by Aidan Ryan
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\n\u201cOrder! Order! We must have order!\u201d The imposing figure banged heavily on the table and demanded silence from the babbling crowd.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow,\u201d he said, still standing, \u201cPlease, take your seats, and we may begin the meeting.\u201d<\/p>\n
The assembled beings did as they were told, albeit reluctantly, and a few lingering grumbles of discontent could be heard over the squeaking and groaning of chairs, the soft ruffle of cushions being adjusted, and the ever so quiet rustle and creak of bamboo mats.<\/p>\n
The figure at the head of the table looked down upon everyone gathered there. Truly, he, or she, was a marvelous sight to behold. Depending on who was looking, it<\/em> appeared differently. At times it was a tan, four-headed, four-armed man, constantly reciting strange prayers and usually eating something with a spoon. To others, it appeared as a blue-grey-skinned, four-armed being. To some it was a three-eyed, four-armed, yellow-skinned figure with a snake coiled around its neck. To still others it appeared as a form even stranger than the rest, indescribable by any language known to man\u2026 or god.<\/p>\n \u201cWould you stop all that shifting around?\u201d piped up a man farther down the table. \u201cI can\u2019t concentrate and you\u2019re giving me a headache.\u201d<\/p>\n The changeling creature shifted one last time into a red-skinned, axe-wielding (again, four-armed) elephant-man-beast and folded his arms (all four) across his large, elephantine stomach.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know it\u2019s not easy for me, Zeus.\u201d He grumbled in a low, booming voice, \u201cIt\u2019s involuntary, really.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d Zeus conceded, stroking his curly white beard. \u201cIs anyone else feeling a bit of a draft in here?\u201d he asked, changing the subject. He adjusted his toga against the cold. In truth, it was very cold on that desolate plain of extra-reality, an empty space in which the great table was situated, floating and yet stable, ethereal and yet existing in a way that was greater than mere reality. Below the table spun a spiral cloud, multi-colored and wonderful to behold, thread-like strands breaking off and then coming back to combine with others, forming thick ropes and weaving to create a repeating pattern. They were the threads of time.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I\u2019m feeling a bit cold,\u201d said the man next to Zeus, another bearded, toga-wearing deity. A trident was resting against his shoulder.<\/p>\n Across the table a dark skinned man with the head of a falcon raised his arms above his head and conjured up a flaming ball of light which blinded all at the table.<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019s this? Feeling warmer?\u201d he asked in an alien, clacking voice. Up and down the table those gathered at the meeting threw up their hands to shield their eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cDamn it, Ra, stop showing off!\u201d shouted one man.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s really not that impressive,\u201d said another.<\/p>\n \u201cEnough!\u201d shouted the elephant in the room. \u201cWe must get down to business! The clock is ticking away, you know, and at this pace we\u2019ll miss the deadline!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAlright, alright,\u201d muttered the collected beings.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are we talking about again?\u201d asked a strong, sharp featured man wearing a grandiose crown.<\/p>\n \u201cWould you please pay attention, Ahura?\u201d Zeus chided. \u201cJust once, try to stay on task.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI won\u2019t tolerate lip from you, young man!\u201d Ahura\u2019s face grew red with anger. \u201cI created the universe, you know!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I did!\u201d shouted a number of pagan gods in unison; they were a motley assortment of deities, ranging from a half-man, half-tiger god to a golden, bearded, and highly decorated patriarch wearing the sun for a crown.<\/p>\n \u201cRidiculous!\u201d shouted three identical men, also bearded (quite a popular trend in the divine realm) and clothed in cloth woven from the softest of clouds. \u201cWe did!\u201d Realizing they had all spoken at once they immediately began to fight amongst themselves.<\/p>\n \u201cWait just a second!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m the eldest, so it only makes sense that I made the universe!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re triplets! You\u2019re only older by a few thousand years.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYour worshipers are impure! They have strayed from the true faith!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh yeah? Well watch this!\u201d With that one of the triplets began to glow with an intense light and at his right and left sides, respectively, appeared a middle-aged, brown-haired man dressed in simple cloth attire and a white dove that may or may not have been on fire. \u201cHow do you like that<\/em> one?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou think you\u2019re so \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI AM<\/em> THE UNIVERSE!\u201d shouted the elephant, now changing so quickly from form to form that he became a blur of flying limbs and random utensils.<\/p>\n \u201cPlease,\u201d muttered a small man at the far end of the table, \u201cstop this bickering. We must, as you, Brahman, have so judiciously pointed out, stay on task.\u201d His quiet voice carried across the table and all the others gathered there fell silent and turned to look at this beautiful, diminutive figure. He sat cross-legged beneath a tree of some sort and was clad in an orange robe with gold trimmings. \u201cWe must decide what to do about the Apocalypse.