by Stephen Schwegler
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\nGeneral Fuzzbottom stared at his captive. Captain Squeak and his crew \u2013 Stink, Stripe, Whiskers and Acorn \u2013 had gone down to Earth to collect a pair of humans that Fuzzbottom thought would prove useful.<\/p>\n
During the mission, Agent Whiskers had an unfortunate accident. While in a park searching for the toothbrush cleaner salesman, a rubber squirrel had landed next to him. Mistakenly thinking it was the newly promoted Captain Squeak, Whiskers started talking to it. A moment later a very large dog came barreling towards Whiskers and the chew toy. He didn\u2019t know what to do. He had never seen one of these before, but was instantly terrified. Taking a cue from what he thought was his commanding officer he stood his ground. He, sadly, did not survive the encounter.<\/p>\n
The toothbrush cleaner salesman, Fred Wattsy, was successfully captured, though, then beamed aboard their ship and was now being held in a see-through pod.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you want with me?\u201d asked a terrified Fred.<\/p>\n
\u201cWouldn\u2019t you like to know?\u201d answered General Fuzzbottom.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, I just asked.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat you did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou going to tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEh, sure. Why not?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot a problem. You see, we\u2019re going to take over Earth.\u201d<\/p>\n
General Fuzzbottom waited for a reaction from Fred. None came.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs I said, we\u2019re going to take over Earth. Well, invade first and then start with the whole taking over and whatnot. We\u2019ll enslave humanity and, well, make you clean up our poo mainly. We don\u2019t have thumbs so it\u2019s kind of hard. What with these robotic attachments and all.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI see that you\u2019re pants-wettingly frightened. Good.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSir,\u201d interrupted Private Cutie-Whiskers Fuzzy-Pants.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve gotten a call from our ground party. They\u2019re having trouble finding the second specimen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTell them to try harder. Let them know we\u2019ll send rodent after rodent down if we need to. That human knows about us. We can\u2019t having him selling his insane crackpot theories to the media.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI doubt people will believe him, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo one is paying you to think.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is a volunteer mission.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy point still stands.\u201d<\/p>\n
Private Cutie-Whiskers Fuzzy-Pants left and radioed down to Captain Squeak on Earth.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow, where was I?\u201d asked General Fuzzbottom.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout to let me go since you realized your plan was crazy and there was no way you could take over all of human civilization,\u201d said Fred, in his most convincing voice possible.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn\u2019t sound like me at all.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt doesn\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Are you lying to me? You are! I thought we had something here, toothbrush guy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope, just your captive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes. I remember. Negotiations.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve lost me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo I haven\u2019t. You\u2019re right here. I can see you.\u201d<\/p>\n
General Fuzzbottom waved. Fred waved back.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere,\u201d said the general, \u201cnow that we\u2019ve established where you are we can get on with things.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut where am I?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, but.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cListen, if you\u2019re not up for the task I can send you home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, through this.\u201d Fuzzbottom held up a small tube, no bigger than a vacuum hose.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis would be the return tube. It goes directly to Earth.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan\u2019t you just beam me back down?\u201d asked Fred.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou would eventually beam down, after the initial mile through the tube. And then the additional few yards of tube on Earth. Don\u2019t know where on Earth, but it\u2019s there somewhere.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs there any way we can skip the tube parts of all this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere would the fun be in that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI would probably live.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI ask my question again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh,\u201d said Fred, realizing that his adversary wasn\u2019t as cute as he looked or as dimwitted as Fred had hoped.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sure shut you up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,” said Fred. \u201cSo what can I help with?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re going to need your negotiation skills when we speak with the Earth president about handing over the deeds for everyone\u2019s lives.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA couple of things about that could be a little problematic for you…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSuch as?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, for starters, there\u2019s no Earth president. Each nation has its own leader.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd how many are there?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJeez, I don\u2019t really know. A lot?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the other thing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople don\u2019t have deeds on Earth. Well, they do. For houses and things, but not for things like servitude. At one point we did, but that\u2019s really frowned upon now. It didn\u2019t go well. I guess the military does, but that\u2019s different.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDifferent how?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe military protects the nation.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDouble crap!\u201d<\/p>\n
General Fuzzbottom walked over to the intercom and called for Lieutenant Nugget to come meet him.<\/p>\n
Nugget arrived, saying, \u201cSir, you wanted to speak with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGo ahead,\u201d General Fuzzbottom said to Fred. \u201cTell him what you told me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lieutenant Nugget looked at the prisoner. Fred relayed the information he had just given General Fuzzbottom about Earth.<\/p>\n
\u201cCare to explain why we didn\u2019t know about this before we started? \u201c demanded the general. \u201cThis makes everything infinitely harder.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI, uh…\u201d replied Nugget.<\/p>\n
\u201cToo late. You\u2019re going to Earth.\u201d<\/p>\n
