wushu<\/em> shoes. She was floating about eight feet off the ground and could\u2019ve kicked her physical self in the head, maybe.<\/p>\nShe spun her immaterial head in a full circle, just to see if she could, and found herself face-to-face with a raccoon. The raccoon was floating in mid-air, too, only her tiny bandit-hands clutched the stabilization bar of a raccoon-sized hang glider. Wind rippled the wing of the glider, but it hovered without moving too much. Kind of like bobbing on a spectral sea.<\/p>\n
\u201cGuess what,\u201d the raccoon said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just punched out my last brain cell,\u201d Keeley said. \u201cI\u2019m a ghost, and you\u2019re the Big D.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope and newp. You just went astral, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAstral projection? You mean I\u2019m an astralite?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cActually, I kind of brought you here, but not really. Tell the ninja, though. He\u2019ll be super jealous.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHoly crap that\u2019s awesome.\u201d Keeley glanced at her body again. Her fist left blood-skids on the bark. \u201cUh oh — you aren\u2019t, like, the guardian spirit of this tree, are you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn a roundabout way, you might say I am.\u201d The raccoon raised a hand to scratch at her nose. \u201cBelieve it or not, I\u2019m the concretized concept of Justice.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo kidding? You mean right now, I\u2019m communing with cosmic Justicism?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYawp.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHoly craaap, he\u2019ll be so jealous.\u201d<\/p>\n
The raccoon shrugged. \u201cIt\u2019s part of life,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you here to help with my training?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m here to tell you that there are right things and there are wrong things. But the rules are really recommendations, and the Universe usually isn\u2019t very forceful about them. The important part is that people — like you, the ninja, and the samurai guy — what\u2019s his name?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTizzonka.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight. People are the ones who make and maintain balance. You are just one part of a complicated — eh, a mildly complicated drama, unfolding in the blink of a cosmic eye. Nothing you do will stop the globe from spinning.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d Keeley patted the pockets of her astral pants. \u201cI don\u2019t know if I need to write this down, or . . .\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet me ask you a question. I know how evasive you can be, but I\u2019m no pushover. I want an answer. So you tell me — why do you want revenge on Tizzonka?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause he deserves it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy does he deserve it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause\u2026because I\u2019m in a jail, and he\u2019s the warden.\u201d<\/p>\n
The raccoon floated there, thinking about that for a minute. Her tail slinked on the astral wind.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet me ask you a set of questions,\u201d the raccoon said. Her whiskers twiddled. \u201cWhat\u2019s your least favorite food?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPeas.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally? I love peas.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI dunno, I just said something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat works,\u201d said the raccoon. \u201cWhat about fears? What scares you more than anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTarantula fur. I don\u2019t care about their size, or their legs, or their teeth. But that freaking fur. No offense.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNone taken,\u201d said the raccoon. \u201cAnd who is your best friend?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, come on. Really?…I dunno. Just put the ninja down, I guess. For now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay then: if you could have your revenge on Tizzonka, but first you had to eat your body weight in peas, would you do it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d Keeley said.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook at that. You didn\u2019t even have to think about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay: if you could have your revenge, but you had to bathe in tarantula fur. Would you do it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFuuuuuuuudge no. I mean — yeah, eventually. Of course. It would just be not easy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cVery not easy. That\u2019s the idea.\u201d<\/p>\n
Keeley shuddered, turning her astral self staticky.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if you could have your revenge,\u201d said the raccoon, \u201cbut it meant the betrayal of your best friend?\u201d<\/p>\n
Keeley stared straight ahead.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a question,\u201d said the raccoon.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh,\u201d said Keeley.<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026the question is would you do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight,\u201d said Keeley.<\/p>\n
The raccoon waited patiently. Then she got impatient. \u201cSo would you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n