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, you are quite right, Siddhartha,\u201d added a very old Asian man, practically swimming in an intricately patterned green robe. \u201cI might add that \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHold on a minute,\u201d one of the triplets interrupted. All eyes in the room darted between him and the man who had just spoken. The tension was palpable. \u201cWhy are you here?\u201d another of the triplets demanded.<\/p>\n The old man coughed and appeared quite disturbed.<\/p>\n \u201cA meeting of the gods was called, was it not? And I have come, just as I should, to offer my insights into the matter at hand.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut you\u2019re not a real god. You\u2019re just an old man.\u201d<\/p>\n The entire assembly gasped at once.<\/p>\n Across the table Thor leaned over to Odin and whispered, \u201cI\u2019ve been waiting for someone to break it to the old man for going on twenty-five hundred years. I never expected it would be Allah who finally told him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTell me about it,\u201d Odin replied. \u201cThat reminds me, now I owe Loki a drink.\u201d<\/p>\n Confucius \u2013 for the old man was indeed none other than the famous Chinese philosopher \u2013 stood up after a few painfully awkward seconds of gasping and making elaborate gestures.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I never\u2026 have been so insulted\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Now another old Chinese man, this one wearing a red robe, rose and walked over to the babbling Confucius.<\/p>\n \u201cCome on, we don\u2019t need them.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRight, Laozi.\u201d Together they turned their backs on the gods and walked away from the table, eventually disappearing into the dark void of existence.<\/p>\n The other members of the gathering breathed a collective sigh of relief.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, that was awkward,\u201d Brahman muttered. \u201cAnyway, perhaps now we can get down to business. We all know the story. Itzamna had to go and give his worshippers a calendar and this whole \u2018end of the world\u2019 thing got started.\u201d<\/p>\n At this, all of the gods gathered at the table turned to look disparagingly at the bird-like creature sitting at the far end, clacking its beak and squawking in indignation.<\/p>\n \u201cNow hold on,\u201d Brahman said, holding up all four of his arms for silence. \u201cIt\u2019s not just his fault. Jesus, it just so happens that some of your followers got it into their heads that the world was going to end with all your talk of Judgment Day and the \u2018Second Coming\u2019, and, let me tell you, that hasn\u2019t helped things at all. And Allah, Yahweh, you\u2019ve done nothing but confuse the whole matter even more. If the three of you could just get your stories straight\u2026\u201d Brahman paused and shook his massive head. \u201cI mean, you\u2019re brothers! Why you can\u2019t come up with a consistent theology is beyond me.<\/p>\n \u201cOdin, Thor,\u201d he continued, spinning to face the two armor-clad Norse gods, \u201cyour tall tales of a glorious and bloody Ragnarok have also contributed to the problem.\u201d Brahman turned to look back at the assembly. \u201cWhen you get down to it, we\u2019re all, every last one of us, complicit in the whole affair. It turns out that every religion on Earth has some inkling of an end of time, and now we\u2019ve got to decide what to do about it.\u201d<\/p>\n At once there was a great clamor, as all the gods raised their voices to offer their opinions above everyone else\u2019s.<\/p>\n \u201cQUIET!\u201d demanded Brahman, and after a few muted grumbles the gods resumed their seats in silence. \u201cNow, there are two sides to this debate, each with credibility and valid arguments. On one hand, we could ignore the prophecies completely. Just pretend like they never happened. The years will pass and, with the exception of a few nutjobs down there, the people of Earth will forget all about Doomsday. Of course, there are some problems with this. First of all, by ignoring our own revelations, we lose credibility. People may turn away from religion completely. Also, we have to deal with our counterparts down below.\u201d<\/p>\n At this, a sort of low rumble of displeasure echoed through the void. Gods left and right turned to their peers and shook their heads knowingly and in disgust.<\/p>\n \u201cYes,\u201d continued Brahman, \u201cHades and Loki and Satan and the Antichrist and even Harold are all getting restless down there, not to mention all the nasty beasts and things they\u2019ve conjured up. We could have a real problem on our hands if they up and decide to end the world on their own.\u201d<\/p>\n Again, murmurs of \u201cyea\u201d and \u201cnay\u201d rippled across the table.<\/p>\n \u201cNow, on the other hand, we could go ahead with it and wipe out humanity.\u201d Brahman paused, and at once the crowd fell into fierce debate, with much name-calling and finger-pointing.<\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d Brahman said, holding up his arms, \u201cthere are conflicting views on how exactly this is to be done. We have to balance catastrophic natural disasters and man-made suffering with both an epic battle of gods and men and the coming of a New Jerusalem.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo, what?\u201d Isis interrupted. \u201cIs humanity supposed to be wiped out or just relocated?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, that\u2019s all part of the problem,\u201d Brahman admitted. \u201cWe just can\u2019t seem to get our stories straight. Not to mention the conflicting views on the afterlife. If there\u2019s an end of the world, my whole religion\u2019s shot to hell, literally. So much for reincarnation. And if we don\u2019t allow reincarnation, heaven will just be too full of people. Seven billion, flooding the pearly gates all at once. Peter isn\u2019t going to be too happy. And what about Satan, Hades and Osiris? They\u2019re going to want a share too.