by Russell Bradbury-Carlin
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<\/br>
\nI\u2019ve always tried to ignore the fact that I walk around with a small tail. It\u2019s been difficult at times. But, because I am not a nudist and my tail does not stick out from my forehead, I\u2019ve usually been able to pretend that there was nothing strange. This is made easier since it is rather smallish, kind of a nub really, more than an actual tail.<\/p>\n
One might think that the most difficult situation I would have was with girlfriends. How and when does a guy introduce the fact that he has a small tail? Well, it really hasn\u2019t been a problem. This is because I haven\u2019t done much dating. I\u2019m not sure whether I am shy because I have a tail or I\u2019m just shy and I also happen to have a tail.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not like I haven\u2019t dated anyone. I\u2019ve had a number of dates. In fact, I\u2019ve been in a sexual relationship. We were together for two months. And the fact that I had a tail was not a problem. This is why I am sure I\u2019m not chronically shy. I reached that level of comfort with at least one woman and we got along fine.
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<\/br>
\nHelena Marshall and I met in our freshman year of college. She took to being away from her deeply Catholic family and to her newfound freedom with more than a bit of ferocity. What I mean to say is, she was very aggressive, sexually. At least from what friends have told me about their girlfriends and wives. I don\u2019t want to give a lot of details, but I think she found the evidence of my evolutionary link to the animal kingdom kind of erotic.<\/p>\n
I guess, given that experience, I shouldn\u2019t have been surprised that my tail\u2019s first, second, and third words were \u201cRalph, where\u2019s Helena?\u201d I was sitting on my ratty couch alone watching one of those afternoon court programs when I heard a husky voice from behind me utter those words.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately for my vestigial tail, Helena and I had long ago broken up.
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<\/br>
\nAt first, I considered the possibility that I was insane. But I didn\u2019t feel insane (except for the fact that I heard my tail speak). Supposedly those who are crazy do not ask if they are crazy. I was relying on that one concept.<\/p>\n
Over the following days, I began to wonder if I had really heard anything. After all, I didn\u2019t hear the voice say anything else. I soon brushed off the idea that I had a talking tail.<\/p>\n
Then, a few weeks later on a hot summer afternoon, I was riding the mid-town bus. It was crammed with people. Suddenly my tail blurted out \u201cMonkeys can\u2019t type Shakespeare!\u201d as if it had been choking on the words. I gasped and turned around quickly — wondering who on the bus had yelled. Then as I saw that everyone else was still in a dull-eyed commuter trance, I realized that it was my tail. I glanced down at my rear-end, then quickly looked out the window as those around me seemed a bit concerned.<\/p>\n
I realized no one else could hear it. I also began to consider that my tail was not only talking, but that it also wanted to say something.
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\n\u201cI want\u2026 hmm, dum-ta-dum\u2026 it\u2019s a long road\u2026 one, two, three\u2026 D, E, F, G\u2026 hark, the herald angels sing\u2026\u201d my tail babbled.<\/p>\n
The progression of my tail\u2019s linguistic abilities was not unlike a child\u2019s, only it didn\u2019t use babbling as a way to test the ability of its mouth to form words. My tail has no mouth. I have no idea how it creates words. I don\u2019t hear the voice in my head. I hear it as if its voice were coming through my ears. My tail\u2019s use of language followed a very steep learning curve. It began with two and four word sentences. Then it quickly leapt up to paragraphs, chapters, and novels of words. Even though I understood that my tail was trying to say something to me, I also think — like a child — it just enjoyed the process of talking. As time went on it just talked and talked and talked. It was not unlike living in a busy nightclub on a perpetual Saturday night.
