by Richard Radford
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\nBernie Goldstar\u2122 leaned heavily on his cane as he crossed the stage, and by the time he made it to the middle he almost gave in to gravity. The audience was rigid with anticipation. Leaning one hand on the podium, Bernie turned slowly to face them. There were sixty-eight attendees, and his eyes rapidly scanned and assessed. The gangling man in middle, half of his body hanging limply to one side. The androgynous child with the greasy hair and thick glasses being clutched to his mother like a purse. The obese lady in the front row in the wheelchair, and next to her a woman with frizzy hair, Birkenstocks\u2122, and a frown. He let his head sink forward a little towards the microphone.<\/p>\n
He waited till the perfect moment\u2014maybe a second or two too long, he decided, but they weren\u2019t going to notice\u2014before bolting upright, casting the cane to one side, and making his signature Quantum Bound\u2122 across the stage. It was actually more of a little hop to the right, but judging by the resounding applause and delighted gasps, it worked miraculously. Bernie flashed his smile, and bowed. He waited for the conference room to quiet before speaking.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you, thank you,\u201d Bernie said, plucking the microphone from the podium and pacing around the stage. \u201cIt\u2019s wonderful to see so many faces out there tonight. You all look like you\u2019re ready to change yourself\u2026and the world!\u201d They cheered. \u201cFriends, I am here to tell you that you are about to find out a secret that until tonight, nobody knew.\u201d He nodded to Steven in the back. The room dimmed, and the spotlight above him shone off of his silver hair and gold jewelry. He waited until he was sure all eyes were on him.<\/p>\n
\u201cA few years ago, I was just like you,\u201d Bernie said. \u201cI was fearful! I was angry! I was ugly! I was crippled! I was poor!\u201d He waved his hand at the cane laying on the stage. \u201cI gave into my fate, and said there was nothing I could do about it!\u201d He looked up to the ceiling. \u201cI prayed, I begged, I crawled like a dog, blind and stupid! And what happened?\u201d He paused.<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing!\u201d he yelled. \u201cNothing. I kept myself unhealthy and unsuccessful and unmeaningful.\u201d He looked out among the sea of bobbing shadows. \u201cAnd then one day, after I just lost another job, my house was foreclosed on, my car was repossessed, and my wife had left me for the mailman, it dawned on me. Somewhere, out there in the cosmos, there must be a better life awaiting me. And suddenly, I discovered something.\u201d He waited while someone finished up with a coughing fit.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow, I know what you\u2019re saying,\u201d he added reassuringly. \u201c\u2018Bernie, I\u2019m not like you! I\u2019m not a scientist! I\u2019m not an award-winning millionaire speaker!\u2019 Well, ladies and gentlemen, I\u2019m here to tell you that you\u2019re wrong! You are a scientist! You are a millionaire! You are a erudite orator! In another dimension, that is!\u201d Bernie went back to the podium.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow, I\u2019m not gonna bore you with the details. For one thing, you probably wouldn\u2019t understand the technical aspects and quantum principles that go into this. For another, I don\u2019t want to put you to sleep,\u201d he said, pretending to nod off and then look up in surprise. \u201cThis isn\u2019t a cure for insomnia lecture!\u201d The crowd burst into a torrent of laughter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, ladies and gentlemen, it may surprise you, but until a year ago, I never knew one scientific principle. I thought the sun went around the Earth! I thought that a macro-quantum particulate could not bound from a superpositional state!\u201d The audience mumbled. \u201cI don\u2019t expect you to understand that last one. I\u2019ll break it down for you in a minute. The point is, until then, I was clueless. And then, using my patented Quantum Bounding System\u2122, I was able to bound into another dimension, one where I met\u2026me!\u201d<\/p>\n
A few people actually said \u201cHuh?\u201d or \u201cWhat?\u201d audibly. Bernie held up a hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, I know, I thought I was certifiably insane,\u201d he said. \u201cI went to the country\u2019s most famous psychiatrists. Some of them thought I was crazy, too. Kind of like the pot calling the kettle black, if you ask me.\u201d They remained silent. Too vague, he thought, and reminded himself to cut that joke. \u201cAnywho, I finally went to the last greatest psychiatrist in the country, and he said something very important to me. \u2018Bernie,\u2019 he said, \u2018what if you\u2019re not crazy?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I went home that night, feeling like a bull in a china shop. I sat in my chair, with my cane, and closed my eyes. I repeated the mantra to myself, Another You\u2122, Another You\u2122. And then it happened. I bounded,\u201d he said. \u201cAnd I met\u2026me, again! This was a different me! This was a me who didn\u2019t need these\u2026these coarse walking aids! And so I asked him, \u2018How is it you do not need this cane?