had a decision to make: should he pick up the paper and read it, or leave it and let someone else pick it up.\u00a0 He decided to pick it up.\u00a0 At least he would have proof of the entire ordeal.<\/p>\n The note was written in blue ink.\u00a0 It was barely legible, but Tim was able to read it nonetheless.\u00a0 It said:<\/p>\n Hi, my name is Shelly, or rather the name of my current owner is Shelly.\u00a0 But calling me hair would be slightly awkward.\u00a0 So call me Shelly.<\/p>\n I\u2019m sorry about the first day.\u00a0 I just got too excited about finding you. My excitement is making me very anxious.\u00a0 But that is no excuse.<\/p>\n Writing is very tiring for me, but I can\u2019t think of any other way to communicate.\u00a0 Since it\u2019s the only way to talk to you I\u2019ll use it.<\/p>\n My reason for attacking you the first day, and for bothering you all this time, is simple.\u00a0 I want to be your hair.\u00a0 You see, my current owner is a girl, and, unfortunately, a fickle one.\u00a0 She hates my original color, which is brown.\u00a0 Not that you can tell, but it is.\u00a0 So, she changes my color.\u00a0 This alone wouldn\u2019t make me mad, but she does it so often, I am in the sorry condition you see before you.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of it.\u00a0 I want an owner who will treat me well, and not turn me into the brittle mess you see before you.\u00a0 I think you are that person.<\/p>\n When I caused you pain that first day I was merely trying to bond with you.\u00a0 Without asking you to allow me to do this was wrong, and I cannot apologize enough.\u00a0 I ask you, though, to look past that fact, and to truly consider making me your hair.\u00a0 I\u2019m brown and curly, and given the proper care, luxuriant.\u00a0 The proper care is simply washing me.\u00a0 And should you wish a change, coloring me.\u00a0 But only every couple of months or so.\u00a0 That\u2019s all.\u00a0 Some hair has the option of being picky, and apparently yours was.\u00a0 I will be different.\u00a0 I will be good to you, and I will never fall out.\u00a0 This I promise.\u00a0 Please take me on.\u00a0 I will be very good to you.\u00a0 I promise you.<\/p>\n If you have any questions please bring me in and give me a pen and paper, so that I may converse with you.\u00a0 I promise not to attempt anything without your consent.<\/p>\n — Shelly<\/em><\/p>\n Tim was speechless.\u00a0 He knew it had to be something weird, but not this.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know whether he should talk to the hair.\u00a0 He could still remember the hair trying to bond with him.\u00a0 He believed the letter, but he wasn\u2019t sure the hair wouldn\u2019t try to bond again given the chance.\u00a0 The only thing he was certain of was that this was all totally beyond him.<\/p>\n Tim looked up and wasn\u2019t surprised to see the hair had returned.\u00a0 He looked at it, and was oddly touched.\u00a0 It looked so pathetic and needy in this light.\u00a0 He made his decision.<\/p>\n He cracked open the door.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay,\u201d he said, \u201cI\u2019ll bring you in, but I want you to know I have a lighter.\u00a0 And I\u2019m not afraid to use it.\u201d<\/p>\n This was actually a lie, but at least the hair would think twice before slithering up his head again.\u00a0 The hair merely nodded.<\/p>\n Tim went and got the broom again, and then tentatively picked up the hair.\u00a0 This time the hair just sat on the end.\u00a0 Tim let out a little sigh of relief.<\/p>\n He put the hair on the counter, and then got a pen and paper.\u00a0 He put the paper in front of the hair, and the pen on top of the paper.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t going to touch the hair if he could avoid it.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to push his luck.<\/p>\n The hair tried to pick up the pen, but at first it slipped out of its grasp.\u00a0 It took a few tries for it to get a hold of the pen.\u00a0 It essentially wrapped itself up in the pen.\u00a0 Even then, though, the hair didn\u2019t have a great grasp of the pen, and it would slip.\u00a0 This caused the sloppy penmanship.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay.\u00a0 Uh, first off, how did you get off, uh, Shelly\u2019s head?\u201d<\/p>\n All hair can do this.\u00a0 We just choose not to because of fear of what you might do to us.\u00a0 You cut us when you like us, what you might do if you were worried we might leave is unimaginable.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cThat makes sense.\u00a0 But doesn\u2019t she notice when you\u2019re gone?\u201d<\/p>\n No.\u00a0 I leave when she sleeps.\u00a0 Fortunately she works nights.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI see.\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0 Why me?\u201d<\/p>\n Why not you?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n Okay.\u00a0 It\u2019s because you\u2019re bald.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cBecause I\u2019m bald?\u201d<\/p>\n Yes.\u00a0 Who else would want new hair other than a bald man?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cBut I choose to be bald.\u201d<\/p>\n How can you choose to be bald?\u00a0 Hair falls out according to its own will, not yours.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cBut it doesn\u2019t fall out.\u00a0 I choose not to have hair.\u201d<\/p>\n How can that be?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI shave.\u00a0 I shave it all off.\u201d<\/p>\n Really?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n But how could you do such a thing?\u00a0 Especially when so many lose their hair when they\u2019d rather have it.