Formula Romance

by Caru Cadoc



Rolling out of Los Angeles, Steven imagined his arrival as a scene in a romance comedy:  Noticing unavailable on her caller I.D., Gala asks where hes calling from.  He replies look outside, and from her window she sees him hanging up the phone in the street below.

He turned back to The Times to distract himself.  There was only a small story about the flurries—covering a protest of the new petal incinerator in Inglewood.

Rev. Jones shouted through a bullhorn, The neighborhoods in which our Caucasian brethren reside, he mentioned Santa Monica, Westwood and Culver City, have not a single incinerator among them! Now we got two!”…

At first, when the flurries still dominated the news, reporters had rushed out in heavy gusts to be filmed with backdrops of whirling pink.  Breaking footage of the first storm was seared into the collective memory.  Reviewing quarterly reports at Kaufman Property Management, Steven had noticed people gathering at the break-room television and followed, fearing a terrorist attack.  Everyone had crowded the windows to see them flutter down like mammoth pink snowflakes.

When the news agencies realized the phenomenon was global, people wondered if they blew in from outer space—somehow surviving the atmospheric incinerations of other debris.  Transmissions to orbiting astronauts were not returned, the reception presumably lost.

Weeks later, rumors spread that the international space station was due to run out of food.  In a press conference, a disheveled scientist mechanically read, “It is true a mission to the space station is not currently feasible due to transmission conditions, but deployed astronauts have enough supplies to last years.”  He didn’t elaborate or take questions—leaving as reporters shouted, “How many years?”

Steven still occasionally saw, standing in the line at Vons, tabloids pronouncing:  Flurries or Furies? Astronauts Presumed Dead.

He was amazed at how fluidly everyone had returned to their daily routines.  The morning after the first flurry, the president addressed the nation saying the world’s best scientists were working around the clock.  Eyes gently skimming the teleprompter, he highlighted the emergency priorities of keeping roads clear and ensuring no one, especially the elderly in rural areas, were trapped in their homes, emphasizing everyone’s responsibility for their own loved ones and neighborsWe are working with local governments to retrofit snowplows and pick-up trucks into street sweepers.  More information will be forthcoming as the situation develops. Thank you and God bless America.

Apart from his old USC roommate, Nick, showing up at his door in a petal inspired frenzy, normalcy returned.  Steven went back to watching Monday Night Football (Zamboni like carts raking the fields during half-time, the bestial athletes sporting pink smears on their uniforms), back to helping LLCs squirm through tax loopholes at Kaufman, back to awkward dates across white tablecloths and baskets of Italian bread.

Then, six months into the flurries and less than a week after Nick signed him up for Facebook, in the avalanche of messages from forgotten acquaintances was a friend-request from Gala.  The Gala.  She had wanted to be an artist and he’d fallen hard for the acrylic smears on her jeans.  Fallen hard, after her mother died sophomore year, for the sexually mythic aura of teenagers with dead parents.  Fallen hard for her dark humor about it, for gleefully pulling the “dead-mom card” to convince him to join her for movies he didn’t want to see.  But when he summoned the courage for a confession she had said, under wincing half-Chinese eyes, that she only wanted to be “amazing friends.”

So, the message with the request read, who are you these days?

That was Gala.  Shift one letter of one word and revolutionize a cliché.

He clicked accept, knowing she’d be able to see the phone number on his profile.  She called the next night.

After the laughter and mutual professions of how weird it was to hear each other again, he learned she was still in Chicago, living in a loft and “playing the starving artist.”  He could hear her smile through the line.  He was “an accountant, a total sellout, I admit it,” and she replied with wonderful, shameless laughter: “I knew it!  I totally knew it!”

Soon they were talking everyday about their lives, routines, past relationships.  Gala was waitressing for her day job.  Her current project was a collage called Raining Men. It took the oldies hit literally with men falling from the sky, splattering on the street in comedic bloody gore, women stepping out of stores with designer bags and avoiding the brains and entrails on the concrete.  She spent her free time in the Harold Washington archives finding photos from wars and catastrophes to use for the corpses.  Keeping the conversation off the banalities of his cubical, Steven brought up his eccentric friend Nick—who had moved to Antioch after college but saw the petal storms as a life affirmation, packed up his car, and drove back to act.

“He wants Hollywood?” Gala disgustedly, delightedly sneered.

He remembered her contagious excitement.  On his seventeenth birthday she’d taken him to his favorite Italian restaurant and gasped at the menu.  White sauce, she looked over the rim with wide, excited eyes.  I havent had white sauce in forever. Im definitely having the Chicken Alfredo.  She dropped the menu with dramatic flair.

“Nick corrects people who say he’s trying to make it,” Steven went into his deep imitation of Nick’s voice, “I just wanna see the scene.”

“Ah,” she replied.  “Not pursue, peruse.

At thirty-two, with no acting experience, even that had seemed unlikely.  But Nick was finding work as an extra, making enough money since he slept in Steven’s living room—even bringing home girls he’d met on set.  Steven left out the argument they’d had about sex on the leather couch.  He didn’t want to seem yuppie to her.

“His new thing’s planning a drive to Tijuana.  He read about Kerouac massaging Mexican prostitutes and wants to go buy time with one to give her a massage.”

“You live with this guy?  You’re crazy!”  Her voice was wonderfully shocked, suggesting his own eccentric bravado for living with such a nut.

Steven segued into whether she was living with anyone.

Just a roommate.  He mentioned the Relationship Status on her profile had read In a Relationship.  She explained she was seeing a guy casually but wasn’t “diving-in.”

“Or even wading in,” she quickly added.  “Just a shallow bath to wash off my ex.”

Gala Lee has changed her relationship status to: Its Complicated.