The raccoon sucked air between her teeth.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait,\u201d Keeley said, \u201cWaitwaitwaitwait. Are you here to tell me that revenge is wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
The raccoon smiled with its little fangs. \u201cNow, Keeley: I don\u2019t think I need to tell you that. Do I?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2026don\u2019t need to tell me that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re a smart girl. Right? I think you understand why I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Keeley squinted hard. \u201cI don\u2019t think that I\u2026huhm. I would expect you to be just like the ninja, and to tell me that revenge is wrong, and since I\u2019m a responsible human I should strive to create balance in the Universe, and yadda else. But\u2026is that what you\u2019re saying?\u201d<\/p>\n
The raccoon winked.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, my gosh,\u201d Keeley said. Her expression wiped clean. \u201cFor the first time in my life, I totally understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
The raccoon smiled. \u201cOkay! Then I won\u2019t keep you.\u201d The raccoon glided away, leaving a zebra-trail in its wake. And Keeley vacuum-zipped back into her body.<\/p>\n
She looked around, stomped the ground to make sure she wasn\u2019t floating. Her feet were planted, but she was buoyed by retribution. She whispered to herself, \u201cThe Universe Raccoon just gave me her blessing.\u201d<\/p>\n
What had she been doing again? That\u2019s right — punching.<\/p>\n
So Keeley punched the tree. Keeley punched the tree. Keeley punched the tree.<\/p>\n
And finally\u2026timber.<\/p>\n
\nReady Ready READY READY READY<\/strong><\/p>\nShe found the ninja training in the Smotts\u2019 backyard, surrounded by stray shadowcats, listening to Nujabes on a shiny ghettoblaster. He was kicking a tetherball back and forth, dodging it every few swings with a preternatural speed.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yeah, they\u2019re out of town on vacation,\u201d he said about the homeowners. \u201cI just wanted to, you know, keep the swings from getting rusty. Or, you know, maybe I\u2019m their lost son who went away to college and disappeared or something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m finished punching stuff,\u201d Keeley said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard! That thing about how if a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it? Totally not true.\u201d The ninja smiled. \u201cHey,\u201d he said, \u201cI have something for you. I mean, it\u2019s nothing big. But you can have it, if you want it. It\u2019s in the battery hatch of the boombox.\u201d<\/p>\n
She gave him a curious look, but went and opened up the stereo with her toe. The music stopped as she did, and instead of batteries a mess of black fabric unfurled across the lawn.<\/p>\n
\u201cHoly crap.\u201d Keeley knelt and ran her fingers through it. She picked up what turned out to be a sleeve, with a little thumbhole at the end. \u201cIs this my shinobi<\/em> suit?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cYou bet! I mean, mos def. I didn\u2019t get you any tabi<\/em> boots because you seem to like the wushu<\/em> shoes, but\u2026You get this really cool title, though. Ready for it?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cWhat\u2019s my title?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCheck this out: you\u2019re the first kunoichi<\/em> I\u2019ve ever known.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means, uh, incredibly super cool. Basically. There\u2019s translational minutiae, but, cool.\u201d<\/p>\n
Keeley went to the space between the Smotts\u2019 shed and fence and changed outfits. She tried to do it really quickly, as part of the ninja mystique, but it still took her a minute or two.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m really stoked for you,\u201d the ninja said. \u201cI never got that far with my conditioning. I quit after about two months worth of sand stuff. Even today, I kind of hit like a gir — like a grrreat big baby. Sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Keeley stepped out into the open. She looked like a stagehand (or a kurogo<\/em>).<\/p>\n\u201cYou look awesome,\u201d the ninja said. \u201cSo what\u2019s next for the kunoichi?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cWell, I guess I\u2019m not quite done with the punchpunch. Still got one person left.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d The ninja seemed confused. \u201cYou mean you still want to punch Tonka\u2019s lights out?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUh, yeah<\/em>. That\u2019s the whole point of us hanging out. Don\u2019t tell me you forgot.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cNo, I didn\u2019t forget<\/em>. I — jeez. This isn\u2019t — \u201d The ninja put his face in his hands. \u201cOkay. Wow. You\u2019re supposed to feel at peace now.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s peace? <\/em>Don\u2019t you feel more balanced? Like the universe makes more sense? Like you\u2019ve seen the world on a cosmic scale, perfectly level, and that severe injustices or accompanying vendettas would knock it out of equilibrium? Don\u2019t you feel\u2026equilibriated?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cDude, that stuff\u2019s all nonsense. Get this: the cosmic spirit of Justice came and spoke with me<\/em>, and she said so. She also said, and this was the main message: \u2018Yo, Keeley, I got your back.