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n You don\u2019t know?!\u00a0 Think of your appearance.\u00a0 Think of your hair.\u00a0 Think of all the others who have no choice.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWell, I do have a choice, and I choose it to be this,\u201d said Tim, pointing to his head.<\/p>\n The hair just sat there and stared at Tim, apparently processing all Tim had said.\u00a0 Finally, it wrote its response in what can only be called anger.<\/p>\n You disgust me.\u00a0 Shaving off hair.\u00a0 Bastard.\u00a0 I was so wrong to think you were deserving of me.\u00a0 I\u2019d never have anything to do with someone so selfish.\u00a0 I hope you rot in hell.\u00a0 A hell of hair shaving you off, instead of the other way around.<\/em><\/p>\n With that, the hair unwrapped the pen, leaving a few hairs in the pen\u2019s front piece.\u00a0 It jumped to the floor and walked up to the door.\u00a0 It tried to push it open but couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 Finally, it turned around and looked at Tim.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, let me get that for you,\u201d said Tim.\u00a0 He opened the door for the hair, which promptly walked out.\u00a0 It turned around and gave Tim the finger.\u00a0 The hair equivalent, at least.\u00a0 And walked off.<\/p>\n Tim went back to the counter and sat down.\u00a0 He picked up the pen and stared at it for a while.\u00a0 He even picked out a few pieces of hair, which seemed lifeless without the whole.\u00a0 Finally, he put down the pen.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m glad I\u2019m bald,\u201d Tim said out loud, and then looked at his forehead as if expecting a response. by P. Matthew Kimmel Tim was 25, and, other than being gloriously bald, he didn\u2019t really care much for his appearance.\u00a0 In spite of this, he was the image of Mr. Clean.\u00a0 He was 6\u2019 5\u201d and all bulging, toned … Continue reading
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\nThere are three kinds of bald men.\u00a0 The first kind are the real bald men.\u00a0 These are the men that have been going bald and have decided to, rather than try to hide this fact, embrace it.\u00a0 They sometimes shave off the areas that are mostly bald.\u00a0 Sometimes they shave off the areas that might become bald.\u00a0 And sometimes they shave it all off.\u00a0 But regardless, they don\u2019t buy wigs, use comb-overs, or wear hats to cover it up all the time.\u00a0 They don\u2019t hide their bald heads.\u00a0 To be frank, they\u2019re BALD, and proud of it.\u00a0 They accept who they are wholeheartedly, and though bald, are respected.<\/em>
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\nOn this particular day, though, not many people had walked by.\u00a0 So Tim was almost completely lost in his thoughts as the hair rolled by.\u00a0 At first Tim thought it was odd that a pile of leaves would look so stringy, but he soon realized it was hair.\u00a0 The color of the hair was indistinct.\u00a0 It almost looked as if it was a chameleon still deciding what color would be best to hide in.\u00a0 It was tightly packed and rolling along at a good clip.\u00a0 Tim couldn\u2019t understand why it rolled past because there was hardly any wind.<\/p>\n
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\nThe second type are the exact opposite of these true baldies.\u00a0 They are the hiders.\u00a0 These are the men for whom a spray can of \u201chair\u201d was made.\u00a0 They keep the keep wig manufacturers in business, and they are the men that are truly members of the Hair Club for Men.\u00a0 Now, it\u2019s understandable that these men fight against the debilitating state that is baldness.\u00a0 It may even be admirable that they fight against such a tragic disease.\u00a0 What it isn\u2019t, though, is believable.\u00a0 Sprayed on paint isn\u2019t hair, and wigs are more obvious than a sign declaring they\u2019re bald.\u00a0 And, frankly, the comb-over is just plain stupid.\u00a0 These types go through their days being laughed at, not for their baldness as they believe, but for their inability to accept reality.<\/em>
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\nFor the rest of the day Tim was looking over his shoulder.\u00a0 Any mound of leaves, dirt, paper, refuse, or even just a big shadow caused him to jump.\u00a0 His girlfriend noticed, but he couldn\u2019t tell her.\u00a0 Tim couldn\u2019t figure out what was more scary to him, being nuts and hallucinating the whole thing, or being fine and the whole thing being real.\u00a0 Regardless, the hair plagued his thoughts.\u00a0 He knew it stalked him.<\/p>\n
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\nThe third type are the shavers.\u00a0 These men aren\u2019t actually bald, in the sense that they are losing their hair.\u00a0 Many could have full and lustrous locks, should they choose.\u00a0 But they choose not to.\u00a0 They instead shave it all off, and revel in their chrome domes.\u00a0 They shave it all off and become someone more minimal in appearance and, yet, more outspoken at the same time.\u00a0 Tim Gordon was one such gentleman, and the simplicity of his hairless head was a sight to see.<\/p>\n
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\nTim dreaded going back to work.<\/p>\n
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\nP. MATTHEW KIMMEL<\/strong> has an MFA in Creative Writing from Emerson College. He has had work published in The Writer\u2019s Voice, Encounters, and the Emerson College Grad Lit Forum. He has also had plays produced in New Orleans, New York, and Boston.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"