Three weeks later, the night fading to morning, their conversation fading to silence and neither initiating the hang up, she said, “I wish you were here.”


***



Toasting a bagel for breakfast, Steven asked if surprising her in Chicago, just showing up, would be romantic or creepy.

“Creepy?” Nick asked through a half-chewed mouthful of microwave mozzarella stick. “You got to!  Petals are falling from the fucking sky!

He said the petal line daily.  Like the storms themselves, its romance had been faded by constant exposure.  Still, Nick’s flower-induced joi de vie was infectious.  Steven had felt it, and chomped at the bit of his own life, but until now had no goal to chase with the Zen-like focus Nick threw into extra-ing and women.

The train ride would take just under two days.  Since satellite communications were generally blocked by the unpredictable flurries, traffic control routed air travel through landlines prior to flights.  The cost skyrocketed—far too high for anyone but business execs, the military and entertainment elites.  A renaissance of train travel blossomed.

He was secretly giddy for days.  He knew he didn’t know her now but lamented the stagnation of his past five years.  He wanted to charge into her with the refreshed recklessness of what Nick called “neo-youth”:  the refined carefree abandon some geriatrics return to, cleansed of the arrogant-insecure pendulum of “rough-draft youth.”

“Don’t scream my name when you fuck her,” Nick joked, dropping him off at the station—the same line he used whenever Steven left for a date.

“I’ll do my best.”


***



The train was delayed and it was already past midnight when Steven’s Audi pulled up outside her place.  He tended to rent a Lexus on vacations but still worried about seeming yuppie.  There was no payphone outside her building for romance comedy fantasies.  But across the intersection was one of the new booths, installed after the flurries effectively killed cellular reception.  She might see a figure hanging up the phone inside if the petals didn’t pick up.  He called—no answer.  He returned to the Audi and watched the building’s front door under the washed out fluttering streetlight, turning the car on occasionally to wipe off the gently gathering foliage.

“Here,” he remembered her saying, during the last week they had hung out before he left for college, grabbing his hand and leading him through the glass doors of a Crate and Barrel.

“Excuse me,” she asked the sales clerk.  “We’re looking for a barrel.”

“A what?”

“One of those big wooden barrels.  The kind monks keep wine in.”

“We don’t carry barrels.”

“Any crates?”

The lady, seeing the game, turned her back on the pair while pointing, “Only the white ones over there.”

So Gala, Steven had written in his effusive teenage diary later that day, stroked her pale porcelain chin skeptically.  Laying a hand politely on the clerks back she says, Id like to speak with your manager please.

At the time they thought it was hilarious.  He’d written that she was a guerilla performance artist battling gentrification.  But four years later, working at the front desk of a USC dormitory, Steven was confronted by a freshman in a frat shirt with a tank-topped girl in pajama pants, freshly curled hair, and make-up.     “The so called ‘bathrooms,’” the frat boy raised an eyebrow theatrically, “only have showers.  No baths.  But this official dorm brochure, here on page fifteen,” he laid the pamphlet on the desk, “refers to them, in writing, as ‘bathrooms.’”  He pointed to the word. “Technically, that’s false advertising.  And I demand,” he paused and stifled a smirk as the girl giggled, “my bath.”

Steven had immediately remembered and empathized with the woman Gala mocked years before.  Luckily, Nick was working that shift too and fielded the question.

“Dude, are you telling me you have no better way of trying to get laid than dragging this poor chick here and pulling this boring shit?  That’s pathetic.  Go sneak in some beer or something.”

Sitting in the Audi at thirty-three, fourteen years after bowing to his mother’s pressure and changing majors from digital cinema to public finance, on the Number Crunchers accounting team of Kaufman’s interdepartmental softball league, Steven realized he now identified with the Crate and Barrel manager who’d threatened to call the police if they didn’t “leave immediately,” and snorted to himself.


***



He checked his watch: 1:21.  He wondered where she was.  In her apartment, ignoring his calls, in bed with the guy?  On a date?  On her way home with someone? His mind launched into second tier fantasies of his reactions.  If another man showed up he’d just drive back to the train.  Then again, maybe she was gone because she just had a death in the family.  Maybe she would wear pajamas on the couch and nestle her tear-streaked face into his engulfing arm.

Even from across the street he recognized the walk.  She bounced on her toes like a little kid.  Alone.

He waited ten minutes before calling.


***



“Look out your window.”

“What?”

“Look out over Wolcott.  Across the intersection.”

“I don’t have a window that looks onto Wolcott.  I live on the other side of the building.”

“Fuck,” Steven smiled.  “Then just come down and let me in.”

Her arms thrown around his neck, he felt on his temple her cheeks were flexed into a smile through her kiss.

After the “tour of my chateau” – scratched hardwood floors and naked brick walls – she took him out a window to the flattop roof of a lower building.

“My balcony,” she smiled, picking up a half buried broom and sweeping a small spot free of petals.  “I sit on the ground so much all the asses of my jeans are stained.  It’ll start a trend.  Abercrombie and Fitch’ll smear pink paint on the butts of their jeans to stay hip with the kids.”

The petals.  The humid August night.  And Gala.

“Speaking of kids—I thought you’d have some by now,” she said, brushing petals from the short black spikes of her hair.  Her boyish haircut was countered by the mascara, the curves under her tank top, the blue denim stretching tight on her thighs still smeared with paint.

“Always took you for a romantic.”

“Fuck babies,” Steven said.  Gala grinned as he smiled—he was quoting a rant she had given him back in high school.

“All they do is eat and shit and,” he noticed the grin wasn’t toward him, but out into the sky, “cry and piss and drool.  They’re like old people.”

She nodded nostalgically.