General Fuzzbottom held out the tube. Nugget hung his head, crawled inside, and was sent to Earth to assist Captain Squeak in finding the other soon-to-be prisoner.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately for the lieutenant, the tube\u2019s other end had been sent to a proctologist\u2019s office. Needless to say, Nugget was never seen or heard from again.<\/p>\n
The General took a seat in front of Fred and held his head in his paws.<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething wrong?\u201d asked Fred.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just don\u2019t know what to do now. With all of this new information it doesn\u2019t seem likely that our mission will be a success. Should I call my men back? Do I let you go? Or do I just blow this ship to kingdom come?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know. You might be able to do it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot really. There are a lot of countries. You\u2019d probably lose the majority of your men.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight,\u201d said the general. \u201cDon\u2019t really see much benefit in that. What\u2019s the point in taking over a new planet if I have to do everything myself?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s also the possibility that you\u2019ll die in the takeover.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks. Never considered that happening. Now I\u2019m even more depressed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should be. I should vaporize you right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fred cowered in fear.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho am I kidding,\u201d said General Fuzzbottom. \u201cWe don\u2019t have that kind of technology.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy do you sound so surprised? Should we?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you guys did, what with the spaceship and the beaming down to Earth. Not to mention the tube. That thing is terrifying. Didn\u2019t know you could hear the victim scream the whole way.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t know that either. To be honest, Nugget was the first, uh, test subject.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh. Seems a little harsh. That\u2019s the kind of thing you\u2019d expect to be private.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMan, we can\u2019t even get that right. I\u2019m blowing us all up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo! Wait! Let\u2019s not do anything crazy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow I\u2019m crazy? What next?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I didn\u2019t mean it like that. What if you let me go and I talk to that guy who knows about you and get him to change his mind about you guys. Maybe get him to start saying how awesome you are and that forming an alliance would be beneficial for everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat could work\u2026 No! No good. We can\u2019t even find that guy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Private Cutie-Whiskers Fuzzy-Pants ran in and said, \u201cThey\u2019ve found him! Captain Squeak and the rest located the second specimen.\u201d
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\nThom Krooze was beamed aboard the ship into the pod next to Fred Wattsy. Thom looked at Fred and then at the general. And then back to Fred and again at Fuzzbottom. And then at his shoes. He stared at his feet for a while. To be fair, he did have nice footwear.<\/p>\n
Thom looked General Fuzzbottom in the eyes and said, \u201cI knew it! Everyone who doubted me can kiss my butt! Alien squirrels for the win!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCalm down,\u201d said Fuzzbottom. \u201cYes, you are right. We exist. But, our plans just changed.\u201d<\/p>\n
Captain Squeak entered the room.<\/p>\n
\u201cChanged? What happened, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, Squeak. I\u2019m glad you\u2019re here. It seems like we\u2019ve been wasting our time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSeems like we significantly underestimated the humans and what they were capable of. Fred here clued me in.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo\u2026 Whiskers\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor nothing, I\u2019m afraid.\u201d<\/p>\n
Captain Squeak hung his head and walked out.<\/p>\n
\u201cHeavy,\u201d said Thom.
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\nGeneral Fuzzbottom and Fred Wattsy explained to Thom Krooze the new plan. The two them would be sent back down to Earth, the safe way, and inform the people of a hideous race of alien dung beetles about to attack and that the only way to defeat them was to join forces with the squirrels and their anti-dung laser guns.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know if the people I\u2019ve told will believe me,\u201d said Thom. \u201cIt was hard enough for them to trust me concerning you guys. And you\u2019re real!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut some of them did believe you and with Fred here helping out, we should be able to convince the people of Earth that we are no longer a threat.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can create an infomercial and explain it that way. I\u2019ll handle it on television, as well as sell some toothbrush cleaners, and you can take it to the streets, like you\u2019ve been doing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCouldn\u2019t we,\u201d began Thom, \u201cjust stop talking about aliens and then everything would be fine?\u201d<\/p>\n
Captain Squeak walked back in.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat would have worked if we hadn\u2019t abducted you two. Our intelligence shows that the humans are starting to get wise, what with several onlookers seeing us throw the tarp over Fred when we captured him. Probably should have used a bit more stealth with that one. And then there was the case of the squirrel magically appearing in a patient at In One End, Out The Other Proctologists.\u201d<\/p>\n
General Fuzzbottom twiddled his robotic thumbs and looked around the room. A moment later he said, \u201cSee? They\u2019re on to us. We need you guys to run interference.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m in,\u201d said Fred.<\/p>\n
\u201cSure, why not,\u201d said Thom. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t mind spewing something that is actually crazy since everyone already assumes I am.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExcellent!\u201d said the General. by Stephen Schwegler General Fuzzbottom stared at his captive. Captain Squeak and his crew \u2013 Stink, Stripe, Whiskers and Acorn \u2013 had gone down to Earth to collect a pair of humans that Fuzzbottom thought would prove useful. During the … Continue reading
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\nFred and Thom appeared back on Earth right in the middle of Central Park. They each went their separate ways and spread the good word of General Fuzzbottom and his race of all knowing alien squirrels and their never ending fight against the evil dung beetles from space.
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\nSTEPHEN SCHWEGLER <\/strong>is the author of Perhaps.<\/em>, the co-author of Screw the Universe<\/em> and Itinerant Preacher at Jersey Devil Press<\/em>. There’s a high probability that he’s sitting on his couch right this very minute not being the least bit productive.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"