\n\u2013 \u201cYou Can Look (But You Better Not Touch),\u201d Bruce Springsteen<\/div>\n
<\/br> We were sitting in the food court at the mall when she made this observation.\u00a0A short, pudgy guy, probably twenty years old, was standing in line with his mother, trying to buy a slice of pepperoni from Sbarro.\u00a0His mother was even shorter than him, top-heavy, looked a little bit like Yoda.<\/p>\n Out of nowhere Darley said, \u201cI\u2019d like to sleep with him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho?\u201d I asked, looking around for a long-haired, tall, tattooed hunk.<\/p>\n She pointed to the pudgy guy.\u00a0\u201cThat one.\u00a0I bet he\u2019s loaded below the belt.\u201d<\/p>\n Then she explained her theory.<\/p>\n I asked, \u201cHave any of your boyfriends had mothers with big boobs?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, have any of your boyfriends had big dicks?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot a one,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n \u201cThat doesn\u2019t prove anything then.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt doesn\u2019t prove I\u2019m wrong either.\u00a0Look here.\u201d\u00a0She pointed with her pinky.\u00a0\u201cSee his zipper.\u00a0That bulge ain\u2019t exactly there for nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat isn\u2019t his dick.\u00a0That\u2019s the way jeans are sewn.\u00a0They always stick out right there.\u201d<\/p>\n She raised her eyebrows.\u00a0\u201cNot like that they don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n I scooted my chair out and stood up, straightening my pants.<\/p>\n \u201cHere, look at my jeans.\u00a0See the bulge?\u201d<\/p>\n She looked below my waist, smiled and raised her shoulders.<\/p>\n I looked down.\u00a0The bulge was missing.<\/p>\n \u201cNo way,\u201d I said.\u00a0\u201cIt must have disappeared when I smoothed out my pants.\u00a0See?\u201d\u00a0I bunched them up so the bulge reappeared.<\/p>\n She raised her shoulders again and continued watching the pudgy guy.<\/p>\n I sat back down and thought for a moment.\u00a0My mother wears an A cup. Suddenly, I\u2019m embarrassed. by Adam Lucas Yesterday I went shopping, buddy, down to the mall \u2013 \u201cYou Can Look (But You Better Not Touch),\u201d Bruce Springsteen My best friend, Darley, is a red headed girl with nipple piercings and ankle tattoos.\u00a0She has this … Continue reading
\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.jerseydevilpress.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/sbarro.jpg\" "\\"Food")
<\/a>My best friend, Darley, is a red headed girl with nipple piercings and ankle tattoos.\u00a0She has this theory that a man\u2019s penis size directly correlates to the bra size of his mother.\u00a0I think Darley must have been breast-fed as a child.<\/p>\n
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\nADAM LUCAS<\/strong> is a full-time writer in search of a brilliant literary agent for his redneck thriller, The Highway-Song Holy-Roller Lovesick Rebellion<\/em>.\u00a0He spends his free time moderating the Writer\u2019s Digest forums, wrenching on rusted cars and dancing with his beautiful wife.\u00a0In real life, his mother doesn’t wear an A cup.\u00a0He just wanted to be sure everyone knew that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"