by Stephen Schwegler
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\nJamie walked into her living room and stood there in shock. It was decorated with two hundred hot dogs, tied with strings to the ceiling. She walked into the center of the room, the dogs hovering around her. The aroma of boiled meat made her nauseous, yet it was strangely mouthwatering. That\u2019s when she noticed the floor. Two thirds of it was completely covered in relish.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right. What the fuck happened in here?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jamie\u2019s sister, Morgan, ran in, not noticing anything.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong,\u201d Morgan asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t think anything in here is odd? Anything sticking out as weird?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe fucking hot dogs!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, those.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, why are they hanging from the ceiling?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was trying to get in touch with my masculine side.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you thought this was going to do it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPretty much. Any better ideas?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe. How about stop showering, watch the game and a porno at the same time while drinking a beer and scratching yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHmm, that does sound easier.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust don\u2019t do it when I\u2019m home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd why is there relish on the floor?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe room didn\u2019t flow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t flow? What the fuck are you talking about? Do you know how hard that\u2019s going to be to clean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry, but I needed something to contrast the chili.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cChili?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jamie turned around, next to the couch was a three-foot mound of chili. \u201cWhy not use ketchup; relish smells so much worse.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat wouldn\u2019t work. How else would I have contrasted the cheese. I couldn\u2019t use ketchup for both.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEnough. Shut up. I\u2019m going to the mall. When I get back I want this shit cleaned up. Febreze the fuck out of this place too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFine.\u201d
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\nAn hour and a half later, Jamie came home to see a \u201cfor sale\u201d sign on the front lawn. She stormed inside.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy is the house for sale?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI figured that selling it would be easier than cleaning it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow the hell are you going to sell this place with hot dogs stuck to the ceiling?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe someone will think it\u2019s art.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd Jesus will come and give me a puppy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCould happen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it couldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor the last time, clean this place and take that goddamn \u2018for sale\u2019 sign off the lawn. I\u2019m taking a nap. You better be done when I wake up, if not. I\u2019m calling mom.\u201d
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\nJamie woke up two hours later. She took a deep breath and inhaled nothing but hot dogs. She walked through the house, every room now looked like the living room.<\/p>\n
\u201cMorgan! What the fuck did you do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSee, I thought this would be easier than cleaning. It was also a lot more fun.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am so going to kill you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The doorbell rang.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you invite someone over? Jamie asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Morgan answered the door, she saw a man standing there. He walked in and began looking around.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I help you with something?\u201d Jamie asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cQuiet,\u201d the man said. \u201cI\u2019m soaking it all in.\u201d He walked through every room and returned to the front door where Morgan was still standing. \u201cI love it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou love what?\u201d Morgan asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe house, it\u2019s brilliant. How much do you want for it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou want to buy our house?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Jamie said. \u201cIt\u2019s not for sale.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t pay attention to her,\u201d Morgan said. \u201cLet\u2019s go into the kitchen and draw up a contract.\u201d<\/p>\n
The two went into the kitchen, ignoring Jamie\u2019s requests to get out. They came back fifteen minutes later, the man with a makeshift deed and Morgan with a briefcase.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did,\u201d Morgan said. \u201cI sold the house to Mr. Larsen for six thousand dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd he had the cash?\u201d Jamie asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d Morgan said, holding up the briefcase.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d hate to interrupt you two,\u201d Mr. Larsen said, \u201cbut I\u2019d like to be alone in my new house.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut all of our stuff is here,\u201d Jamie protested.<\/p>\n
\u201cI sold all of that too. It was all part of the deal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMr. Larsen said that he needed it all for the piece to work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe house isn\u2019t art. It\u2019s our home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMr. Larsen thinks it\u2019s art.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t care what Mr. Larsen thinks. Mom is going to kill you and then I\u2019m going to kill you again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIsn\u2019t that lovely? Girls, if you don\u2019t mind. Please leave.\u201d
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\nOn the curb in front of what was formerly their house, Jamie turned to Morgan and said, \u201cYou\u2019re so dead.\u201d They sat there, silent, looking off into the middle of the street. A man dressed in white, walked up behind the girls.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou girls all right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Jamie said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy idiot sister sold our house and all of our possessions for six thousand bucks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWow, that sucks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I know.\u201d Jamie turned around to look at the man and turned back around to face the street. Then back again for another look. \u201cJesus fucking Christ!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn the flesh,\u201d Jesus said.<\/p>\n
Both sisters stood up and said, \u201cNo way!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWay.\u201d<\/p>\n
The two girls just stood there, blinking in unison. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou guys seem a little down and with your house and stuff being gone, who could blame you. Here\u2019s what I\u2019m gonna do.\u201d Jesus reached behind his back, closed his eyes, said, \u201cAbracadabra,\u201d and brought his hands back around front, holding a box. <\/p>\n
\u201cTake it, this might help with your problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jamie lifted the lid. \u201cA puppy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, everyone loves puppies,\u201d Jesus said.<\/p>\n
Jamie started sneezing immediately after the lid was off.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s allergic,\u201d Morgan said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, sorry. I, um, have…to…hey, what\u2019s that over there!\u201d Jesus pointed across the street, the girls turned to look, and Jesus made a break for it. The girls turned back around to see a small cloud of dust where Jesus once stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cSon\u2026 of\u2026 a\u2026 BITCH\u2026,\u201d Jamie said, still sneezing.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll get him,\u201d Morgan said. <\/p>\n
She reached down, picked up a rock and hurled it at Jesus, hitting him in the back of the head.<\/p>\n
\u201cShit, Morgan. You knocked him out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOops.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGo see if he has any money.\u201d
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Like it? Buy it now!<\/strong><\/a><\/center> by Stephen Schwegler Jamie walked into her living room and stood there in shock. It was decorated with two hundred hot dogs, tied with strings to the ceiling. She walked into the center of the room, the dogs hovering around … Continue reading
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