\u2019 And do you know what he said? \u2018Look in the Bottom Drawer\u2122, Bernie. It\u2019s Quantum Secret #8\u2122.\u2019 And so I did. And so I did.\u201d He looked around the room, wondering if he had lost them. \u201cWhen I returned to this dimension, I looked in the bottom drawer of my desk, and what did I find there?\u201d He reached into his breast pocket, and pulled out a tennis ball. \u201cYou see, I didn\u2019t know that I used to be a tennis pro\u2026 in another dimension. That night, instead of sitting around in my house like a bump on a log, I blew the dust off my racket and went out to the nearest court. A month later, and not only had I not touched the cane again\u2026 I had won the state championship. And now it\u2019s your turn!\u201d he shouted. The ball flew off the stage, and was met with wild clapping.<\/p>\n
After the presentation, Bernie made his way through the crowd, who gazed upon him with wonder. There was a long line at the merchandise table, manned by his flunky Steven. They exchanged nods. Bernie smiled. If ten people bought the first volume of CDs of the Quantum Bounding System\u2122, priced at a very reasonable $59.99, it paid for his trip and hotel room. Any more purchases, and it was all gravy. Already, twenty-two people were lined up, and another fifteen were still struggling to get their brains or bodies functioning enough to stand up. It was likely some of them were bound to bite.<\/p>\n
At the front of the line, the obese lady in the wheelchair lolled forward with a wad of wrinkled bills in her hand. The woman in the Birkenstocks\u2122 was hissing out of the side of her mouth.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know it\u2019s your money, Nancy, but you don\u2019t have to throw it away on this garbage!\u201d she said. The lady said nothing, and handed the money to Steven, who looked like he had just been given a used tissue. As Bernie was walking towards the exit, the obese lady latched onto his suit jacket with her swollen fingers. He recoiled. She felt her way over to his hand and held it. Her skin felt clammy and cold. Everyone around the table froze, except for the woman in the Birkenstocks\u2122, who scowled at him and shook her head. He put on his best showman\u2019s smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, hello there, my dear,\u201d Bernie said. \u201cAnd what is your name?\u201d The lady\u2019s face contorted, and her immense mouth wrapped around the sides of her cheeks. \u201cWell,\u201d he said, leaning in close, and tapping the shrink-wrapped box on the table, \u201cyou are certainly on your way to a better life.\u201d He leaned in close and in a stage whisper said, \u201cSay goodbye to all of your woes. Say Hello to Another You\u2122.\u201d The lady emitted a gurgle, and squeezed Bernie\u2019s hand. As delicately as possible, he shook it off like a slug, bowed to the room, and strode out of the door, listening to the unmistakable sound of cash being pulled from wallets.<\/p>\n
As he headed down the plush carpeted hallway, he snapped a bottle of Purell\u2122 from his breast pocket. He squirted a large dollop on each palm and rubbed them together furiously. After rounding the corner to the alcove of elevators, he ran his hands along the wall, leaving long streaks on the stucco. The elevator hummed upwards, and he began to feel better. It was all in a day\u2019s work, after all. People who weren\u2019t revolting didn\u2019t need his aid. He applied another round of the Purell\u2122 and smelled his fingers. He loved the stuff. He reminded himself to get a bottle\u2014a small one\u2014for Steven as his bonus for the night.<\/p>\n
Back in his room, he took a shower, and put on a new suit from his luggage. He felt refreshed, and whistled as he walked around the room, stopping to admire the poster he had thumbtacked to the wall. It was a picture of him doing a jumping jack in front of a backdrop of stars. Say Hello to Another You\u2122, it said in golden letters.<\/p>\n
\u201cLooking good,\u201d he told the poster. He went to the window and drew the curtains apart, exposing a landscape of flat, unsightly nickel casinos and strip clubs. The Denny\u2019s\u2122 sign across the avenue winked at him. Whistling back through the room, he picked up the telephone book and flipped through the Verizon Superpages\u2122. Running his index finger across the page, he stopped it next to a large advertisement for Angels of the Falls\u2122, the best service in town, as he recalled. He picked up the telephone receiver and dialed the number.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello, this is Bernie Goldstar\u2122, and I would like\u2026 ha, ha, yes, that\u2019s right, I am a frequent flyer\u2026 I\u2019m at the Marriot\u2122. Room 432\u2026 no, no, tonight I want something…\u201d he said, waving his hand through the air, \u201csomething extra-special. I deserve it. Well\u2026 I know. Send me the most expensive escort you have!\u201d He beamed at the poster.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou take Discover\u2122, right?\u201d he added.<\/p>\n