Nick, in an impassioned rant, announced every conversation is a child of the participants—from conception to untimely or miserably drawn out death.  Steven, sitting on the roof as she changed the subject from one mutual acquaintance to another, watching the contours of the conversation develop like a teenage body—looked solidly at Gala’s eyes as he spoke, as she spoke, and in the silences.  But her eyes kept moving.  To the sky, him, the roof, the light of a window, darting around as she talked like he was her brother.  In the absence of a returned glance, he noticed in the light from her window the delicate crow’s feet slicing tiny rays into the corners of her restless eyes.

Even late into the night, when—telling himself he had nothing to lose and everything to gain—he really looked at her, she really didn’t look back and everything was embarrassingly clear.  Then she casually and tragically asked, “So what brings you out to Chicago anyway?”

“The wedding of a an old buddy from college.”  He had preplanned the lie for an emergency.

She nodded.

“What are you thinking?” he asked during a conversational lull, fantasizing she would, with typical gallantry or perhaps a last ditch effort (maybe she was just nervous all along), reply wondering when youll kiss me.

“About the stars,” she said.  “I miss them. You never see good stars anymore.  Not that Chicago had clear nights before all this, but I liked seeing some stars.”

She shrugged.

Stephen tried to put this decelerating escapade in the same reflective light.  He remembered another of Nick’s rants:  that Life is God raping you.  You can squirm under the thrusting and anthropomorphize, orient, sanctify or despise, cry like an abused lover or even get bohemian and decide that if you’re getting raped anyway you might as well enjoy it.  But ultimately you’re getting raped.  He was powerless to make Gala want to give form and texture to the half-kiss festering in his mouth, sinking down to his chest and, robbed of its own potential, brooding like a ghetto teenager in prison.

Realizing he was comparing kisses to fetuses and impoverished teenage convicts, he decided it was time to leave.

Gala was still looking off into the huge quivering shadow.  Steven imagined watching the scene on a Depression era silver screen—Gala looking dreamily into the gusts, him looking the same direction with wide, exasperated eyes.

“Well,” he stood and shook his pants to clear the stray petals, “it’s getting late.  I should check into my hotel.”  The night, the roof, the girl—it was all a bad dramatic sequel to an anticlimactic teenage soap opera.

He watched the clasp of her black bra under the back of the white tank top in the low light while she stood up.  She said hurriedly, as though she’d been planning to say this and now seized the imperfect moment as a final chance, “Ask your friend Nick if a petal storm is any more phenomenal than snow.”

He could see she was fishing for a parting smile or a comment of what an interesting thought that was and to spite her he only replied, “Okay.”

They wiped the crushed petals off their shoes on a welcome mat under the windowsill.  Hugging in the doorway, she told him to call for lunch before he left town.  He smiled, agreed and drove straight to the train station.


***



Waking slowly in his seat the next morning, Steven stretched his back and looked out the train window.  Hundreds of Latinos waded the fields with snow blowers billowing tiny clouds of pink in front of them to save the crops.  Petals drizzled down from the vast Nebraskan sky.  He remembered sitting on the steps of Whitney Young with Gala in a snow flurry.  She had insisted they eat lunch outside because, “Jagged little shards of water are fluttering from the sky!”  He refused but she shamelessly smiled, “I’m pulling the dead-mom card.  Vamos.”

Looking up, she said, “They’re so unique and anonymous.”

Steven bit into his sandwich, one side of his body warm, pressed against hers.

“That one,” she pointed with her red mitten as though he could make out the one she meant, “is named Roderick.”

He bunched a half-chewed chunk of ham and cheese into the side of his mouth, “Roderick?”

“Isn’t that a great name for a snowflake?” dimples pushed into her pale Asian cheeks.  “Your turn.”

“That one,” he stifled a smile through his full mouth, “is named Snowflake.”

It was then, when she made a playful gargoyle face at him the in cold, scrunching up her cheeks and sticking out her tongue, that he had realized he loved her.


***



Steven summarized the trip to Nick with a shrug.

“It’s a sign!” Nick stabbed a finger in the air, pulling his rusted Corolla out of the train station parking lot.  “To Mexico!  The hookers await our massage!”

Steven nodded.

“Cheer up!”  Nick smiled.  “Petals are falling from the fucking sky!”


Sigourney Weaver Stole My Shadow

by Craig Wallwork



Just by talking to him on the phone, you could tell Douglas was fat. His words were muffled, trapped under the weight of a heavy tongue and suffocated between plump cheeks the size of crab apples. When I told him about how my baby daughter had banged her head, I could hear him wheezing through a few vowels. Sometimes the wheezing would just stop, and I’d call out to the static silence if he were okay. He always was, but you never know with fat people. He asked me to elucidate on why I was calling, but it came out sounding like ejaculate. I swear to God, the guy looked he’d swallowed a church bell and said words you only find in Jane Austen novels. So I did – elucidate, that is. I told Douglas that after she banged her head, I tried making my daughter laugh. I thought it would be funny to make shadow puppets; you know, a duck, a crocodile, a bird. It was a distraction, a poor attempt at magic to end my daughter’s tears. I closed all the curtains and had my wife shine a torch behind my hands. That’s when I realised something was wrong.

I went outside and stood with the sun behind me. Expecting to see a long black silhouette across the pavement, a wiry and menacing clone of myself, I found instead an old cigarette box and a dog turd, curled and sleeping like a brown snake. I called my wife to bring out my daughter, and I held her up against the sun. Nothing. And all the while she kept on crying. I watched people walk by, the joggers, the young professionals and teenagers talking into tiny plastic phones. Not one of them cast a shadow.

Douglas said he would go outside and check on his. I figured if anyone could dim the world, it would be Douglas. Five minutes later he rang back. It was a bright day, a clear sky. The pavements should have been congested with shadows. But Douglas said there were none to be found. It was a real “conundrum”, he said. I rang a few more friends, and after going through the same conversation, they too were the same as Douglas and I. Except for my friend Blake.

