Letters to Wolfhaus

by Christopher Woods

Dear Manager, Wolfhaus Lodge,

As much as my wife and I enjoyed our annual stay this year, we couldn’t help noticing that your pillows seemed unusually deflated. Esther said she was disappointed, as if our favorite hotel might be slipping a bit. I wondered if the pillows might be an omen of a downturn in the Maine economy. Nevertheless, we hope to see you again, God willing. As always, we appreciate the AARP discount.

Frank and Esther Totts
Eugene, OR


The Manager, Wolfhaus Lodge,

Call me obsessive, but I spend a good part of my vacation cleaning and disinfecting my hotel room. Hotels simply do not prepare clean enough rooms for me. I fear bacteria of any kind, and loathe the calling cards of strangers in this regard. Pillows, as you must be aware, are sponges for disease, and are also a launching pad for the spread of same. Philosophically, I do not believe in hotels or their pillows, but I am also a realist who enjoys travel of the healthy variety. With this in mind, I wish to commend you and Wolfhaus for having such small and insignificant pillows. Because of this, my cleaning was completed much sooner than is usual. I actually had time to take a stroll through your lovely town before time for check-out and my flight home.

Anticepta Guttierez
Chlorox City, MN


The Manager, Wolfhaus Lodge,

This is to notify you of our intention to file suit against you, your owner and the staff of Wolfhaus. Because of your hideously inadequate pillows, our necks have suffered terribly since our stay. The pain is unbearable, I tell you. In addition to calling our regular lawsuit lawyer, we have also contacted a Boston firm specializing in tourist-related injuries, maimings and deaths.

You will be very sorry.

J. S. Peters
Culver City


Dear Manager, Wolfaus Lodge,

I hope this letter goes directly to you, you wimpy smart ass with your effeminate red goatee. If so, this is for you, you damned sissy. First of all, I’d much rather take my girlfriends to a “clothing optional” retreat. But my last girlfriend, Cholie, the one I don’t see anymore, begged me to take her to Wolfhaus. Nice guy that I am…

Let’s cut to the chase, prickhead. I am a sexual machine, a coitus perfectionist, and my stamina is unmatched. I depend heavily on pillows to assist myself and my partners in acquiring positions which lead to absolute ecstacy. Imagine my surprise when I tried to put those pansy pillows of yours to use. My love life and my reputation in satyr circles and chatrooms have been severely maligned. Cholie won’t even speak to me. She is telling others about my poor performance, however, as she is a spiteful bitch. Thanks a lot, buddy. For what it’s worth, I’ve seen better pillows carved out of pimientos. I saw you eating a pimiento sandwich in the Wolfhaus office. That says it all, sissy boy.

Chip Longa
Palm Springs


The Manager, Wolfhaus Lodge,

Just a cheery note to thank you for your pillows. I know they might seem inconsequential to some sleepers, but believe me when I tell you they were a godsend to my husband, Poppy. Perhaps you might recall Poppy. My husband lost his head in a tragic hunting accident several years ago and is no longer in need of pillows. Most hotels stack pillows high on the bed, and it is work for Poppy to remove them all. His vision was lost in the accident, as you might well imagine. Imagine Poppy’s delight and surprise to get into bed and doze off without having to first locate the pillow, and secondly, to remove it.

Kudos to Wolfhaus. See you next year.

Dottie Graham
Eureka Springs, AR

CHRISTOPHER WOODS has published a prose collection, Under a Riverbed Sky, and a book of stage monologues for actors, Heart Speak. He lives in Houston and Chappell Hill, Texas. His photography gallery, which he shares with his wife Linda, is MOONBIRD HILL ARTS – www.moonbirdhill.exposuremanager.com.

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