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<\/br>
\nI don\u2019t know why it didn\u2019t occur to me early on that I could possibly communicate back to my tail. It appeared to enjoy babbling on and on to itself, only occasionally making some reference or comment to something I was involved in. It didn\u2019t seem to be able to read my mind. Or at least when I repeated over and over in my head \u201cshut up, shut up, shut up!\u201d it didn\u2019t seem to respond. Perhaps it was just ignoring me.<\/p>\n
Then, one morning, I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking my third cup of coffee and feeling that grainy drag on my eyelids from lack of sleep (apparently tails don\u2019t need to rest) when it occurred to me to talk back to it.<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026the simple biological-evolutionary answer,\u201d my tail rambled, \u201cis that as embryos we are all structurally female first\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you want?\u201d I asked out loud.<\/p>\n
It paused. \u201cYou don\u2019t know?\u201d<\/p>\n
I jumped up from my seat in surprise. I hadn\u2019t really expected it to answer back. Hesitantly, I responded. \u201cNo. But clearly you\u2019ve got something to say.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cListen, all I know is that I\u2019ve recently discovered that I can say things. Before that I listened to you all the time — sometimes with interest, sometimes quite bored.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought maybe you had something important to tell me. It isn\u2019t everyone that has a tail. And I am sure very few people have a tail that talks to them. Is there something you need to say to me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot that I can think of.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d I was a bit dumbfounded. Then what was this all about? I wasn\u2019t sure what to say, so I said the first thing that popped into my head. \u201cWell then, I guess we\u2019re just going to have to figure out how to live together.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMore you with me. I\u2019ve learned to suffer living with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat? You\u2019re the one that came out of nowhere. Maybe you should go back to being silent. Or at least keep quiet at night.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll see what I can do.\u201d<\/p>\n
That was it for a while. I lived my life. My tail lived its. It kept its ongoing chatter down to a manageable whisper — enough so I could begin to ignore it.<\/p>\n
My tail mostly babbled on about evolution and Charles Darwin. I had majored in Biology in college and, apparently, it had been listening more carefully than I had, since it seemed to be able to quote every book I had read and every lecture I had attended.<\/p>\n
It also did me the courtesy of keeping quiet at night.
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<\/br>
\nOne day I was out on a date with Marie, a girl I had met through someone at work. It seemed to be going well. We were having dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. It\u2019s a quiet place, candlelit, with each table separated from the others by rice-paper screens. In other words, it was quite romantic.<\/p>\n
Marie and I were in the middle of our second glasses of wine. I was admitting to my love of Jim Jarmusch films and she was astounded that I had even heard of him. Things were going well.<\/p>\n
Then, we weren\u2019t alone.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s my all-time favorite director,\u201d Marie gushed. \u201cI still can\u2019t believe you like him, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
My tail suddenly spoke up, \u201cHey. I\u2019ve realized something.\u201d<\/p>\n
For a moment I froze. I considered responding out-loud to my tail, but I knew I would sound crazy. Instead, I tried to integrate the conversations, emphasizing certain words to my tail: \u201c\u2026I like to rent Jarmusch\u2019s films then tell everyone to — go away<\/span> — so I can watch it alone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhich of his films is your favorite?\u201d Marie asked.<\/p>\n My tail said, \u201cI can\u2019t wait. I need to tell you something now.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I continued: \u201cI really like Down by Law<\/em> because I also love Tom Waits. Did Jarmusch ever do a movie called — We\u2019ll Have to Talk Later?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI, uh, don\u2019t think so,\u201d Marie looked perplexed.<\/p>\n My tail was persistent. \u201cEither we talk now or I am going to repeat everything I know about Darwin, over and over.\u201d<\/p>\n I responded: \u201cI think it was a short-film. It came out before Don\u2019t You Dare<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d Marie sat back in her chair.<\/p>\n \u201cDarwin was born in\u2026\u201d my tail started.<\/p>\n I gave in. \u201cI need to go the men\u2019s room. I\u2019ll be right back.\u201d<\/p>\n I stood up quickly and left the table. I could see in Marie\u2019s eyes that the tide was turning on this date.<\/p>\n When I reached the men\u2019s room I found it empty.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat the hell do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think I do have something to tell you \u2013- some wisdom to impart.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy now? Couldn\u2019t it have waited?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. Listen. I\u2019ve been thinking about the fact that I am a vestigial tail — a remnant of your link to your evolutionary past. And, I\u2019ve been thinking about the fact that I can talk, which I am pretty sure is not a quality that any kind of tail has had — past or present. Then, it occurred to me why I am here. Once I realized this, I had to tell you right away.