A couple of nights ago he had waked in the night needing a piss. Blake was a jittery type of guy at the best of times. He had a nervous habit of biting his nails. He would talk to you and then spit out a piece of fingernail every third or fourth sentence. Sometimes a piece would hit you in the face, or land on your lip. It got so bad his fingers would bleed and he had to wear gloves in the house. Blake went on to say he heard someone breathing behind him while in the bathroom. But when he turned around, there was no one there. He went back to bed and kept his bedside lamp on, and few minutes later, he heard the breathing again, real close to his face. He said their breath smelt like pickles. At the side of his bed was a baseball bat with the word, “ass-kicker” written on in pen. When he went and grabbed it the floorboards creaked around him. Next to his ear he heard someone whisper, “You don’t deserve it.” After that his legs were shaking like a shitting dog. Blake swung the bat, knocking his lamp off the table. He heard someone yell out in pain, and there on the floor lay a tall, thin figure clutching the end of his shadow. Blake said the person looked like Sigourney Weaver going through chemotherapy. To scare her off, he began jumping on the bed, shaking his bat and making all kind of crazy noises, and it must have worked too because Sigourney let go of his shadow and vanished into a darkened corner of the room. Since then, Blake had been sleeping with the light off. I told this to Douglas, and he said something strange, like “Extraordinary,” but really it was straight up weird.

Douglas and I agreed to stay over at Blake’s place that night so that we might catch Sigourney and get our shadows back. I brought a lump hammer, and Douglas brought a ham sandwich. We sat all night in a room lit by candles, drinking German beer, whispering about stuff that we used to get up to as kids. When all that got a little boring we began talking about girls we had kissed and girls we would have liked to kiss and then without any warning Douglas let out a cry. He said something had brushed past him, something cold. Blake spat out a huge piece of fingernail and announced he could smell pickles. We all turned mute, trying to listen for her breathing, but we couldn’t hear shit because Douglas began eating his sandwich. When Blake got up to look around, I watched how his shadow followed him. It was a good shadow, dark and a good likeness to Blake. I couldn’t help but feel envious when I looked at the wall behind me and saw nothing there but a poster of Reservoir Dogs. I was about to tell Blake how great his shadow was when all hell broke loose, although Douglas, when recounting to a few of our friends later that week, called it “pandemonium.” Blake had seen Sigourney lurking under his bed and grabbed her by the hands. Douglas and I jumped up, knocking over tables and beer bottles. In the panic I forgot to grab the lump hammer. It was too dark to begin hunting around for it, so I helped Blake pull Sigourney out from under the bed and jammed the remains of Douglas’s sandwich in her mouth. Douglas wasn’t happy about that so he pinched Sigourney’s nipple, or so he said. But that was made up because she had no nipples. In fact, when we finally allowed her to sit up, we saw that Sigourney wasn’t really a woman, or even a man. I don’t know what she was. Douglas said she was androgynous, but Blake and I didn’t know what that meant so we just agreed and said she probably was a robot.

Blake wanted to know why she was stealing his shadow, and in a really quiet voice, Sigourney replied, “Because you don’t deserve it”. Blake reminded Sigourney he had had the shadow all his life, but she said the shadow was rightly hers, and all she was doing was reclaiming it back. Sigourney told us that when we’re born we have no shadow, and it’s her responsibility to sew them into a baby’s skin while they sleep. I asked if that was why babies cry in the night, because when my baby daughter was born she cried a lot in the night and we didn’t know what the hell was wrong with her. Sigourney said babies cry, and that it had nothing to do with her because she was very careful not to hurt the baby. It all sounded like bollocks to me, but Blake wanted to know why she was reclaiming back all the shadows she’d created. Sigourney said she planned on sewing every person’s shadow together to make a veil that would block out the sun. She planned on covering the world in the veil so day would always be night. Without any light, no crop would grow and people would grow hungry and die. Douglas said he wasn’t far off from doing just that having lost his sandwich. But Sigourney was talking about the end of mankind, or something pretty damn close.

I suggested we put her in a box, seal the lid and then dump her bony arse in the river, but Douglas wanted to know why she was hell-bent on annihilation (Douglas’s word, not mine). In the past, shadow making was easy. Sigourney said she would dig a hole, scoop out the darkness from within it, and then fashion it using scissors. She’d been doing it forever, but recently her back had begun to ache and her hands were all calloused because of the digging. Her boss, a grumpy old geezer who lived someplace between this world and the next, had hired a new guy to assist Sigourney, some young spunk that could dig bigger holes a lot faster than Sigourney. It was only a matter of time before the new guy took over and she was made redundant. Seems there’s not that many jobs going for a shadow maker these days, least not an old one. She was a victim of change, and now, because she was a bit slow, a bit old, they were getting rid of her. We couldn’t blame her for being pissed. Blake and I agreed that to avoid the end of the world, we’d help Sigourney dig her holes, that way her boss would see how good she was, and allow her to stay on. We had to talk Douglas around to the idea, saying that it might be a good way to drop a few pounds.

Every night we went out and dug up big chunks of the land. We started in our back gardens, and when they got full of holes we moved onto the local park. Sigourney would come along after each dig and scoop out enough blackness to make a new shadow. It was pretty tiring work, so we asked our families and friends to help. And when they found out why we were doing it, and how we were digging to save the world, they asked their friends to help, and before long there were hundreds of us, all around the country digging holes. To show her thanks, Sigourney gave us all back our shadows. My wife and baby daughter got theirs too, and I was finally able to make shadow puppets and make my daughter laugh.