Twenty-five minutes later, the escort arrived, and forty-five minutes later Bernie was once again stepping out of the shower, whistling. He donned another new suit from his luggage, and straightened his tie at the bathroom mirror. The escort they had sent was a black. He wasn\u2019t a racist, but he really didn\u2019t prefer blacks as much. He reasoned that at an escort service in Sioux Falls would be understandably short of them, however, and so they must be the highest priced. He would have preferred an Asian tonight, he decided, but he knew it was his fault for not being more specific. He splashed some Old Spice\u2122 on his cheeks. Well, black, white, or yellow, he thought, it still feels great to be Bernie Goldstar\u2122.<\/p>\n
The escort\u2014who said her name was Xena\u2014was stretched across the bed naked, her nipples erect from the cool air conditioning sweeping through the room.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Miss\u2026 Xena, but would you mind terribly getting dressed?\u201d Bernie asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine,\u201d Xena replied, rolling her eyes and slipping on the silver dress that had crumpled on the floor. She began to gather her belongings, but Bernie held up a hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, no, you shouldn\u2019t leave yet,\u201d he said. \u201cI just would prefer you to be covered.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever,\u201d she said. \u201cSugar,\u201d she added, a moment later. Bernie tossed a twenty-dollar bill onto her lap to help smooth her ruffled feathers. Xena held it up, then stuffed it into her purse.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what you do?\u201d she asked, pointing to the poster. \u201cYou a astronaut or something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, no, well, heh heh,\u201d Bernie said, sliding onto the comforter next to her. \u201cYou see, I am a spiritual scientist.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI help people when they\u2019ve lost their way,\u201d he said, taking her hand and looking into her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh yeah? How you do that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, it\u2019s complicated, but basically I help them bound through the convoluted paths and avenues of the cosmos, jumping through time and space to find alternative versions of themselves in alternate dimensions, where they, uh, learn to, uh, live again.\u201d Bernie\u2019s eyes shifted to the floor, and Xena looked at him skeptically.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou for real? Sounds made up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh! No, I assure you, it is very real. Why, there\u2019s a dimension out there where Xena is the mayor of Sioux Falls!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHa! OK, sugar, why don\u2019t you jump me?\u201d Xena said, smiling.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou want to see how it\u2019s done?\u201d Bernie said.<\/p>\n
\u201cGive it to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, first you need to sit still and close your eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLemme see you do it,\u201d Xena said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmmm, OK. Well, see, first I close my eyes, and concentrate on where I might like to travel, what version of myself I would like to bound into. You become at one with the cosmos, you become one with yourselves.\u201d Bernie was silent for a moment, squinting his eyes together.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou haven\u2019t gone anywhere yet, sugar,\u201d Xena said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not like hopping on a bus,\u201d Bernie said. \u201cIt\u2019s more like getting on an airplane. Takes a while to get through security. You say to yourself Another Me\u2122, Another Me\u2122\u2026 and then, just like that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
For a sickening moment, Bernie thought he was having a heart attack. It felt like every bone in his body was resonating to the point of shattering. He tried to scream, but nothing came out of his mouth. He had no tongue, no teeth, no voice. He was being clawed apart, turned inside out.<\/p>\n
\u201cHelp me, Xena!\u201d he tried to yell.<\/p>\n
In moments it was over, and he could feel his heart beating in his chest. He opened his eyes, and looked out across a decrepit sitting room. It was sunny outside, but the room was full of shadows that gathered in the corners and along the stained carpet. Bernie sat in a corner with his cane clutched between his knees, dressed in a dirty jacket and baseball cap. He tried to speak, but no words came out. He couldn\u2019t move. He felt bound to the chair, his hands adhered to the cane.<\/p>\n
The room had a few other chairs, and two long tables covered with bits of food. There were others there, one mumbling to himself, his hand moving in a repetitive arc in front of him. Another was laughing hysterically at a stuffed animal.<\/p>\n
A woman entered the room and walked by Bernie.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood morning, Bernie,\u201d the woman said loudly. Bernie tried to speak. He recognized the woman, her frizzy hair and Birkenstocks\u2122, but he couldn\u2019t remember from where. Had he slept with her? Was she an old escort? What had happened to Xena?<\/p>\n