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, okay, but make it quick.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am actually an evolutionary jump forward. Not only that, but I am not a talking tail.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am your conscience.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMy what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt dawned on me when I was recalling all of the time I just sat and listened to you: you did not seem to have a conscience. Or, if you did, you\u2019ve done a good job of ignoring it. Evolution gave humans an inner-voice to help you navigate your moral world — to help you survive. Somehow that little voice in your particular head has been silenced. So, apparently, evolution has dipped into its past to leap forward. A talking tail certainly grabs your attention doesn\u2019t it? It\u2019s brilliant.\u201d<\/p>\n I had difficulty understanding what my tail was saying at first, mostly because I was focused on leaving Marie alone for too long. But I did try to consider if my tail was right. I thought I had a conscience. Didn\u2019t I?<\/p>\n I was standing in the middle of the men\u2019s room staring at the black-and-white tiled floor considering all of this when a tall guy in a tux came in. I coughed, and then bent over to tie my shoe so he\u2019d think he had walked in just as I realized it was untied — and not that he walked in while I was talking to my rear.<\/p>\n My tail continued, \u201cDon\u2019t say anything. Think about it. In the meantime, go back out there with Marie. Pick up where you were before I interrupted and finish your date. And, if she seems interested, give her a kiss goodnight. Tell her you had a great time and that you will call her tomorrow. But do not sleep with her tonight. As your conscience, I think that is the best course of action.\u201d<\/p>\n Sleep with her? I hadn\u2019t even considered that that would happen on this first date. I wanted to protest, but the tall guy was standing right beside me at a urinal. So, I finished re-tying my shoe and went back with Marie.<\/p>\n It took me a while to recover as I kept thinking about what my tail had said. Things seemed to be going well with Marie by the time we finished dessert.<\/p>\n And, I did what my tail told me. I didn\u2019t sleep with her. I called her the next day.<\/p>\n In the end, though, Marie dumped me. Or at least we didn\u2019t get to a second date. I think she sensed something was off with me. How could she not, with my tail interrupting my already weakened dating skills.<\/p>\n I was pissed. I was confused: a ripe moment to manipulate me. I was throwing a pile of my black socks into the washing machine in the basement of the apartment complex I live in. I was alone, kind of.<\/p>\n \u201cFuck off,\u201d I answered.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t mean that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know if I\u2019ve meant anything more than those two words right now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhatever. You\u2019ll get over it. Listen, what you need to do is call all of your past girlfriends and apologize to them.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI take back my previous statement. I mean this more than I\u2019ve ever meant anything: Fuck off.\u201d I slammed the washing machine door shut. It echoed off the concrete walls.<\/p>\n \u201cAs your conscience, I\u2019ll have you apologize to me later. In the meantime, I am going to insist you apologize to every woman you\u2019ve slept with or intended to sleep with.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOr what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve got some tracts about the history of evolution theory from a class you mostly slept through. I intend to scream them until you pick up the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd if I agree to this ludicrous idea, what am I apologizing to them about?\u201d I slipped four quarters into the slots of the machine\u2019s coin drawer.<\/p>\n \u201cFor dating them only to sleep with them, when they thought otherwise.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d Sure, don\u2019t most men want to have sex with the women they date? But I had assumed that I wanted more than that, too. Or did I tell myself that because I didn\u2019t have a conscience?<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s start with the only woman you\u2019ve actually slept with.\u201d<\/p>\n I shoved in the coin drawer, heard the water start to rush into the washer, and went back to my apartment. The phone rang about ten times. I was feeling relieved that there was no answering machine and apparently no one home when someone picked up and said \u201cHello.\u201d It was a female voice that immediately brought Helena\u2019s face back to my memory.<\/p>\n I paused.<\/p>\n \u201cDo it,\u201d my tail demanded.<\/p>\n \u201cHelena?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis is Ralph. Remember? We dated in college.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRalph? Yes. Why are you calling me?\u201d I thought I heard the high-pitched squeal of a child in the background.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not sure\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll help you this time,\u201d my tail interjected. \u201cHelena, I want to apologize.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHelena, I want to apologize.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFor what?\u201d<\/p>\n My tail said, \u201cI want to apologize for dating you with the sole goal of sleeping with you.