<\/p>\n \u201cNot to mention, with the Earth gone we\u2019d lose our only source of entertainment. Would we start over again from scratch? Maybe give the dinosaurs a fighting chance this time?\u201d<\/p>\n Everyone turned to Ahura Mazda. It had been his idea to kill off the dinosaurs in the first place.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d he asked. \u201cThey had a few million years, more than the humans have had. And they weren\u2019t very interesting to watch.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, yeah,\u201d Mercury muttered.<\/p>\n \u201cI suppose you\u2019re right,\u201d Allah agreed.<\/p>\n \u201cCan\u2019t argue with that,\u201d Athena admitted.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, anyway,\u201d said Brahman, retaking control of the discussion, \u201cnow we must decide what to do: destroy the Earth, or forget the whole damn thing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, do we have to choose?\u201d Allah asked, with an innocent shrug. \u201cMaybe we could just kill off the infidels.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGoddamnit, Allah, you know there\u2019s no such thing as infidels! We\u2019re all here, aren\u2019t we?\u201d his older brother chided.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, sorry. I guess you\u2019re right. I just can\u2019t help but blame the infidels.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut what about the atheists? We could just kill all the atheists,\u201d Jesus suggested.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I suppose\u2026\u201d Brahman mused.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah!\u201d Poseidon exclaimed.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t see why not,\u201d Ahura said.<\/p>\n This new idea seemed to electrify the table with new energy. The gods began to stand up and stretch, flex their muscles and demonstrate their powers in vibrant displays of noise and light.<\/p>\n \u201cThose atheists think they\u2019re so damn smart!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTo see the looks on their faces\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo! We must forgo all violence!\u201d shouted a naked Indian man.<\/p>\n The table fell silent. Siddhartha had spoken up again. The soft-skinned, elegant man said very little, but when he did speak up everyone knew that it was wise to listen.<\/p>\n \u201cPerhaps there is another option we have overlooked.\u201d<\/p>\n At this the gods muttered amongst themselves \u2013 \u201cWhat could we have overlooked? What did we miss?\u201d \u2013 but quieted down almost immediately when the man held up his hand for silence.<\/p>\n \u201cThere is a path that could allow us to forestall Doomsday and avoid a mass departure from religion.\u201d<\/p>\n The void was so quiet, one could have heard a pin drop, if, that is, there had been anything to drop it on. The thin, cross-legged man gazed slowly around the table, fixing each of his esteemed colleagues in the eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cWe could show them the aliens.\u201d<\/p>\n All at once the table erupted into violent commotion. Cries of joy, outrage and amazement burst forth from a multitude of mouths.<\/p>\n \u201cPlease,\u201d resumed Siddhartha, raising his voice just slightly, \u201chear me out. They are coming close to finding them anyway.\u201d Now the din slowly faded, the gods fully realizing that what Buddha said was true. The humans were coming dangerously close to finding the aliens on their own. \u201cIt is only a matter of time. I suggest we help them. Drop some clues, fix a broken satellite here and there. The aliens have developed roughly the same religions as those practiced on Earth, so that would solve the problem of the irreligious, and it would reverse the trend of slowly declining faith in all of our people.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut what about Hell?\u201d asked Brahman, a bit peeved at Buddha always stealing his thunder. \u201cWe still have to deal with them<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n Siddhartha folded his arms, hiding his hands away in his flowing silk sleeves.<\/p>\n \u201cWe will have to face our enemies below no matter what choice we make today. This much is true. The end of the world will not happen on our reckoning, and it will, when it comes, resemble all that we have mentioned: catastrophic acts of nature, man-made destruction, and a battle of gods and men, side by side. The only variable is the outcome. If we win, a new age will dawn. Utopia for mankind will be achieved and Heaven and Earth will be united. If we lose, mankind will be destroyed and demons will inhabit the burnt-out shell of Earth. We have but one option. We must prepare for war.\u201d<\/p>\n The gods nodded to each other in grim silence. Suddenly, the ethereal plane of existence seemed a little colder, a little darker. What Buddha said was true. There was only one choice.<\/p>\n \u201cAll in favor of Buddha\u2019s proposition, say aye<\/em>,\u201d commanded Brahman from the head of the table.<\/p>\n \u201cAye!\u201d said Brahman.<\/p>\n \u201cAye!\u201d said Eric Clapton.<\/p>\n \u201cAYE!\u201d cried the rest in unison.<\/p>\n \u201cThen it is decided,\u201d Brahman said, and sat back down. \u201cWe have a good two thousand years or so before any of this happens. Spirits, bring out the cigars and brandy!\u201d<\/p>\n Dutifully, hazy white, possibly winged little things floated out of the emptiness carrying a humidor, decanter, and several stout glasses. Gods are gods, after all, and they\u2019ll live like gods too. by Aidan Ryan \u201cOrder! Order! We must have order!\u201d The imposing figure banged heavily on the table and demanded silence from the babbling crowd. \u201cNow,\u201d he said, still standing, \u201cPlease, take your seats, and we may begin the meeting.\u201d The … Continue reading
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\nAIDAN RYAN<\/strong> is a seventeen year old high school student from Buffalo, New York. He is convinced he will one day be portrayed by Johnny Depp in the biopic of his life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"