Every night we dug and dug, because part of us wanted to help save the world and Sigourney’s job, but really we were getting to know new people and making friends. We were happy, and a community once again. Soon a hundred people became a thousand, and a thousand became several thousand. People posted pictures on Facebook of us all digging, and soon word spread around the world and everyone who was ever lonely or scared came out of their houses and dug holes. The sale of spades and trowels went through the roof and lots of people got rich, and factories had to hire more workers to keep up with the demand. We were heroes, and every night we dug and dug and Sigourney kept making those shadows.

Then it changed.

One day a news channel reported a death. A small girl was on a field trip, picking honeysuckle and dandelions from nearby woods when she fell into a hole. That same day the police reported a rise in missing people. The media blamed all the holes, saying people were falling into them. The government put a ban on digging, and told the police to issue fines to anyone found with a shovel in their possession. A few people stopped digging and returned to their normal lives, but some rebelled and began protesting against the ban. They campaigned against what Douglas called an “oppressive establishment.” They stopped digging for Sigourney and began digging for basic human rights. They dug wherever there was soft ground, in the fields and meadows, the coppices and the moorlands. Every hamlet, cul-de-sac, byway and highway had holes, and before we knew it, no one could walk on soft ground because they feared they’d fall in. It got so bad in some places that people had to stay at home, and jobs were lost. A big construction company near where I lived couldn’t build new houses because the foundations were riddled, and one Sunday morning during Mass, a whole congregation had to be evacuated because the church they were in began to fall apart around them. Soon all the churches began to crumble and people were told to pray at home and God would come save us all. But he didn’t. He sent a lot of rain that lasted a week, but this meant the holes filled up with water, which meant people were now drowning too.

You would wake up one morning and a building would be there. The next morning it would be gone, sunk into the ground. The news and radio channels began to report that no crop could be yielded because nothing could grow in the holes. And despite this, the activists kept on digging because they didn’t want the government to win. One day I turned on the television and radio and there was nothing but a black screen and empty silence. I rang Douglas and Blake, but all the lines were dead. The earth became unstable and soon schools and hospitals began to lean because of subsidence. Animals began to disappear which lead to the meat famine, and because there were no cows, there was no milk for the babies to drink. We all got sick with hunger and really tired because we spent most of the time trying to keep our houses from falling into the ground. It wasn’t safe to go to the hospital, and no doctor could get to us because the roads were not safe to drive on. The government tried to fill in the holes, but they had to remove earth from some other place and that made even bigger holes.

Those of us still alive decided it was safer to live in the holes. We made timber struts from banister rails and bedplates, and propped them against the sides to stop the earth from collapsing around us. We removed carpet, laid it on the soft damp ground, and threw mattresses down to sleep on. We lowered our starving families into the ground and promised them someone would come and save us.

Now we’re living in those holes, where everything smells of death, and I hear my daughter crying and all I want to do is make a shadow puppet to make her laugh again, but it’s so damn dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face. As her sobbing succumbs to exhaustion, I hear my wife ask me why I brought on the end of the world, and no matter how many times I keep telling her I was only trying to save it, she just doesn’t care anymore. No one does.






CRAIG WALLWORK lives in West Yorkshire, England. He is a retired cynic and frustrated musician. He plans to learn the ukulele before the end of the year, but believes he will never get around to it. His short stories can be found in many a sordid corner of the world, or from his website: craigwallwork.blogspot.com.

The Newcomers

by Mike Sweeney



I have a feeling I once knew a great deal about churches and saints. But I don’t remember much about that now, nor really anything that came before the night she found me. As such, all I can tell you about St. James Catholic Church is that the steeple was Becca and mine’s favorite spot for picking out victims.

The church sat astride Broad Street, the main avenue of that great cultural oasis of Central Jersey known as Red Bank. Dotted with bistros and boutiques – all favorites of the wealthy locals from Rumson and Fair Haven and the visiting weekenders from New York – Broad Street never failed to provide us with appetizing choices for the evening.

Becca would stand at the tip of the steeple while I crouched next her, ready to pounce on whomever she instructed. I loved that moment before she gave the word: the light tapping of hearts beneath us, the crisp stillness of the night air, the rich leather scent of her Belstaff jacket, her hand on my shoulder.

Some nights I was her attack dog. Other nights, her wingman.

I miss her already.

I miss the sound of her biker boots clomping on the pavement beside me. I miss the way she used to wrap her arm around my neck and squeal after we’d killed together. Mostly I just miss talking to her.

Occasionally, we’d skip St. James and stroll down to Front Street to watch the Navesink roll by in the starlight. Becca liked watching the river even if she wouldn’t admit it. Sometimes she even let me hold her hand as we passed through the crowds, mentally marking kills for later.

In winter, there’d be time enough for us to browse at Jack’s Music Shoppe before it closed for the night. Jack’s was one of the last great independent record stores on the East Coast. They’d always open at midnight for a new Springsteen release and sometimes he’d stop by on his motorcycle to meet his fans and sign CDs.

Across the street from Jack’s is Kevin Smith’s comic book shop. We saw him one night, playing cards in the back with his friends.

It’s a whole lot of Jersey in one block.

Or at least it was before the sky fell.

***



The world ended on a Monday, but we didn’t see them till Tuesday.

We were back atop St. James, but instead of night it was ten o’clock in the morning. I was still too giddy from the thought of perpetual darkness to take the Newcomers seriously. They jerked and lumbered along, eating whatever had the misfortune to stumble into their path. I actually laughed at them. As always, Becca was thinking much further ahead.

“These things are going to taste like shit,” she said.

Five months later they ripped her to pieces in a shopping mall. Becca was smart and my best friend and a piece of ass to boot. She deserved a lot better than to be eviscerated in a burned out Anthropologie.