\u201d<\/p>\n I repeated the statement.<\/p>\n \u201cWe never slept together,\u201d Helena countered. I heard her moving around, the child\u2019s squeals fading, then the sound of a door shutting.<\/p>\n \u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI said we never slept together.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I beg to differ — yes we did.\u201d<\/p>\n Helena\u2019s voice became very stilted \u2013- even more than it had been already.<\/p>\n \u201cListen, Ralph. I am a different person than you knew in college. I have cleansed myself of all of my past sins, including you. As far as having sexual relations with you \u2013- in regards to Jesus and me \u2013- it never happened. I am married. I have two children. And, up until two minutes ago, you didn\u2019t exist. Now, I\u2019d like it if you would return to non-existence.\u201d<\/p>\n She hung up.<\/p>\n \u201cThat went well\u2026\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t you feel better?\u201d my tail said. \u201cA good first step.\u201d Some of them hung up on me. Some seemed indifferent to my call. Some forgot who I was. None thanked me for apologizing.<\/p>\n It was about two weeks into this process when my tail decided to update the plan. This time I was in a grocery store, tossing a bag of nacho chips into a cart.<\/p>\n \u201cYou need to drive up and apologize to Helena in person.\u201d<\/p>\n I looked around — no one was nearby. I kept my voice low, just in case.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got to be kidding.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cListen, Ralph, I am putting you through a process of cleansing your improprieties. Believe me, as your conscience, if we don\u2019t do it now, you\u2019ll be wishing you had on your death-bed \u2013- where you\u2019ll be lying all alone, facing eternity with a load of guilt on your shoulders.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut why do we have to apologize to Helena in person? I thought it was enough to say it, regardless if the person accepted it or not.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure, that\u2019s true. But it all started with Helena, really. It is important that you clean away the roots. If you don\u2019t, all of this stuff will come back to haunt you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEither that or you will sing On the Origin of Species<\/em> to me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat could be arranged.\u201d Her house was a powder blue cape. A red SUV sat in the driveway. There was another set of tire tracks in the snow-cover that led up to an empty space beside it. Since it was around two in the afternoon on a Tuesday, I assumed her husband was at work.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, how will I do this?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s make sure she is home alone first. Then you go up to the front door, knock, and apologize. I\u2019ll walk you through it.\u201d<\/p>\n I saw shadows pass back and forth behind sheer white curtains in the downstairs windows.<\/p>\n We watched for a few minutes to be sure she was alone.<\/p>\n I considered the absurdity of my situation.<\/p>\n I had driven hundreds of miles, much of it in the snow, which I hate. I was now prepared to apologize, again, to a distant ex-girlfriend with the aid of a Cyrano de Bergerac-like talking tail.<\/p>\n I tried not to think about it too much, because it made me re-consider my sanity again.<\/p>\n I thought about the story of Cyrano de Bergerac though. His ability to romance women with words. His unattractive face. How Cyrano helps another man woo the woman Cyrano loves.<\/p>\n Helena suddenly appeared in an upstairs window with the curtains pulled back. She carried a load of laundry, which she dropped onto a bed and began to fold.<\/p>\n \u201cThere she is,\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n Helena looked more matronly than she did in college. Her face seemed to have widened a bit, as had her body in general. But even from across the street, over a yard and through a window, I could make out her thick dark hair and her long eye-lashed eyes. She was still beautiful. She was still alluring.<\/p>\n \u201cGo. Go for it. I\u2019ll tell you what to do,\u201d my tail sputtered.<\/p>\n Then it occurred to me: Cyrano. My tail\u2019s plan. Helena. How could I have been so stupid?<\/p>\n \u201cYou want me to get back with Helena, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you talking about? Go over there. Now\u2019s your chance to apologize to her.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. No. You\u2019ve brought me here so I — we, can sleep with her again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am your conscience. You must do what I say.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n It all made sense. My tail had constructed this whole situation so we could be with Helena. I had been duped. I had been manipulated — and all for the carnal pleasure of a vestigial tail.<\/p>\n I wasn\u2019t going to have it.<\/p>\n I started the car and drove away.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d My tail sounded a bit worried. \u201cCome on. Let\u2019s go back. So what if you know what I was doing. You know you want to have sex with her, too.\u201d<\/p>\n I said nothing. I kept driving.<\/p>\n \u201cAll right, all right. Listen, if you don\u2019t turn around now and go back, I am going to start singing On the Origin of Species<\/em> just like you said.\u201d<\/p>\n My plan was to drive straight home, only stop for gas, and not talk to my tail again. Let it wonder what I<\/em> was thinking. It was about time.<\/p>\n \u201cFine, then. Here I go: \u2018When we compare the individuals\u2026\u2019\u201d I changed my plan a bit. I was only going to use it for one chop.