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cWhat?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cShe\u2019s a raccoon on a hang glider. She gassed me out of my body and we had a really good conversation. You came up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy hang glider was parked near there. What would you say are the chances that you had a dehydration hallucination and saw a raccoon playing with my hang glider?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks for the tip, Dr. Ninja, but I\u2019m pretty sure<\/em> I can recognize an authentic OOBE.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cAn ooby? Okay; what did the raccoon say?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cI already told you,\u201d said Keeley. \u201cShe was like\u2026\u2018Go get him, dude!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure that\u2019s what she said? Exact words?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean, essentially. We had this long conversation about\u2026something. I don\u2019t know. I was, honestly, really distracted by the fact that she was a raccoon. But at the end, when it came down to Tonka, we talked about revenge and I thought<\/em> she was gonna be all lame like you and say, \u2018No, don\u2019t do it.\u2019 But then she winked.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cShe winked?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d said Keeley, \u201cshe winked. And she was saying, basically, \u2018You have my endorsement.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs it possible,\u201d said the ninja, breathing slowly, \u201cthat you\u2019re misinterpreting this wink? Because it\u2019s a wink.<\/em> The meaning of those can be pretty, you know, debatable\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cLook, I\u2019m still trying to get over the fact that raccoons can wink.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean, how do you know that isn\u2019t like a biological thing they just do? Like a spasm, or a twitch? Can you remember the exact context of the wink?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, I don\u2019t think this kind of demideity would allow <\/em>herself to be misinterpreted.\u201d She crossed her arms at the ninja. \u201cIn fact, the raccoon and I think you\u2019re <\/em>the one who\u2019s starting to sound ridiculous.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cAnd you\u2019re using this wink as the ultimate justification of your revenge.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBesides what Tonka did, yeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t believe it. This is not what\u2019s supposed to happen at all. You\u2019re supposed to undergo a deep philosophical change. You\u2019re supposed to reform. You\u2019re supposed to see the issues in a wiser light and abandon your blood-spilling pursuit. It\u2019s, it\u2019s like the bumper sticker: Coexist<\/em>. What about self-satisfaction? What about karmic wibbledy-wobble? What about peacelove?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cI don\u2019t know what to tell you, man.\u201d<\/p>\n
The ninja put a fist over his mouth. He looked like he might throw up. \u201cDoes your hand at least hurt? Because that was part of the plan, too. I said to myself, \u2018Gee, maybe if she messes up her hand, she won\u2019t want to punch anybody.<\/em>\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cMy knuckles feel tectonic. They feel\u2026Pompeiinous.\u201d She rubbed her ragged knuckles like a treasured heirloom. \u201cIt\u2019s a famous volcano. And the word \u2018heinous.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m familiar with it, okay?\u201d The ninja kicked the tetherball so hard that it flew off its pole and hit the side of the house.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoa. Calm down, buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re finished. I\u2019m not training you anymore. I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, hang on.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope,\u201d said the ninja. \u201cWe\u2019re done. I was making you a certificate, but it\u2019s not finished yet, but it\u2019s not like you need it. Call yourself a master if you want. I don\u2019t care. Whatever.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d said Keeley. \u201cWait up. You still haven\u2019t taught me a single freaking thing about concealment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah?\u201d said the ninja. \u201cWhat could I possibly teach you? You\u2019ve done nothing but<\/em> conceal <\/em>this entire time. You still haven\u2019t told me the full story between you and Tonka. I mean, you don\u2019t devote your whole afterschool life to revenge over a couple of backyard football games from however many years ago. Friendships end. Life goes on.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cI\u2019ve done nothing but conceal? Look at you, Mr. I\u2019m-Gonna-Try-to-Brainwash-You-Away-from-Revenge-with-My-Training.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStop calling me Mr. Dr. Everything!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStop not-training me!\u201d Keeley said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOr else what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOr else I tell the neighborhood who you are.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yeah right.\u201d The ninja waved his hands all around. \u201cYou don\u2019t have the faintest idea — \u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou had a dinosaur backpack in kindergarten.\u201d<\/p>\n