And in the end, she was only half right. The Newcomers didn’t just taste bad, they were bad – the human equivalent of spoiled milk. You could drain five of the things in one night and still be no closer to meeting your thirst.

It didn’t take long to realize that the Newcomers weren’t food; they were competition, a pestilence that consumed everything and anyone we could feed off.

We probably should have done something right away, while they were still in small packs.

Maybe if we had, things would be different now.

Maybe that emaciated beagle I ate earlier today wouldn’t have seemed as succulent and tasty as if I was biting into Eliza Dushku’s left butt cheek.

Maybe going three weeks without blood would’ve seemed like a bad dream, something you do on an insane bet, rather than the standard existence.

But blood drinkers aren’t generally known for their strategic planning – or their collective action.

Instead, we just went after the deer. Close to humans in weight, more readily available than one might think for a place like New Jersey, and not all that difficult to catch. And if you closed your eyes, they actually tasted just like people.

They didn’t last long though. No one will ever confuse a hungry population of blood drinkers with forest rangers when it comes to responsible culling practices. After about three months, it was no more Bambi.

Then it was whatever we could get our hands on. Wild Turkey. Opossum. Dogs. (Labs were surprisingly good.) It took us less than a month to run through them. And that was pretty much the end of regular food for us.

Eventually, the only thing that sustained me was the shared blood with Becca.

***



Before the sky fell, there was a place in Brooklyn called “Angel’s Sister.” It was run by this pair of blood drinkers who’d had a club going somewhere in New York since the late eighties. They named the first one, “Vlad’s Mom.” It was a play on “Dracula’s Daughter” from the Anne Rice books. The name was a send-up but the purpose was the same: a space for blood drinkers to gather peacefully with their own kind. It moved around the city every few years, changing names but keeping with the same in-joke. There was “Yorga’s Aunt” and “Lestat’s Niece” and my personal favorite, “Orloc’s Granny.”

By 2003, it was Angel’s Sister, and it was housed in an old diner in Wilmington. We met Nomar in the brick-lined back room. He claimed he was eighteen hundred and sixteen and had been the Emperor Nero’s personal secretary before being turned. I don’t think the math worked on that one, but I let it go. No one likes a smart ass. Besides, he was definitely older – and stronger – than me, so Becca and I sat and listened to him tell tales of the persecution that followed the great fire of 64 A.D.

“We went underground, to the catacombs,” he said, leaning in close to me and closer still to Becca.

“It was there the great nosferatu imperator Maximus Sanguineas showed us the blood circle.”

Yeah, “Maximus Sanguineas” set off my bullshit alarm too. But it was the way Nomar described the blood circle itself that made you believe in it, even if you didn’t buy the rest of his story.

In hushed, reverent tones, he described a cannibalistic feeding deep in the catacombs where blood drinkers would pair off with their most intimate comrade and one would drain the other within ounces of death. The point was to make half the coven strong enough to go out and find food which they would bring back to the others. Over time, the cycle would repeat, with the other partner taking his turn and becoming the hunter.

“You have to trust the fellow drinker, greatly, though,” he said and smiled at Becca.

“Trust,” he purred in his Eurotrash accent,“is what you need. Trust and knowing where to bite.”

He poked Becca gently in the thigh and every muscle in my body tensed.

He turned to me and smiled. “The neck, you see, is no good.”

Becca didn’t let me stay much beyond that.

***



She disappeared for a fortnight, twice as long as we’d ever been separated. When she showed up that night at Donovan’s, the first thing I noticed was that she was still wearing the same clothes. Becca stole from all the best boutiques and never wore the same outfit twice.

I knew she’d let him drink from her, had allowed herself to be kept by him. I wanted to hate her for it. But as she stumbled through the bar and grew close, rage was replaced by alarm. Her skin was ashen slate and her eyes were charcoal dots instead of their usual ice blue.

She didn’t say anything, maybe couldn’t. But I knew what she wanted. Within the hour we were both home, sipping on the sweet Goth girl from the end of the bar, the one who had insisted on ordering Pilsner Urquel while all her friends drank Coors Light’s. She was just Becca’s type.

***



When I rose the next night, the color had returned to Becca’s eyes and her skin was smooth ivory again. She sat primped and dressed for another evening out, a small smile playing on her lips as she watched me shake off the last of my sleep.

A dozen years as bloodmates and I’d never seen her naked. She always woke and dressed before me: a new expensive pair of jeans over the perfect curve of her hip, a just-in fashion top covering her small tomboy breasts.

She’d seen me constantly, of course, starting with the night she found me nude and feral down on Sandy Hook. She soothed me, took me in, fed me. Clothing me seemed to come last.

And each dusk she’d sit back and watch as I cleaned the dried blood off my chest and arms and dressed for the night. I don’t know what she got out of it. She just liked the power, I think, of her eyes on me. It served as further reminder to me that I was hers.

A few nights after she found me, I finally summoned the courage to ask her if I could still have sex, now that I was a blood drinker.

“Of course,” she said laughing.

“With you?” I added, almost without meaning to say the words out loud.

She went silent and looked at me for a long while. Then she took my arm in hers and said, “Let’s go out.”

That was the last we ever spoke of it.

***



It was before what would have been dawn if there still was a sunrise. We talked about nothing all night, maybe about how things were before the Newcomers. We spoke about that a lot towards the end.

After a while, Becca brought up the blood circle and that night at Angel’s Sister. There was no asking, just a decision for both of us, one she knew I’d agree to.

Calmly, precisely, she started telling me what to do. She lay back, wriggled out of her jeans, arched her back, and showed me where to bite. It was dark but her skin was nearly luminescent and my eyes lingered.

I moved my head forward and she grabbed a handful of my hair. Becca wasn’t angry, just firm.