\u201cHe just sits there all day,\u201d the woman whispered to the man in the kitchen at the far end of the room. \u201cDoesn\u2019t say a word to anyone. I wish my boyfriend was more like that.\u201d The man laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow did the outing go, Lila?\u201d the man asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, God, you should have been there,\u201d Lila replied. \u201cIt was awful. All that bull about improving yourself by \u2018soaring through the cosmos.\u2019 It would have been funny if Nancy hadn\u2019t been conned into buying that trash.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou let her do that?\u201d the man said. Lila shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not my money, Steven. I tried to convince her not to, but it\u2019s not my job to be a parent. There\u2019s a reason I have dogs instead of children. I just made sure she didn\u2019t roll off the curb or get mugged or something.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bernie tried to turn his head towards them, but his neck was fused. He was stuck looking at the opposite wall, where a stack of battered Springbok\u2122 puzzles and board games was balanced on top of a stereo.<\/p>\n
\u201cOK, everyone!\u201d Steven shouted from the kitchen. \u201cTime to get washed up! Dinner will be on in fifteen minutes. Who wants Manwich\u2122?\u201d No one in the room responded, but the laughing woman laughed harder and began to passionately kiss the stuffed animal.<\/p>\n
A lady in an electric wheelchair rolled into view. She stopped at the stereo and pulled a package from her backpack with an unsteady hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cNeed some help with that, Nancy?\u201d Lila asked. Nancy said nothing, and ripped the cellophane from the box with her teeth. She extracted a CD, and the rest of the packaging slipped from her lap and onto the floor. Bernie could see the cover, a large galaxy with gilded lettering across it. It said \u201cCelestial Traveling\u2122\u2014A Journey to a Better You!\u2122 by the Award-Winning Scientist Luther Stargilt\u2122.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh Christ!\u201d Steven yelled, running from the kitchen. \u201cI think he\u2019s having a seizure!\u201d Bernie was shaking in his chair, his cane rattling between his legs. After a minute, he stopped quivering. He tried to make eye contact with Steven, who was kneeling by him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s fine now,\u201d Steven said. Lowering his voice, he added \u201cI think he\u2019d be a lot happier if he kicked the bucket today, though. Guess we would too.\u201d Lila laughed as she pulled out paper plates and plastic utensils from a cabinet.<\/p>\n
Across the room, Nancy had finally managed to put the CD in the stereo, and slipped the large headphones over her ears. Bernie saw her face contort with delight, her eyes pointing up at an angle to the ceiling, her tongue lolling out of her mouth. After a few minutes, she closed her eyes, squinting hard. Her enormous body rippled. She seemed like she was trying to squeeze something out of her, or molt. For another five minutes, Bernie listened to Lila and Steven banging around in the kitchen and making more acerbic comments about the occupants of the room, the cackling woman with the stuffed animal, and the man mumbling and circling his hand over and over.<\/p>\n
\u201cDinner!\u201d Lila barked, and dropped the soggy paper plates around the table. The woman with the stuffed animal got up, and the muttering man followed, his hand continuing its ceaseless revolutions.<\/p>\n
Nancy squinted harder, and pressed the headphones to the sides of her head. Suddenly, she opened her eyes, a look of wonder on her face. She took in her surroundings, the beat up furniture, the dirty carpet, the shadows crawling across the room, the cacophony of voices speaking to no one. The wonder disappeared. She looked down at her large, broken body, and then at Bernie, who could do nothing but stare back. Their eyes were locked across the room. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she began to sob with quiet gasps. After a brief pause, she started to howl.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right, you two,\u201d Steven ordered. \u201cYou better come have your Manwich\u2122 or you won\u2019t get any Jell-O\u2122!\u201d by Richard Radford Bernie Goldstar\u2122 leaned heavily on his cane as he crossed the stage, and by the time he made it to the middle he almost gave in to gravity. The audience was rigid with anticipation. Leaning one hand … Continue reading
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\nRICHARD RADFORD<\/strong>‘s fiction has appeared in The Ampersand Review, Pear Noir!, Bartleby Snopes, Hackwriters, Hearsay, and is forthcoming in A Cappella Zoo and Writers\u2019 Bloc. A photograph of him was once inadvertently included in an issue of Pro Wrestling Illustrated. Currently Richard lives in Juneau, Alaska, and can be reached via email at: raradford@gmail.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"