The ninja froze. He looked over his shoulder at the ghost of his old backpack. He asked, slowly, \u201cWhat kind of dinosaur?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know dinotypes! The one with the things.\u201d She used her fingers to imitate ambiguous something\u2019s. \u201cI could draw it, if I had to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou really do know,\u201d the ninja said. \u201cYou\u2019d really rat me out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo more ninjas jumping on the bed.\u201d<\/p>\n
The ninja squatted, then fell back onto his butt in the grass. He sighed. \u201cYou know, there\u2019s this old Japanese saying. It, uh, it goes\u2026hang on: saru mo ki kara ochiru<\/em>. Even monkeys fall from trees.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cI agree. Even Tonka, for all his bushidoic prowess, is vulnerable.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m trying to warn you, actually. I\u2019m saying, like, you think you\u2019re swinging through the branches with aplomb, and all that jazz\u2026but you could still get clumsy or a branch could break or something. Maybe another monkey could come along and push your monkey out of the trees. I mean, that\u2019s happening to me right now. Metaphorically.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut,\u201d Keeley said, \u201cwith a clever scheme and careful training, the monkey greatly decreases her tree-fally-outy chances to raccoon-like levels of arboreticism.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, you think you know schemes? Check this out: there was this one ninja I read about. He hid up in the rafters of a castle for three days, dead silent. He even had to pee on himself. Silently. Could you<\/em> do that?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cOkay, that\u2019s not quite how my scheme works.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere was this other one ninja I read about. What he did was, he snuck into a compound and hid beneath an outhouse and waited three days for this kingy guy to come use it. All while other guys used the bathroom first. And when the guy finally came to use the restroom, after three days of waiting, the ninja got him. Could you<\/em> do that?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cWhat, did he attack the guy\u2019s butt?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI dunno. No one knows. It was a ninja strike. The ninja just got him<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cThat\u2019s two potty stories in a row.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel like we could have done pretty well together,\u201d said the ninja, his tone swiveling. \u201cSee, we\u2019re peers now. I\u2019m really quick and pretty good at hiding and that stuff, and you\u2019re the hardest-headed cricket that anybody\u2019s ever stepped on. We could have covered each other\u2019s weaknesses.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you could show me a lot more about disguises and mysticism and all that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, that stuff\u2019s fun. But really easy, too. You\u2019re really going to do it? Still? You think this\u2019s the right thing to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoesn\u2019t matter. The way I see it, it\u2019s the only<\/em> thing to do. And the only thing you can do is teach me what I want to learn. Or else.\u201d<\/p>\nThe ninja cracked a smokebomb in the yard beside him, but then just sat there and let the cloud wash over him. \u201cI really wanna disappear right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGo ahead. I\u2019ll take notes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\n\n| (<– return to page 2)<\/a><\/td>\n | (go to page 4 –>)<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n <\/p>\n \n\n\n| (<– return to page 3)<\/a><\/td>\n | <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n How to Disappear<\/strong><\/p>\nThe ninja took her to a golf course, setting a snappy pace as a formality. Keeley flipped over the fence and dashed down the fairway, right behind him. They stopped on a pretty flat green. By the light of the moon, she could see the crisscross mowing and the candy-cane pin flag. It rippled in a subtle shadow breeze.<\/p>\n \u201cThe eye sees in three ways,\u201d said the ninja, \u201cmotion, color, and silhouette. These are the three things it notices, in order. First, motion. Nothing is more immediate and attention-grabbing than movement. If you can appear inanimate and move when you aren\u2019t under scrutiny, you\u2019re on your way to invisibility. Second, color. In a still visual, the eye searches for broad inconsistencies; contrast is one of the broadest. Light and dark, warm and cool, yellow and anything else — except for yellow. This is why we wear black stuff, to utilize shadowisms. And then third, is, uh, silhouette. The brain catalogues shapes and derives meaning from them, but <\/em>it also needs time to interpret recognizable shapes and unlock those associations. Still — you gotta take extra caution to disguise your silhouette while hiding.\u201d The ninja tucked a twig under his armpit and turned sideways. \u201cSee? Instead of the recognizable human form, now I\u2019m all tree-y.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cCute.\u201d Keeley picked up the golf flag and propped it on her shoulder like a bazooka, then turned sideways. \u201cCheck it out,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m a horizon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat eye-stuff, that\u2019s just the science of it. Knowing the three sights, I can\u2019t just say, \u2018Now disappear!