“You’re just here to drink,” she said and let go of my head.

It was the best thing I ever tasted.

***



I said Becca was smart and I meant it. She knew others like us would start going after the humans’ stored blood supply. Riverview and Centra State would’ve been licked clean months ago, like most hospitals. But Becca had a gift for seeing the unobvious. New Jersey might be the Garden State but its most lucrative industry was pharmaceuticals. Drug testing and development meant the pharmaceutical companies needed their own large supplies of blood. Their labs usually had better back-ups and fail-safes for storage than the average hospital. Even five months after the end of civilization, their stocks might still be fresh and safe if we could just get to them.

The Johnson and Johnson facility by Rutgers was my first target.

I started out at the Home Depot on Route 9. We learned early that decapitation was the quickest, maybe only, way to put down the Newcomers. An axe and a small hatchet as back up and I was all set.

I headed north to New Brunswick.

New Jersey in the morning like a lunar landscape.

I think that was a Springsteen line.

What I saw as I hacked and sprinted along dead highways resembled less outer space and more mythology. Tartarus. Shoal. Hell. Everything seemed to burn. Dead trees lined the landscapes and empty cars – wrecked or just abandoned – jammed the thoroughfares like the getaway vehicles of a legion of ghosts.

The ground was a patchwork of blacks, grays, and browns, all of it dried and barren. The only things that moved other than me were the omnipresent, wandering, weaving bands of Newcomers.

I killed at least three dozen that first night. It was worth it for what I found in that one lab: forty-eight perfectly preserved whole units of O positive, over five people’s worth.

Becca hit a goldmine of AB negative during her first foray.

We knew eventually we’d exhaust the drug companies’ supplies too, but for a while things were better. We were drinking human blood again and I was closer to Becca than I ever could have hoped before the sky fell.

That was before either of us heard of Shotgun Annie or Eddie the Crazy Seven-Eleven Guy.

***



Humans always seemed like a spark in the dark to my kind. They didn’t know it, but people actually lit up our world. After a fashion, maybe the blood drinkers didn’t really know it either. With over six billion of them around, the sparks became ambient lighting, the preternatural equivalent of background noise.

At least that’s how it was before the sky fell. As the Newcomers consumed or converted what was left of humanity, the sparks returned. The last pockets of living people stood out like bonfires.

Shotgun Annie and Eddie the Crazy Seven-Eleven Guy.

They were the consistent sparks, the ones that were there each time we went out. Soon their names started floating to us on the wind. We never spoke them aloud, but we both knew who they were and, more importantly, that they were there – living, breathing people.

Annie was an assistant manager of a Gap at an open-air mall in Shrewsbury. She came home from work the day the sky fell to find that her seventy-year-old mother and two-year-old son were among the Newcomers’ first meals. And that was pretty much it for Annie’s sanity.

She looted a pair of shotguns from a local sporting goods store and duck-taped them together like the guy in that Phantasm movie. Then she filled her Kia with all the shotguns shells it and she could carry and went back to work. She opened the Gap like the world wasn’t dying and just waited. She even started a sale on outerwear.

While the big human safe havens were being sacked, Annie was stockpiling ammunition and gasoline and digging an escape tunnel. Occasionally, she took a break to try to sell reasonably priced denim goods to the survivors of the apocalypse. Since most humans who stumbled upon her store were seeking shelter not cargo jackets, Annie did what only seemed natural when they wouldn’t buy anything: she shot them and used them for food.

When the Newcomers finally came knocking, she was ready with barricades and long lines of sight set up over the mall’s wide-open parking lots. She shot as many as she could until the defenses were breached. Then she torched the Gap with the Newcomers inside before scurrying out her tunnel.

Afterwards she made herself manager of the Banana Republic a few doors down, started tunneling again, and waited for the next wave. By the time we picked up her scent, she was president and operating owner of an Anthropologie, having immolated over a hundred Newcomers in the Banana Republic, the Eddie Bauer, and the Brooks Brothers combined.

I still have no idea exactly what the fuck Anthropologie sold. The place was burned to a cinder when I went to recover Becca’s body.

***



As smart as Becca was, she could also be remarkably stupid – especially when there was something she wanted badly.

She didn’t tell me she was going for Annie, of course. But I could feel something wasn’t right as she drank from me. And she kissed me when she left. That in itself told me something was wrong.

About an hour later, I dimly saw her slip back into our lair, her arms cradling a scrawny and scared little thing. She set the skeletal beagle down beside me and left again. I knew she wasn’t coming back.

I wish I could say that I saw everything, that the blood circle put me there in her body, let me see through her eyes. But it doesn’t work that way. I just got flashes of feelings: exhilaration, disappointment, rage, and finally what I can only call surrender.

Annie didn’t make it out through her tunnel the last time the Newcomers came for her.

Becca must have known Annie was dead from a mile away, had to know the spark had been snuffed out, yet she went anyway. She didn’t run, didn’t come back to me. That’s what hurts most. Becca and the blood circle were all I needed, but it wasn’t the same for her.

But, then, it never was.

***



The blood from the beagle allowed me to walk, if barely. I stumbled out into the permanent night not really sure what I was doing. I couldn’t even carry my axe and just limped along with the small hatchet drooping from my hand.

It’s been a very bad year and I suppose I was entitled to a little luck.

It was black and lumpy and lying on the tattered asphalt.

A bear. A cub maybe? Not that big.

Winnie-the-fucking-Pooh.

I was on my knees drinking from him before I even knew what I was doing. Only after did I realize that he was wounded, near dead. There were Newcomer bite marks cratered across the thing’s stomach. There was a foul aftertaste in my throat. Another hour and his blood would be useless to me. He would’ve turned completely.

Into precisely what I didn’t want to think about.