<\/p>\n We were still in Vermont on an empty road cutting through the mountains.<\/p>\n \u201cYou aren\u2019t serious.\u201d There was clear panic in its voice.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t respond. I pulled the car down a snowy dirt road into the woods.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t believe you would actually do it. The pain would be too intense.\u201d<\/p>\n I stopped the car and got out. I grabbed the axe and walked a few feet into the stark forest. The crunch of ice-covered snow under my shoes was the only sound — besides the increasingly panicked voice of my tail.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay. Maybe I went too far. We can forget Helena. I swear.\u201d<\/p>\n I stopped and undid my belt, then the button of my pants.<\/p>\n “What if you get an infection? You\u2019re no surgeon. You don\u2019t even know where the nearest hospital is. And what would you tell them anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n I dropped my pants and my boxers. The chill of winter air wafted around my legs.<\/p>\n “Stop. I am serious. Whatever you want me to do, I\u2019ll do it. I swear.”<\/p>\n I turned around and pulled the axe up. It was awkward to be twisted around as I was. But I thought with one swift stroke I could do it — quickly — one brief shock of pain. Then it would be over.<\/p>\n \u201cPlease?\u201d<\/p>\n I clenched the handle of the axe and squinted.<\/p>\n There was silence.<\/p>\n I waited, axe held high.<\/p>\n Nothing.<\/p>\n I dropped my arm and let the axe lay by my side.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you there?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n There was only the sound of a light breeze and the occasional crunch of snow falling from a tree limb.<\/p>\n My plan seemed to have worked.<\/p>\n I pulled up my pants, grabbed the axe and returned to my car. <\/br> I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s lying in wait or if its voice returned to wherever it came from. It took me awhile to let go of the feeling that it was going to suddenly chime in — especially when I started dating again.<\/p>\n Now I\u2019ve been dating a woman named Katherine for five months — a record for me. She asks me, occasionally, about my vestigial tail. Harmless questions such as \u201cWhat was it like growing up with it?\u201d and \u201cHow did other lovers react to it?\u201d I choose not to tell her much — even as we are lying in bed arm-in-arm after making love, which is when I am most tempted to tell her everything. I don\u2019t follow on the temptation, though. I am afraid my tail might take it as an invitation to speak up. Perhaps it remains silent because I am with someone and so it is, too \u2013- but I tend to think it was Helena, in particular, that it desired.<\/p>\n I tell Katherine that it has been weird having a tail and that I\u2019ll tell her all about it someday.<\/p>\n What I won\u2019t tell her, however, is that the axe in the trunk of my car is there for a specific reason. She thinks I keep it there for emergencies, like a tree blocking a road if we are ever out for a drive in the country.<\/p>\n The real reason I keep it there is for another type of emergency, one that I actually state out-loud while driving alone — just in case my tail is still aware, listening. by Russell Bradbury-Carlin I\u2019ve always tried to ignore the fact that I walk around with a small tail. It\u2019s been difficult at times. But, because I am not a nudist and my tail does not stick out from my forehead, … Continue reading
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\n\u201cOkay, here\u2019s what you need to do.\u201d my tail offered one day.<\/p>\n
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\nIt took me a few weeks to find Helena\u2019s phone number. Apparently, she had moved to Vermont, married some guy and taken his last name \u2013- Golder.<\/p>\n
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\nI called some of my other past girlfriends. I was pretty resentful of it.<\/p>\n
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<\/br>
\nThat is how I found myself sitting in my tiny black Toyota on the side of a snow-covered road in the middle of rural Vermont. It is also how I found myself spying — no, stalking — my ex-girlfriend Helena.<\/p>\n
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\nWe drove for about an hour and half when I realized that I couldn\u2019t take it anymore. My tail was clearly not going to stop singing. I could not take that husky voice warbling off-key in my ears for much longer. One of us had to stop this. And I certainly wasn\u2019t going to give-in to my tail.<\/p>\n
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\nThe axe only cost me three bucks. It was cheap, but new. I didn\u2019t need to get an expensive one since I didn\u2019t really care if it stayed sharp for a long time.<\/p>\n
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\nThe drive home took me six hours. I heard nothing. I began to feel that I was alone. I wasn\u2019t sure at first because it was something I hadn\u2019t felt in a long time. It was an odd mixture of emptiness and comfort. After a while though, I became so uneasy with the silence that I turned on the radio and listened to any station that had a talk-show. I didn\u2019t care what the subject was.<\/p>\n
\nI never heard from my tail again.<\/p>\n
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\nRUSSELL BRADBURY-CARLIN<\/strong> is a part-time writer living in Western MA. His stories and poetry have appeared in McSweeney\u2019s Internet Tendency, Rattle, Pindeldyboz, and Monkeybicycle amongst others. You can find him at russellbradburycarlin.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"