<\/em>\u2019 and then you do it. Disappearing for real takes something else.\u201d The ninja threw up his twig and appeared on the other side of Keeley. \u201cSee, I was skeptical when you first came to me for ninja training. You were all like, \u2018I wanna learn taisavuki-jutsu,<\/em>\u2019 and I was like, \u2018Gosh, but you\u2019re such a noisy cricket.\u2019 You remember that?\u201d<\/p>\nKeeley bent the mini-flagpole over her knee. \u201cWhat about it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t disappear because somebody trained me,\u201d he said. \u201cI disappear because I\u2019m disappearable. Also because I read a few books on the subject.\u201d He whispered behind his hand, \u201cAt the bookstore, they keep the ninja tomes in the athletics section.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean, \u2018disappearable?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n The ninja shrugged. \u201cAll my life, people just kinda forgot I was there. The teacher would never call on me or collect my homework, or my parents would leave me at Pizza Street, or the soccer coach would never take me off the bench, or the lunch ladies would never put any food on my tray.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t believe you. What would you eat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNapkins, mostly. I was already a pretty wispy kid, and that made me even more<\/em> unnoticeable.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cWell, I noticed you,\u201d Keeley said. \u201cI sought you out.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know, but that was for your training. For your revenge. You think anybody ever seeks me out to learn about balance? Forget it. One person, once, and just because he was a gymnast. Are you still going to seek me out after you\u2019ve got what you wanted?\u201d<\/p>\n Keeley looked at her wushu<\/em> shoes. \u201cI don\u2019t think that far ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cIt takes a certain personality to disappear, is what I\u2019m saying. But you don\u2019t have it. Look at you,\u201d he said. \u201cYou\u2019re an orange-aura\u2019d fireball. You\u2019re so loud, you don\u2019t even hear half of what I say. You\u2019re so loud, the universe is waking up and telling you to can it. You\u2019re so loud\u2026I\u2019m jealous. I bet nobody ever forgets Keeley.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSorry I have to ask this, but I can\u2019t tell right now: are you or aren\u2019t you pissed off at me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m mad,\u201d said the ninja. \u201cI mean, I think you\u2019re doing the morally wrong thing. I think you\u2019re blackmailing my assistance. I think I\u2019ve kinda created a monster by showing such an aggressively powerful person all this ninja stuff. But a lot of that\u2019s my fault. I never should\u2019ve trained you. I knew it was risky.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen why\u2019d you do it?\u201d Keeley said.<\/p>\n \u201cUm\u2026because I thought the training could be like ninjanger management. I wanted you to learn to extinguish a little bit. And, you know, lose that desire to destroy another human being.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s the only reason you trained me?\u201d<\/p>\n The ninja sighed. \u201cWhatever you do to Tonka, there\u2019s a good chance people will see you at that Homecoming Game. And those people are going to think the assailant was their neighborhood ninja. And since you know who I am, that puts me kind of at your mercy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo what are you <\/em>going to do?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cProbably hang up the hood for good. If I was able to disappear from my first life, I can disappear from ninja-life. I don\u2019t see what other choice I have.\u201d He took off his glasses and cleaned them with his sleeve. Behind the frames, Keeley saw lines around his eyes. In the moonlight, he looked kind of like pancake batter.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is the last thing I\u2019m going to show you,\u201d he said as he replaced his glasses. \u201cSo here\u2019s your ultimate test, Crickeeley: I\u2019ve hidden a tool here. It\u2019s the most powerful weapon in any ninja\u2019s arsenal. If you can find it, it will make you invisible. If you possess it, it\u2019ll make you invincible. It\u2019s a tool that you\u2019ve gotta have if you\u2019re gonna beat Tonka. So try to find it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s \u2018here?\u2019 The golf course?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis particular green.\u201d<\/p>\n Keeley scanned the lawn-sized circle. She\u2019d gotten pretty good at moonlight eyesight, and she didn\u2019t see anything right away. She went to the cup and dipped her hand inside. It was empty.<\/p>\n \u201cAm I supposed to dig?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n The ninja stood with his arms crossed over his chest, watching. He didn\u2019t answer. Keeley didn\u2019t know if she had ever seen his arms crossed like that. Sometimes he clasped his hands behind his back, but that was it.<\/p>\n She sank her fingers into the green grass and tore up a strip. Then she knelt and punched into the earth, and soil flew out in a serpentine blast. When the dirt settled, Keeley had cut a deep trench into the green. Nothing was buried but grubworms and a sprinkler system.