Then I saw the cub’s mother.

Twisted and lumbering, she fell at me, crimson foam spewing from her snout.

I think she was still trying to figure out post-mortem movement. If the herky-jerky gait was awkward in a human, it was positively spasmodic in something that once was a bear. She couldn’t quite walk – on two legs or four – and so just bounded, picking herself up and falling in lunges at me. I dodged her three times and, on the fourth lunge, leapt onto the bear’s back and followed her to the ground. One hatchet cut into the head made sure she wouldn’t get up soon; two more cuts across the neck and she was down for good.

As I stood back, I saw her left paw reaching out in the direction of her cub. Or maybe that’s just how I imagined it. Something about it made me angry.

I didn’t know if the drained cub could still turn but I made sure he wouldn’t. That was the world I was in now: where you thanked someone for saving your existence by making sure to lop off their head.

I knew the strength from the cub would fade quickly. I only had so much time to get to Becca. I wanted to be with her at the end. But I needed something more. I had to make a stop.

***



In truth, Eddie the Crazy Seven-Eleven Guy was unfairly named. He was actually quite level-headed and positively stable compared to the likes of Shotgun Annie.

Eddie had been the proprietor of an Army-Navy surplus store he inherited from his father. But Eddie was a people person. His secret ambition was to own a convenience store, the type of place where he would make coffee every morning for his regulars and run two-for-one specials on chili cheese dogs for dinner. He’d become a fixture of the neighborhood, the place everyone stopped by on Sunday morning for donuts and a paper. It was a nice dream. So Eddie saved his pennies and was six months away from getting his own WaWa franchise when the sky fell.

That first day, Eddie took the things from his surplus store he though he would most need – a couple of generators, lanterns, sleeping bags, dry food-stuffs – and packed up his Blazer. He also took his dad’s Vietnam-era M-16, a good deal of homemade ammunition, and the 128 back issues of Hustler he’d collected since his seventeenth birthday.

Somehow he wound up in the abandoned Seven-Eleven on Maple Avenue. Like Annie, he opened the place for business. But whereas she was insanely cannibalistic, Eddie actually wanted to help. He was, remember, a people person. Had the first survivor he let in not turned into a biting, twitching fiend in front of the Big Gulps, he might not have grown so paranoid.

After he dispatched the thing with his father’s rifle, Eddie started parking cars. Dozens of them. He hotwired every car in immediate walking distance and began crashing them in concentric circles around his store. After two days he had three rings of crushed steel to barricade his own personal paradise, complete with a Blu-Ray DVD player, the entire contents of the local Border’s video, and what was likely the last operating Slurpee machine in the world. There was also, of course, his porn collection, which he finally had time to index properly.

The Newcomers would mass and threaten outside his barricades but ultimately lacked the mobility to scramble over three rows of busted-up automobiles, at least not before Eddie could get a head shot in. Like a suburban Robert Neville, Eddie manned his fortress, going out for provisions when the Newcomers drifted off to another target.

I actually expected to find him behind his check-out counter watching I Am Legend that night. I was impressed to find that he had on Omega Man instead.

“They sure don’t make pictures like that anymore,” Charleton Heston was just saying as I rapped on the window from atop the pushed in hood of a Chevy Malibu.

I think Eddie knew there was something not quite right with me, even as he let me in, carefully undoing the locks on the glass door. He didn’t seem to mind too much though.

“Buy something,” he said.

“What?”

Eddie fingered the barrel of his M-16, resting near the cash register. But he didn’t pick up the gun. He positioned himself squarely behind the register. Behind him, Heston was screaming that there were no telephones ringing.

“Just buy something,” Eddie said. “Please. I never got to sell anything to anyone.”

I nodded and began walking up and down the short aisles as Eddie switched off the DVD.

I stopped at the small section of cleaning supplies and picked up a canister of Comet scouring powder. It seemed like the type of thing that would still be good months after the end of the world. I read the back of the can for a few seconds then nodded and moved on to the refrigerated drink locker. All the sodas were gone. There was just questionable looking juice and some green tea drinks. I took a bottle of the latter and walked up to the register.

“I don’t have any money,” I said.

“That’s okay,” Eddie answered. He pressed some buttons on the register and handed me a ten dollar bill.

I shoved it into the front pocket of my grimy, tattered jeans.

“Will there be anything else?” he asked.

I thought for a moment and tapped the glass counter above the scratch-off lottery cards.

“One of those,” I said, pointing to the one with penguins and polar bears on it. For some reason, I thought Eddie would like that.

Eddie’s hands shook as he ripped off the card and placed it next to the Comet and green tea. He waved his hands over all three items and muttered to himself, adding in his head.

“Seven-seventy-five,” he said.

“Pretty reasonable,” I lied and handed him back the ten dollar bill.

“Look like rain out there?” Eddie asked as he counted out my change.

“Don’t think so,” I said.

“Are you going to kill me or make me like you?” he asked.

“You don’t want to be like me,” I said.

I didn’t kill him there, of course. I only took a third of his blood. I needed him alive as bait.

***



Eddie stirs a little as he dozes on the counter of the gutted Starbuck’s I’m sitting in now. We’re a few doors down from the Anthropologie and I’ve lit some new fires to make sure they know we’re here. What’s left of Becca is sitting next to me. I’ve only kissed her twice. I know I shouldn’t do anymore.

I can hear the distant shuffle of dead legs and I start to catch their smell, fetid and pungent, even amidst the charred cloud of death that hangs over this place.

When they get close I’ll finish draining Eddie. I want all the strength I can muster. I want to kill as many of them as I can.

When it’s over, I wonder if Becca and I will be able to talk again.






MIKE SWEENEY lives in Central New Jersey where he writes constantly but never quite enough.