<\/p>\n She tore up a second strip of sod and punched into the earth beneath it. The dirt showered down in crumbs and clods, and nothing was buried. She tore another strip up, and another. She mangled the green. She punched so many linear craters into the ground that it started to look as if a meteor had sunk a hole-in-one. And when no secret weapon made itself evident, Keeley bent the pin flag back into shape and javelined it.<\/p>\n \u201cAlright, it\u2019s pretty clear that there\u2019s nothing here!<\/em>\u201d Keeley hollered. The last two words echoed through the surrounding subdivision. \u201cSo what\u2019s the deal? Where\u2019s the mindscrew?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cThere is no spoon — I mean, tool. I mean, there is<\/em> — abstractly. But that was a lie. The tool is deception. By far, the most effective disappearing act is making your opponent believe in the presence of that which isn\u2019t present.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cThat\u2019s <\/em>your big ninja secret? You stupid jerk — I already knew that!\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cYou did?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure I did! I don\u2019t have the slightest idea about your real identity, and I don\u2019t even care.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut you knew about my dinosaur backpack!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDude, wake up and smell the kindergarten. Everyone<\/em> had a dinosaur backpack.\u201d<\/p>\nThe ninja counted on his fingers, tabulating in tabi<\/em> boots. \u201cDoesn\u2019t that mean that now you have nothing to use as blackmail? And I don\u2019t have to let you go through with this anymore?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cPretty much,\u201d Keeley said.<\/p>\n \u201cThen I won\u2019t let you go through with this anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, right. What are you gonna do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna stop you,\u201d he said. \u201cAll this time I thought I was preserving balance, but you were using my knowledge to skew things more and more. Not anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUgh, balance, balance, balance. You know what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShutup,\u201d Keeley said, and, cutting him off. \u201cI think you\u2019re wrong about the universe. I think it doesn\u2019t care what goes on, and you just use that to justify your passivityiveness. You\u2019re all about preventative<\/em> balance: \u2018Can\u2019t let this happen, oh no, can\u2019t let that happen.\u2019 But balance can be reactive, too. If somebody does something good, they should be rewarded. If someone does something bad, they need to be punished. Maybe if you\u2019d gone out of your way to get noticed as a kid, someone would\u2019ve stopped you from eating all those napkins. But as for me, I\u2019m not counting on some moon raccoon to come down out of the sky and take care of any of that.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cRevenge is a positive feedback mechanism,\u201d the ninja protested. \u201cCyclical back-and-forth\u2019s don\u2019t have a safe outcome because both parties keep answering, and people get dragged in, and — while I hate to use the metaphor — it spreads like a freaking firenado.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhich is why I\u2019m going to strike back definitively, then, and put this to bed once and for all. It\u2019s not about revenge at this point. You wanted me to learn something? I learned something. I\u2019ve learned to see your crummy karmic balance. Now you\u2019re just throwing a hissyfit because we don\u2019t see it with the same eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI still can\u2019t believe it. I really didn\u2019t think it\u2019d end up this way.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell now I\u2019ve <\/em>deceived you,<\/em> and I guess that means the training is complete. So\u2026\u201d She flexed her fist. \u201cYou gonna stop me, or what?\u201d<\/p>\nThe ninja juked right and Keeley brought her hammer down, but then he edged to the left and got inside her reach. He rooted a leg behind Keeley\u2019s, said \u201cBwoop!\u201d like a banana-peel sound effect, and toppled her to the dirt.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat,\u201d she said, \u201cstill afraid to hit me?\u201d<\/p>\n The ninja shrugged and Keeley kicked him in the knee. His legs went out from under him and he fell face first, catching himself in a pushup — and Keeley stomped the top of his head. He threw his hands up and fell to his elbows as she scrambled to her feet. She hopped back a few steps, bouncing foot-to-foot, and cracked her neck while she waited for the ninja to stand.<\/p>\n \u201cI know you\u2019re trying to be chivalrous or something,\u201d she told him as she bobbed around, \u201cbut trust me: you aren\u2019t going to stop me without throwing a punch.\u201d<\/p>\n The ninja stood still. \u201cI don\u2019t hit gi — \u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t play that card. Here.\u201d She dropped her ready stance and walked confidently to the ninja. Then she grabbed his wrist, forced him to make a fist, and punched herself in the face with his arm.<\/p>\n \u201cHey!\u201d The ninja ripped his hand away and Keeley threw a punch to his gut. But he caught it in both hands, pulled her to the ground, and put her into an arm bar.<\/p>\n \u201cPfft,\u201d she said, \u201cyou think that huuuurrrttts?!<\/em> Let go! Leggo! No fair! You never showed me any submissionisms!\u201d<\/p>\n | |